Is He Unsafe, or is it Your Wound? How to Tell the Difference
Many relationships struggle because we can't tell if our lack of safety comes from our partner's behaviour or from our own unresolved wounds. This makes it hard to feel secure and connected, leading to tension and misunderstanding.
What we need to do is look at whether our partner is genuinely showing up in a committed, present, and reliable way. At the same time, we need to reflect on our own patterns and see if past wounds are influencing how we perceive the relationship.
If we don’t draw these distinctions, our relationships can become filled with blame and criticism. We may constantly feel unsafe and unsatisfied, even if our partner is doing their best. This creates distance and can keep us from experiencing deeper love and trust.
In this episode, Lorin invites you to ask yourself whether your partner’s showing up in a way that deserves appreciation. If they are, try expressing gratitude for their efforts today. If not, think about how you can lovingly communicate your needs to help strengthen the connection.
Mentioned in this episode:
Discerning Narcissists in Relationships
A 2½-hour workshop to recognize and break free from toxic dynamics
Healing Your Relationship with the Masculine
A 4-week immersive program for women, starting 2nd March 2025
Transcript
Today's episode is about being able to discern whether he is
Speaker:unsafe through his behavior or energy, or it is actually your own
Speaker:wounding, or it is a mix of both.
Speaker:I'm going to get extremely practical today, giving really relatable examples
Speaker:that allow you to truly discern.
Speaker:And this episode is for both women and men.
Speaker:This is a really important topic, because unless you are
Speaker:able to see, is it his behavior?
Speaker:Is it something he hasn't healed?
Speaker:Or per perhaps you're also contributing to it, or could it really be
Speaker:that he's actually showing up and there is something deeper inside
Speaker:you holding yourself back from fully receiving and seeing that?
Speaker:Welcome to the Masculine and Feminine Dynamics podcast.
Speaker:My name is Lorin Krenn, and I'm a coach, author, and hypnotherapist.
Speaker:I help you to understand masculine and feminine dynamics.
Speaker:Let's dive in.
Speaker:Without being able to discern whether it's a man's behavior or
Speaker:your own wounding as a woman, it makes it really hard to experience
Speaker:healing in a relationship.
Speaker:And it brings us to this kind of ancient old and also new and relevant
Speaker:now more than ever, the question of is it fear or is it intuition?
Speaker:Is it my highest truth, or is it old wounding, posing as the truth?
Speaker:And of course, as a man in a relationship, you will also ask
Speaker:yourself, okay, I know she wants me to create safety, but is there perhaps
Speaker:some responsibility on her end as well?
Speaker:Like, how do we really discern how do we, how do we kind of entangle
Speaker:the wild, chaotic mess, a divine mess and imperfection of relationships to
Speaker:truly see what our responsibilities are, to truly understand how we
Speaker:are contributing to a dynamic, and to ensure that we're not avoiding
Speaker:or bypassing or blaming the other person for something we have to take
Speaker:responsibility for, um, or as well for?
Speaker:And sometimes it is a wild mix between both.
Speaker:there, is bringing wounding into relationship.
Speaker:The woman is projecting wounding from past relationships or a father wound
Speaker:onto him, but also coming from her intuition, or in other cases it might
Speaker:really be that the desire for safety is coming from a deep heart centered
Speaker:place and the man is simply not showing up in a safe way, or it might be a man
Speaker:who is actually showing up, and you as the woman, there's certain wounding
Speaker:that's not allowing you to receive his masculine energy, his presence,
Speaker:I am going to give now relatable and practical examples, and then I will
Speaker:provide you with the distinction.
Speaker:So what I mean by that is I will give the example of when it's a man's
Speaker:behavior, and then I will give the example of how you as a woman might
Speaker:be contributing to it or might be the main reason why you feel unsafe.
Speaker:Let's start with the first one, and that is truly the foundation.
Speaker:A lack of commitment and not feeling fully chosen by a man is the funment
Speaker:of you feeling safe as a woman.
Speaker:As a man listening, a woman cannot feel safe in a relationship or
Speaker:a dating scenario with you if she does not feel fully chosen.
Speaker:If there is no clarity in what you want, your commitment and
Speaker:where that relationship is going and heading towards.
Speaker:Now, if that is how a man is showing up, there is a lack of commitment.
Speaker:He's not truly choosing her, there is confusion around this, ex partner's
Speaker:still involved, there is a vagueness, I don't know where this is going,
Speaker:let's go with the flow, anything along those lines, this points
Speaker:towards, the man showing up in a way very clearly and evidently, which is
Speaker:going to make the woman feel unsafe.
Speaker:And here the responsibility is not for you as a woman.
Speaker:You don't have to do anything for a man to choose you.
Speaker:I mean, of course you have to choose him as well.
Speaker:And you have to be committed.
Speaker:It has to be vice versa, of course.
Speaker:But you don't have to fight for him.
Speaker:You don't have to tell him or explain to him that he needs to commit himself
Speaker:to you or anything along those lines.
Speaker:In these moments, you're already abandoning your truth.
Speaker:You are already abandoning your power.
Speaker:So here it is very clearly his wounding that's creating unsafety for you.
Speaker:And there is no question whether it's your intuition or whether
Speaker:it's your deeper true at play.
Speaker:It's your natural and healthy desire to be fully chosen.
Speaker:This is the true fundamental of any conscious relationship, and
Speaker:if you don't feel fully chosen as a woman, then you simply,
Speaker:your feminine heart cannot relax.
Speaker:You don't know his intention.
Speaker:You don't know whether it's safe to open your heart.
Speaker:You don't know what's going to happen the next day.
Speaker:You don't know where things are going towards, and you also don't know,
Speaker:and understandably so, you don't know whether this is a man you can
Speaker:rely on, because if with a lack of commitment not being fully chosen,
Speaker:when things get tough, it's most likely not someone you can rely on.
Speaker:And here is the key distinction . If you struggle with wounding with the
Speaker:masculine, or perhaps you had a have a father wound or past relationship
Speaker:wounding with men, then even though a man might be showing up in a
Speaker:powerful or conscious or loving way, there might be a part inside
Speaker:you that never feels it is enough.
Speaker:And that is the distinction.
Speaker:Here I'm not talking about a lack of commitment here.
Speaker:I'm talking about a man who is showing up who is clearly devoted to you,
Speaker:and yet something inside you still does not feel fully chosen or feel is
Speaker:afraid of being abandoned or rejected when minor, minuscule things arise.
Speaker:So here, this is a very important distinction, because in this
Speaker:case, you might not feel fully chosen, but it's not because
Speaker:he's showing up in an unsafe way.
Speaker:It is because something inside you might not feel fully
Speaker:worthy of being fully chosen.
Speaker:Something inside you is not allowing yourself, giving yourself permission
Speaker:to receive his energy, his presence, his service, him protecting
Speaker:you, him being there for you.
Speaker:Something inside you might feel you're not worthy of allowing yourself to
Speaker:fully receive, and in this case, giving yourself permission to receive
Speaker:the beauty and all the amazing things he's doing is so important.
Speaker:In one of my recent women's programs, a woman shared with
Speaker:me that there are so many things that her husband is not doing.
Speaker:And that I asked her and how is he showing up already in a powerful way?
Speaker:And she paused and then came to the realization that she never really
Speaker:truly asked herself that question.
Speaker:Neither did she have her focus there, neither was she appreciative of
Speaker:the ways he was already showing up.
Speaker:Now, does this mean that she should suppress her desire for more, or
Speaker:that it can show up in certain areas in a more expansive way?
Speaker:No, but her focus was on the lack, on the imperfection, on the
Speaker:things he wasn't getting right.
Speaker:But actually as I coached her within the group setting, she very quickly
Speaker:identified that he was doing so many things and showing up in so many
Speaker:ways that are deeply safe, that are deeply devotional, that are an act of
Speaker:deep commitment, and when she started appreciating and allowing herself and
Speaker:giving herself permission to receive that, number one, it changed everything.
Speaker:She felt so much more love.
Speaker:She felt so much more chosen, and then the things she wanted to be different,
Speaker:she was able to express those in a really loving way, rooted in our
Speaker:heart, feeling deeply loved by him.
Speaker:And what happened then he was able to receive them so easily.
Speaker:Whereas before, he would face this constant criticism.
Speaker:So that's the distinction.
Speaker:Ask yourself internally as a woman, is he showing up?
Speaker:Is he devoted?
Speaker:Is he making clear where this is going?
Speaker:If yes, then are you appreciative of the ways he's showing up?
Speaker:And if no, then it means his actions are making you feel
Speaker:unsafe and you are coming from a conscious and heart-centered place.
Speaker:And as a man, if you are showing up fully, if you are fully committed and
Speaker:there is no receptivity, appreciation of that in any way, and there is
Speaker:always focus on the criticism, that it means that it's not you.
Speaker:You are not to blame.
Speaker:You are showing up, you're giving your best, but you are allowed
Speaker:to be an imperfect human being.
Speaker:As long as your commitment is clear, give yourself grace.
Speaker:And do not blame yourself.
Speaker:Stay rooted in your power.
Speaker:Let's move on to the next example, which is a lack of presence.
Speaker:When the feminine feels that we are not fully present in the relationship
Speaker:when she cannot feel us, so we are physically present, but emotionally
Speaker:and spiritually, we're not fully there, we might be having dinner with her, we
Speaker:might be doing, engaging in whatever, whatever activity, and in these moments,
Speaker:our mind is always somewhere else.
Speaker:This is going to cause a feeling of unsafety in her and it's normal as a
Speaker:woman that you don't feel safe when our mind is always, when our energy
Speaker:is always scattered, when our energy and presence is never fully with you.
Speaker:This is going by definition, going to make it very hard for you to
Speaker:feel safe because the feminine heart longs for the masculine to be
Speaker:present, not just physically, but with his energy to really be here
Speaker:with her in the moment, attentive.
Speaker:And this naturally creates such a strong feeling of
Speaker:magnetism, attraction, safety.
Speaker:It inspires deep, deep trust.
Speaker:And this might reveal itself in . For instance, you as a woman, you are
Speaker:sharing some feedback with him, and, and he's not attentive or you're asking him
Speaker:for his support and help with something, and instead of really feeling into what
Speaker:it is that you truly are asking for or need in this moment, he's either
Speaker:dismissing it or being passive about it.
Speaker:He's not taking initiative or he's just not in sync with you.
Speaker:You just don't feel him fully there with you.
Speaker:It feels as if he's with one foot in the relationship and
Speaker:here with you and with the other.
Speaker:He's completely somewhere else.
Speaker:This by definition is going to make you feel unsafe and you will naturally feel
Speaker:a desire for him to be more present.
Speaker:Because for us men, it's often about this checkbox, spend time with her, did
Speaker:this, did that, with a very logical, oriented, very kind of productivity
Speaker:mindset like a machine to, to, to, to, to, but you're not asking for that.
Speaker:And sometimes we men, we take it completely differently.
Speaker:We think, oh, she wants this, and it's all complica complicated and
Speaker:confusing, and I don't have more time.
Speaker:But it's not more time, it's more presence, it's more energy.
Speaker:It's more attentiveness.
Speaker:That's going to shift absolutely everything.
Speaker:Now, what's the distinction here?
Speaker:If you always need us to be perfectly present and there is no window of
Speaker:tolerance for us to be an imperfect human being, so if we have a tough
Speaker:day, so if we are usually very present with you, but then we come home from
Speaker:a tough day, we even might feel down a little bit, we are slightly distracted,
Speaker:and then you have a really strong response, a strong response perhaps
Speaker:saying You are never there for me.
Speaker:I don't feel supported by you, and what happens here is that you are
Speaker:internalizing our imperfection or lack of presence in that moment, and
Speaker:it becomes a part of a wounded story or part of an older wound, perhaps.
Speaker:He doesn't care about me, he doesn't love me.
Speaker:And this puts so much pressure on the relationship, and he
Speaker:doesn't allow us men to feel safe.
Speaker:It doesn't allow us to be a human being.
Speaker:Then we feel we have to be this perfect ideal, which will naturally
Speaker:make a man walk on eggshells.
Speaker:And when a man walks on eggshells and tries to be this ideal, he's
Speaker:not in his authentic, rooted and grounded masculine power.
Speaker:He's in some kind of pleasing little boy energy at the end of the day.
Speaker:So of course men can do a better job.
Speaker:We can do a better job at communicating that.
Speaker:So for instance, what I always advocate for is, for instance,
Speaker:saying, Hey, baby, it's hard for me to be fully present here today.
Speaker:You might notice I'm distracted 'cause I really had a tough day and
Speaker:I'm, I'm going for something here.
Speaker:So this kind of already kind of creates a safe space in that sense
Speaker:by really very clearly and powerfully communicating without collapsing into
Speaker:total anxiety and, and dramatizing it in that sense, or playing the
Speaker:victim, but being really clear and intentional, um, about what's going on.
Speaker:And.
Speaker:Allowing her into our heart, right?
Speaker:But if there is this desire of you as a woman, then we have to be
Speaker:always perfectly showing up, then essentially what's happening is that
Speaker:you are taking your self worth or validation from us always being in
Speaker:this kind of perfect state, or we're perfectly attentive to all your needs.
Speaker:And we are also a human being, of course, and we're going through our
Speaker:things and there has to be grace.
Speaker:So I'm not saying that you shouldn't call us out on our lack of presence, but
Speaker:I'm also saying there has to be grace.
Speaker:And only you can see truly in your life and, and honestly look
Speaker:at, look at your situations, your dating or your relationships,
Speaker:what's really going on there.
Speaker:Only you can take an honest look and truly identify, is there a part of
Speaker:me that needs to take responsibility, or is it truly because he's just
Speaker:never been there for me and I'm not asking for an impossible demand,
Speaker:I'm just asking for more presence.
Speaker:Another big one.
Speaker:Last but not least, is a lack of taking initiative.
Speaker:And this is a really huge one.
Speaker:I give you an example.
Speaker:So we've got an electronic device in the house.
Speaker:One of our electronic devices made a hissing sound.
Speaker:And my wife kept telling me for a whole week that this hissing sound
Speaker:is really annoying and really loud.
Speaker:And I never took initiative.
Speaker:I was like, ah, yeah.
Speaker:Hmm.
Speaker:I gave an answer.
Speaker:I didn't dismiss it.
Speaker:But at the same time I didn't really say, lemme take a look, or, ah, okay,
Speaker:well I'm really busy right now, but why don't I take, I'm gonna take a look
Speaker:tomorrow or in a few hours or whatever.
Speaker:So I never really created any structure around this.
Speaker:I was just not taking initiative around it.
Speaker:And she kept telling me.
Speaker:So there's really two opportunities here.
Speaker:Number one, if, if you would say, now, why did my wife
Speaker:not look at it and do it?
Speaker:Because then she has to step into her masculine energy.
Speaker:Then she has to kind of sort things out, and this is a more nuanced topic.
Speaker:I understand that because maybe in your household things are different, right?
Speaker:For whatever reasons.
Speaker:And every couple has a different dynamic.
Speaker:but here what was happening and my wife being very feminine, is that
Speaker:she was subtly inviting me and kindly, sweetly making me aware
Speaker:that something really powerful would be if I would take a quick look.
Speaker:And that, in that sense wouldn't make her feel safe, but it would
Speaker:make her feel seen in that moment, even if it's such a minuscule thing.
Speaker:And of course, I didn't do it for a week, and then she
Speaker:asked me quite clearly, what?
Speaker:I can take a look.
Speaker:And it just made me realize that, but even with such a minuscule
Speaker:thing, the lack of taking initiative causes a micro level of unsafety.
Speaker:And now in this case, this was a one-off in my, in my marriage
Speaker:so it's not a huge thing.
Speaker:But imagine this will be happening all the time, and I wouldn't be in
Speaker:my own practice of taking initiative and embodying my masculine energy.
Speaker:So what happens here?
Speaker:All these micro moments of never taking initiative specifically around big
Speaker:things, moving marriage, whatever it is.
Speaker:If there is no initiative or taking the dog to the vet or whatever, a checkup,
Speaker:if there is no initiative around this practical, specifically practical
Speaker:things or even initiative around taking time to connect, initiative
Speaker:around setting up a date night.
Speaker:If you always leave things for her to sort, then she will be
Speaker:pushed into her masculine energy.
Speaker:She has to embody and cultivate more of her masculine energy.
Speaker:And the world already is asking her to cultivate so much
Speaker:more of her masculine energy.
Speaker:And if she has a feminine core in her nature, not all women,
Speaker:but many women have, then that's not gonna make her feel safe.
Speaker:That's not gonna make her feel truly aligned and in the relationship,
Speaker:and that you can rely on us.
Speaker:And it's very important when I share this, for men this often
Speaker:sounds like, oh, another big job, another big thing I have to do.
Speaker:I'm already doing so many things, but it's less about doing a really big job,
Speaker:and it is more about taking initiative, even if these are small things.
Speaker:But not passively just allowing things to accumulate, accumulate, accumulate,
Speaker:and then she has to ask us millions of times, she has to point it out a million
Speaker:of times it's going to not make her feel the way she really wants to show up.
Speaker:She has to cultivate more of a masculine energy.
Speaker:And it's also going to create a little, little kind of boy dynamic
Speaker:in the relationship where it's like, almost like telling us off
Speaker:you, you said you're gonna do it, you know the, you're not doing it.
Speaker:And it creates this energy that's just not very powerful.
Speaker:It's not an energy that's, that's truly nurturing for her feminine core
Speaker:and, and for your masculine core.
Speaker:And listen, if you cannot take, sort something out, if you are
Speaker:completely busy, that is okay.
Speaker:Again, there needs to be grace.
Speaker:But then communicate.
Speaker:So for instance, what could I have done better?
Speaker:In this example, I could have said, Hey baby, I understand this sound
Speaker:is bothering you and I'm really busy right now, and right now I can't.
Speaker:But you know what?
Speaker:This evening I'm going to take a proper look at it and see what I can fix it.
Speaker:And this in itself, and then of course, following through with my
Speaker:promise that's even more important.
Speaker:But these micro moments create safety because I'm taking initiative.
Speaker:One thing doesn't make a huge difference, but many micro
Speaker:moments make a huge difference.
Speaker:And you want to use this micro moments in positive momentum, meaning creating
Speaker:more safety, more connection, more attraction, more . It trust and her
Speaker:being feeling she can rely on you, and not micro moments of lack of safety
Speaker:and disconnect, and he's not hearing me and I have to ask him a million times.
Speaker:Now, what's the key distinction here?
Speaker:Where might a woman have have to take responsibility here?
Speaker:And that is when you want us to be mind readers when.
Speaker:It's not just about taking initiative, but it's like, I know as the feminine,
Speaker:I always say the feminine is subtle, the feminine is more indirect,
Speaker:which is her way of communicating.
Speaker:The masculine way is much more direct, and there is a beauty because
Speaker:polo opposites attract each other.
Speaker:If we're all doing the exact same thing, showing up in the exact same way, that
Speaker:wouldn't be attraction in that sense.
Speaker:There wouldn't be deep polarity or that, that dance
Speaker:of masculine feminine energies.
Speaker:But if you want us to be mind readers and insider, there's some kind of
Speaker:fantasy that when you express it once in a really indirect way, that then,
Speaker:and then months later nothing happens, then you explode on us and, I'm not
Speaker:talking about an example where you said it many, many times, but it's
Speaker:almost like you expect us to be mind readers to understand every single need
Speaker:you have, that's not going to happen.
Speaker:We can do a great job at being attentive, being present and
Speaker:being in our masculine power, being in our leadership and
Speaker:our initiative kind of role.
Speaker:But at the end of the day, we're not mind readers, and sometimes
Speaker:we're not going to get it.
Speaker:And in these moments it is important for there to be grace.
Speaker:And if it leads to a huge blow up, then essentially what kind
Speaker:of the message is, is you ex. I want you to be a mind reader.
Speaker:And if you're not showing up again, it brings us into this realm of the
Speaker:impossible demand, the impossible task, setting us up for failure,
Speaker:sabotaging unconsciously, the relationship and what is it doing?
Speaker:it is affirming a story that is limited, that is wounded, a wounded
Speaker:relationship with the masculine
Speaker:And the last important point in today's episode, especially if you as a woman
Speaker:had father wounding, didn't feel safe growing up as a young child, didn't
Speaker:feel safe to embody your feminine energy, or you had really challenging
Speaker:relationship experiences with men.
Speaker:And of course this society is in so many ways, unfairly and it's just not
Speaker:right, pushing you into your masculine energy, telling you be feminine and
Speaker:be this perfect, wonderful, feminine being and woman, but at the same
Speaker:time cultivate all these masculine traits, um, be everything basically.
Speaker:That's what the society is expecting of you, which is toxic in
Speaker:itself and, and just an extremely impossible and unhealthy ask.
Speaker:But specifically when you had challenging relationship experience
Speaker:with men or, or you experience the father wound, what can happen is
Speaker:even if you meet the right man, there might be a part inside you
Speaker:that is still guarding yourself, a part that still feels unsafe.
Speaker:And just remember, while we men can do a lot, we cannot make you feel
Speaker:safe and at home in your own body.
Speaker:We cannot compensate for the pain of the father wound for the void
Speaker:that the father wound has left.
Speaker:So remember, we can do a lot, but you have to do your own work around
Speaker:making your body, your sanctuary, your temple, and your home again.
Speaker:And if you are not doing your work around this, then.
Speaker:It's going to be impossible no matter how powerful the man is.
Speaker:And yes, you can heal your father wounding with a powerful man, but you
Speaker:have to do your own work because if you are not doing your own work, then
Speaker:you are not able to receive that.
Speaker:You are going to push it away and the part inside you
Speaker:is still gonna be guarded.
Speaker:And that is the illusion so many women believe, that when you meet
Speaker:the right man or the perfect man, that part is going to be healed.
Speaker:And that can contribute a lot to the healing, but it cannot
Speaker:heal it at the deepest root.
Speaker:That is your own work and your own responsibility.
Speaker:Remember, if you have responsibility in it, then it's usually because there
Speaker:is an energy of focusing on what's not going right, not being appreciative
Speaker:or you are contributing to the unsafe dynamic that you are experiencing.
Speaker:Thank you for listening to this episode.
Speaker:Of course there is much more to it, but I wanted to make this as concise and
Speaker:as practical as possible as I possibly can Now for us to continue to serve
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Speaker:I've written two books, Understand Women Better, and my second book,
Speaker:love Relationships and Awakening.
Speaker:Thank you so much for being here.
Speaker:I'm deeply, deeply honored to be of service in your powerful
Speaker:and your unique journey.
