Father Wounds
Our relationships with our parents has the biggest impact on our intimate relationships. Lorin understands first-hand the experiences of working through his father wounds. It comes up a lot in his individual coaching and group work, and affects both men and women.
Mentioned in this episode:
The Deep Polarity Program
An 8-week immersive journey to unlock the deepest intimacy through masculine & feminine dynamics.
Transcript
Recently, I've posted a Reel about the Fatah wounds.
Speaker:And a lot of people have asked for an in-depth podcast episode about it,
Speaker:how this wound impacts both women and.
Speaker:And there are a lot of similarities.
Speaker:However, there are certain core differences in how this wound
Speaker:expresses itself in a woman's intimate life and in a man's intimate life.
Speaker:Today, we will go very, very deep and the focus of this episode is that right after
Speaker:listening, you can start your healing journey today, so that this wound no
Speaker:longer sabotages you're intimate life.
Speaker:My name is Lorin Krenn and I am the host of this podcast.
Speaker:My mission is to help people utilize the power of masculine and feminine polarity
Speaker:to experience deep and healthy intimacy.
Speaker:Let's drop in
Speaker:The father wound.
Speaker:That's a big one.
Speaker:One that is very dear to my heart.
Speaker:As you might already know, my father died early my life due to colon cancer.
Speaker:I know firsthand the experience of going for the depths of working for my
Speaker:immensely challenging father wounds.
Speaker:And this is also one of the most common themes I encounter in my coaching
Speaker:practice and in the workshops, the programs and the groups I teach.
Speaker:And this makes perfect sense.
Speaker:Because the relationship to our parents has an enormous impact, the biggest
Speaker:impact in our intimate life later on.
Speaker:And in this context, if the relationship to your father, but you're a woman
Speaker:or a man was in any way, traumatizing or wound that's, then there's a
Speaker:hundred percent guarantee that that is going to show up in your intimately.
Speaker:Let's start by talking about the reasons why it is warm is
Speaker:even created in the first place.
Speaker:And then I will talk in depth about how you can start your healing journey.
Speaker:Now, please know, before I talk about these M these reasons why it's, why you
Speaker:have a father wounds, there could be so almost infinite reasons for this.
Speaker:I will talk about the most common ones.
Speaker:Otherwise this podcast episode will be too long.
Speaker:Number one is your father has died early in your life, either due to
Speaker:an illness or due to an accident.
Speaker:Suddenly you no longer had your father figure.
Speaker:It felt as if you were losing the ground underneath your feet, especially
Speaker:when it was an accident, which means it's ripped away out of the blue.
Speaker:Reason number two, your father was emotionally unavailable.
Speaker:This could mean that his heart was very closed and he was unable
Speaker:to express his own emotions.
Speaker:He was not hugging you a lot, not showing you a lot of affection or he didn't know
Speaker:what to do with your emotional experience.
Speaker:Growing up with the sadness and pain, you felt the times he didn't
Speaker:know how to hold space for that.
Speaker:Now reason number three is that your father projected
Speaker:his insecurities onto you.
Speaker:His unlived potential and dreams.
Speaker:Now this one very, very often expresses itself in the relationship
Speaker:between father and son, taking on the father, sort of family business.
Speaker:Become a lawyer, become a doctor, become this, but of course it also
Speaker:expresses itself in the relationship between father and daughter, a form
Speaker:of conditional love that says I love and support you if you do this.
Speaker:But I won't love and support you as much if you do what you really want, and
Speaker:what you choose from your heart to do.
Speaker:Now, reason number four, your father cheat that's on your mother.
Speaker:And this could have expressed itself in many ways, either they continued staying
Speaker:together and there was a lot of turmoil, a lot of arguments or your father cheated
Speaker:or left because of any reasons came back again or left forever, and your mother
Speaker:started talking bad about your father.
Speaker:Talking that he's not a good person, that the reason why everyone is so unhappy
Speaker:or she's so unhappy is because of him.
Speaker:You are kind of ingrained from an early age on/ because he will see
Speaker:your father is your first encounter with masculine energy, with masculine
Speaker:energy in general, with masculinity.
Speaker:And if you early on hear words that your father is a cheater, he's a bad
Speaker:person, he cannot, he could not keep any promises or, or you saw your father
Speaker:acting in a dishonoring way towards your mother, not keeping his promises, not
Speaker:showing up in a secret mass could in way, then chances are extremely high that
Speaker:you have a wounded relationship to the masculine and therefore a father wound.
Speaker:Now, there could be many more reasons, but these tend to be the most common ones.
Speaker:Now, just before I talk in depth about how you can start your healing
Speaker:journey, the first steps to be.
Speaker:I want to share a little bit about it with my own journey of working through
Speaker:my father wounds, as this will help you or help some of youm and lead into
Speaker:what's the first foundational step in order to start your healing journey.
Speaker:My father died of colon cancer in a three year battle, um, against it.
Speaker:And each year I saw him getting thinner and weaker, until he
Speaker:eventually died in my arms.
Speaker:I was holding his hand and he was looking in my eyes.
Speaker:And for the first time telling me, I love you as, as, as he died.
Speaker:And I've gone from the depths of working for these wounds.
Speaker:Now I'm very grateful for everything that has happened.
Speaker:Um, I see it as a blessing that this has happened because this
Speaker:wound was by far one of the most challenging or the most challenging
Speaker:thing I ever had to face in my life.
Speaker:It took every cell in my body, every fiber of my soul to work through the intensity
Speaker:of this trauma and this wounding.
Speaker:But what I want, the reason why I'm sharing this is because I'm telling you
Speaker:at the other side of healing through this, is, is, is something unbelievable.
Speaker:Something so magical, a version of yourself that feels immensely
Speaker:safe and secure in your own body.
Speaker:And now I'm going to share about this in a second why is this so crucial.
Speaker:Now, what happened when, especially the more ill my father became and the more
Speaker:emotionally unavailable thereby he became, of course, because all his energy went
Speaker:into healing and trying to overcome this illness, the more unsafe and less secure
Speaker:I felt inside myself, inside my body.
Speaker:Everyone who suffers from the father wound in any shape or form feels
Speaker:unsafe and feels a lack of security and trust inside their own body.
Speaker:And this is the very, very first thing to focus on.
Speaker:You cannot really heal or work on these wounds if you do not start there.
Speaker:This is the very foundation.
Speaker:Because ultimately, ultimately the deepest level, what our father teaches
Speaker:us is this deep sense of security and safety and trust in our own body.
Speaker:You see, if a father has done the deep work and feels secure and safe
Speaker:in his own body, then he's presence becomes so immensely healing.
Speaker:And as a woman or as a man, as a child, you pick this up, you feel
Speaker:this, and you'll take this on.
Speaker:It gives you an immense trust in your life.
Speaker:A trust in your body, uh, a safety inside yourself.
Speaker:And this is invaluable.
Speaker:This is invaluable in every single area of your life, and especially in your
Speaker:intimate relationships, because for instance, it couldn't be any easier to
Speaker:fall into toxic and dysfunctional dynamics in your intimate life, if you don't
Speaker:feel safe and secure in your own body.
Speaker:Now, this is the same from men and women.
Speaker:I will go, and.
Speaker:I will go into the, into the key core differences in just a second.
Speaker:But when you suffer from the father wound in any shape or form, you feel
Speaker:unsafe and this lack of security and trust in your own body and a way to
Speaker:describe this experience is this is my, this was my subjective experience of
Speaker:how this feels is a feeling of almost living outside of your body, being numbed
Speaker:out, disassociated from your own body.
Speaker:Almost like living in another place, but not inside your body.
Speaker:Because my own body did not feel safe.
Speaker:There was so much pain, so much confusion going on there.
Speaker:And when we experienced this, then we will start to outsource this
Speaker:safety and we will try to find the safety in our intimate life.
Speaker:And this is where dysfunctional patterns start to happen.
Speaker:Any dysfunctional pattern you can start to think of because when you are
Speaker:outsourcing your safety because you don't feel safe and at home and secure
Speaker:in your own body, it's just going to be a disaster because your intimate
Speaker:partner can never give you that.
Speaker:That is always our own responsibility.
Speaker:It is your responsibility to make your body, your temple, your home,
Speaker:that you feel safe in your being.
Speaker:Because when you feel safe in your body, your heart is naturally open.
Speaker:Your nervous system is naturally regulated and resilient.
Speaker:Your body is strong.
Speaker:Your energy's strong is empowered, is clear.
Speaker:And as I mentioned, normally, this is taught and modeled by your father.
Speaker:But if your father and most of us didn't get that felt immensely insecure
Speaker:in his body or died very early on or whatever reason, then these, this will
Speaker:express itself inside you as well.
Speaker:And this is not just in your intimate life.
Speaker:Other examples where I, for instance, developed for a certain time of
Speaker:my life, a fear of traveling.
Speaker:I would always have this fear, that I would vomit or that I would, that I
Speaker:would be ill on the day of my travel.
Speaker:Now, of course, this has to do with seeing my father vomit constantly and
Speaker:going for the pain of chemotherapy, but as well, this had also to do,
Speaker:I always felt an anxiety about any situation where there was a sense of
Speaker:uncertainty and not the comfort for instance of my own home or anything
Speaker:that was known to my nervous system.
Speaker:Exposed to anything new that put my body almost in a fight and flight situation.
Speaker:And I remember when traveling, I would always feel a bit nauseous.
Speaker:I would feel, um, very spiraling, not completely out of control, I
Speaker:was at least able to manage it.
Speaker:That's am I didn't go into complete panic or anything like that, or
Speaker:I have an anxiety attack, but it just felt immensely unsafe.
Speaker:And during car rides, during traveling or any situation where I was
Speaker:exposed to any level of uncertainty.
Speaker:And this is because I did not feel safe in my body.
Speaker:And there is a high chance that when your strongest seller from the father
Speaker:wound that you experienced this, this is what our father, what healthy mask or
Speaker:entity teaches us, a sense of stability, security, and trust inside ourselves,
Speaker:inside our own body, inside our own being.
Speaker:Even when we're exposed to uncertain situations, because the
Speaker:truth is life is always uncertain.
Speaker:You are going to be exposed, I can guarantee you to many uncertain
Speaker:situations, all kinds of things, because especially if you're want to
Speaker:create your own reality, a reality of deep intimacy, you have to
Speaker:embrace the unknown, the uncertain.
Speaker:Because in order to create a new reality, you have to let go of what is familiar.
Speaker:You have to experience a sense of spiritual death.
Speaker:But this is not the topic and not the main focus of this episode, but it's
Speaker:just very important to, to share this.
Speaker:Now the first step here that has to be taken is to train yourself
Speaker:to feel safe in your own body.
Speaker:You can only imagine how much breath work I've done, how many times I've whipped on
Speaker:the floor, having deep trauma releases.
Speaker:It took a lot.
Speaker:It took many, many times for me to.
Speaker:Release that store trauma and store pain inside my body out of feeling
Speaker:for so many years unsafe in my body, feeling this immense confusion and
Speaker:harboring this anxiety, that was just building up and building up.
Speaker:This anxiety of, of not being able to trust myself, not being
Speaker:able to feel safe in my own body.
Speaker:Now, the thing here is, and this, hear me out here, stay with me, is that when
Speaker:we have a strong father wounds, as we don't mention, we don't feel safe in
Speaker:our own body, one of the number one reasons for that is that our awareness
Speaker:cannot flow easily into our body.
Speaker:Now, hear me out here.
Speaker:The reason is, is because when you first try to connect and bring your
Speaker:awareness into your body, is that you are going to feel all these unresolved
Speaker:trauma, all your unexpressed emotions.
Speaker:They're going to be in the way of you connecting to your body.
Speaker:See it in this way.
Speaker:You have left your home.
Speaker:Let's say your body, your temple is a house with a big garden, but
Speaker:if you have left that place for so many years, weeds started to grow.
Speaker:That garden became uncontrollable.
Speaker:Branches started to build up and you don't even know where the door is
Speaker:anymore into your home, into your body.
Speaker:And this is this, this symbolizes that because when it then first start to
Speaker:reconnect and bring your awareness to your body, you start to first go
Speaker:into that garden and you exp you don't even know where to find that door.
Speaker:All you see is confusion.
Speaker:This is because now for the first time you're turning your awareness
Speaker:to all this pain, to all this confusion, all this anxiety that has
Speaker:been building up in most cases for decades or many, many, many years.
Speaker:And this is why it can be a very painful experience to first bring your
Speaker:awareness and connect with our body.
Speaker:But this is not because it's painful to be in our body.
Speaker:This is because you are touching.
Speaker:We feel our awareness.
Speaker:The first thing your touch is your unresolved trauma and
Speaker:pain and anxiety and confusion.
Speaker:And by working through that, by releasing that, by feeling that, by
Speaker:processing that, then you'll kind of clear the weeds, clear and find
Speaker:the entrance into your temple again.
Speaker:And then it's not magically in perfect, but now then it becomes, it's easier
Speaker:to be inside your body, to live inside your body, to feel at home, to feel
Speaker:to some degree safe inside your body.
Speaker:When you are awareness is rooted in your body, you're in your
Speaker:power, you're in your heart.
Speaker:And feeling safe in our body is the most crucial thing.
Speaker:It's the fundament of really creating also one of the fundamental core pillars
Speaker:of creating deep intimacy in our lives.
Speaker:Because if you don't feel safe in your body, it becomes very difficult to be able
Speaker:to discern between whether someone is not good for you, or you're experiencing a
Speaker:fear of intimacy or a commitment, anxiety.
Speaker:To be able to discern what is really your intuition?
Speaker:What is your heart saying?
Speaker:And what is, where is your trauma trying to hijack you.
Speaker:And as well, you will just be prone to talk, just fall into many, a dysfunctional
Speaker:and toxic relationship dynamics.
Speaker:Only if we truly feel at home and secure inside our body have we really
Speaker:worked through our father wounds.
Speaker:Otherwise it is merely a mental thing.
Speaker:And that is, that can be very helpful to go and identify exactly everything, but
Speaker:I would say, and this is, of course I'm speaking from my own experience, the key
Speaker:here is somatic healing, somatic healing, and I will see it again, somatic healing.
Speaker:Trauma is stored inside our body.
Speaker:So anything that you can do, any trauma release breathwork, any
Speaker:trauma release methods, anything that your heart calls you, that
Speaker:your intuition guides you towards.
Speaker:Obviously this podcast is not a way to give any specific advice and is also
Speaker:not for being able to diagnose anything.
Speaker:This is just generalized advice, obviously.
Speaker:I am, you have to, in order to learn more about this, you have to consult someone
Speaker:a professional in that area, but anything that your intuition calls you towards,
Speaker:anything that has to do with somatic healing is from my experience crucial.
Speaker:And you just cannot get away from that in order to work through these
Speaker:weeds, and all the things that have been created, this first layer that
Speaker:your awareness has to work through until it's able to enter your body.
Speaker:Now, let's talk about how the father wound expresses itself in our intimate life.
Speaker:And there is a key distinction here.
Speaker:For the feminine.
Speaker:It looks more like looking for a savior, the perfect prince,
Speaker:the Knight in shining armor.
Speaker:Nothing is ever good enough.
Speaker:The manding and ideal that doesn't exist.
Speaker:And for the masculine, it is a form of deep dependency, and neediness in their
Speaker:intimate life, looking for stability and safety in the feminine, even though
Speaker:the feminine desires that from you.
Speaker:Now, as you can see, this will always lead to a clash.
Speaker:This is what happened in my life.
Speaker:The moment, I felt some feelings for a woman I would become needy and look
Speaker:for kind of emotional support, look for stability and safety, which was
Speaker:of course, um, losing awareness of my masculine pole and the feminine
Speaker:yearning that yearning for that from me.
Speaker:And that of course, led to a clash and a crumbling of
Speaker:polarity, of safety and intimacy.
Speaker:Now as the feminine, how can you start to heal this?
Speaker:Heal this demanding an ideal from the masculine?
Speaker:And the way it is often comes up is that you demand the masculine to hold space for
Speaker:you, in a way that your father never did.
Speaker:You demand almost a sense of a sense of unconditional love
Speaker:from, from, from your partner.
Speaker:And yes, unconditional love is amazing, but our farness unconditional love is very
Speaker:different than, uh, than your intimate partner's unconditional love, because if
Speaker:you expressed yourself as a child throwing a tantrum or saying something hard.
Speaker:If your father were deeply rooted in his heart and truth, be will set
Speaker:these boundaries, but in a loving way, but he will hold space for that.
Speaker:But now with your intimate partner, if you just lash out on him and, and show up
Speaker:in a really hurtful way, oftentimes there is an expectation from the feminine that
Speaker:then still he has to hold space for you.
Speaker:But that is deep down what you're looking there is, is for a father figure
Speaker:because, yes, you should in for safety from the masculine, but that safety looks
Speaker:different during your intimate life.
Speaker:Because if you show up in a hurtful way, it becomes impossible for the masculine
Speaker:to hold space for that, because that would mean he has to abandon his own truth.
Speaker:That is a man you don't really want.
Speaker:Anyway.
Speaker:Now, how can you start to heal this?
Speaker:As the feminine, of course, the foundation is creating safety in your
Speaker:body, feeling safe in your own body.
Speaker:That is the foundation, otherwise you will outsource this in a way that you don't
Speaker:express the natural yearn of the feminine for safety of the masculine, but a sense
Speaker:of safety that your father never gave you.
Speaker:As the feminine, I invite you to practice consciously to receive his energy.
Speaker:Now, this is really important.
Speaker:As a womanor as the feminine, if you suffer from the father wound, there
Speaker:is a high chance you have never really received and acknowledged the love and
Speaker:presence that he's trying to give you.
Speaker:Obviously, we're talking about a man who is safe and a man
Speaker:harness your Oracle, either with your current or future partner.
Speaker:When he touches you.
Speaker:When you look deeply into your eyes.
Speaker:His loving gestures.
Speaker:To receive his authentic, unique masculine core.
Speaker:There's a high chance.
Speaker:You have never received that because your father wound was always hijacking
Speaker:that and holding him to an ideal, to a stand, demanding, something from
Speaker:him, which he can never give you.
Speaker:And this kind of blocks and numbs you out from being able to receive him, his
Speaker:masculine truth, his masculine hearts.
Speaker:And he can pick this up.
Speaker:He can pick this up consciously or either definitely subconscious.
Speaker:And this feels immensely painful to him.
Speaker:If you are not able to receive his energy, his warriorship, his truth, his love.
Speaker:And the subtle way of practicing this is in your everyday encounters with
Speaker:him to just breathe into his energy, to feel into your heart as he hugs
Speaker:you, smiles at you, touches you gently.
Speaker:But now the more practical way you can practice this, if you find this too
Speaker:vague and abstract and too challenging as well, because subtle practices tend
Speaker:to be definitely more challenging is you can tell your partner that, um,
Speaker:you want to learn to receive his truth and his love and his powerful presence
Speaker:more, and that you have the feeling that you're pushing him away, subconsciously
Speaker:because of your father wounds.
Speaker:By expressing yourself in such a vulnerable way, it is feeling
Speaker:well, feel immensely safe for him and just telling him that you
Speaker:really, really want to receive him.
Speaker:And a way to do this is that he can give you a massage and you just fully
Speaker:surrender or he can caress and touch you in a very gentle way and not
Speaker:necessarily in a sexual way, right?
Speaker:And all you do is close your eyes and breathe in his energy.
Speaker:And what can happen is that this leads to deep tears, potentially even to trauma
Speaker:release, as you might want to let him know that this might happen, or you can
Speaker:also practice this while making love.
Speaker:Of course that is more intense, and you should only do this with a man who you're
Speaker:deeply trusts and a man who you'll feel deeply is safe and honours your Oracle.
Speaker:And as your duty is to truly receive him, and you might experience the
Speaker:tears because you're receiving him for the, for the very first time.
Speaker:For the very first time you're receiving his, his presence, his love, that
Speaker:which you wanted to give you for so long and now you're receiving it.
Speaker:And this empowers him immensely.
Speaker:When you receive his unique warriorship, his unique embodiment and expression.
Speaker:And as the masculine now, your practice as a man is about finding
Speaker:stability and security elsewhere.
Speaker:Not in the feminine, no longer looking for it in the feminine, because the feminine
Speaker:is constantly changing its many forms.
Speaker:It's in constant flux.
Speaker:The feminine is unable to give you any stability because the
Speaker:feminine is the expression of unpredictability, of constant change.
Speaker:And.
Speaker:You can only find this sense of safety and security in two things.
Speaker:You can find it in your body for and foremost and in your purpose.
Speaker:Now, this is really crucial as the masculine, as a man.
Speaker:The stability of being in my body and living my purpose, what that
Speaker:has given me is unbelievably.
Speaker:So back then when my woman was testing me, I used to always collapse into
Speaker:insecurity and into feeling unsafe because of course I was looking for
Speaker:safety and stability from the feminine.
Speaker:But now when my woman tests me, when my woman expresses the full range
Speaker:of awakened feminine expression, which can also be her more darker
Speaker:feminine energy, when she's testing me from her Oracle, then I no longer,
Speaker:or at least I'm not perfect, right?
Speaker:But I no longer collapse into insecurity, because I can lean into the stability
Speaker:of being in my body, feeling safe in my body, my body being my home and living
Speaker:my soul's mission, serving the world with what I'm meant to serve or the universe.
Speaker:And this is the life changer, brothers who are listening to this, and all
Speaker:sisters who are listening to this, this is what's going to change the game for
Speaker:your man, for a seam to create safety in his body and for him to live his purpose,
Speaker:because then he can truly hold space for the full spectrum of your feminine
Speaker:expression, because he is sourcing his stability and is able to lean into his
Speaker:body and his purpose, which allows you to feel immensely, immensely safe with him.
Speaker:And this is just, this is incredible.
Speaker:This is incredible.
Speaker:So for the brothers, through the work of creating safety inside your body and
Speaker:finding security and trust in your body?
Speaker:The feminine can feel that.
Speaker:Only when you feel safe in your body can the feminine feel safe with you.
Speaker:Only when you feel safe in holding your own emotions, your inner feminine,
Speaker:can you really hold the space, hold the container for the feminine.
Speaker:When she's testing you, when she's expressing herself, when she's
Speaker:going for the waves of her feminine expression and you lean into the
Speaker:mountain, into the stability of your purpose, of your mission, wow,
Speaker:that gives you an immense power.
Speaker:And of course, as she's always responding to your energy, that makes her feel
Speaker:immensely safe, immensely attracted to you, and safe to open, to surrender
Speaker:in your presence, to express the full magnitude or for feminine gifts, where
Speaker:if she's able to fully surrender, you are witnessing the embodied expression of the
Speaker:safety, stability, power, and strength of your warriorship and masculine core.
Speaker:And that touches, strengthens and empowers you like nothing else.
Speaker:Now I've shared a lot about this, but it goes even much, much deeper.
Speaker:I might do a part two about this.
Speaker:Let me know if you want me to elaborate further on any specific
Speaker:things as I want to serve you in the most powerful way in this podcast.
Speaker:Thank you for listening to this episode.
Speaker:Please share this with someone who needs to hear it.
Speaker:And if you want to learn more about my offerings, then I invite
Speaker:you to visit LorinKrenn.com or click on the show notes and learn
