Why we run from love
Why do we become anxious when we experience deep love or intimacy? Why do we find excuses? What is stopping us from going deeper?
Lorin explores the shadow work we must do so we can connect with our heart’s deepest yearning, without falling into the trap of focusing too much on shadow work.
Mentioned in this episode:
The Deep Polarity Program
An 8-week immersive journey to unlock the deepest intimacy through masculine & feminine dynamics.
Transcript
Today, I'm going to share with you the core reason why we run from love, why
Speaker:we become anxious when we experience deep love or deep intimacy, why we
Speaker:find excuses and what is actually stopping us from going deeper.
Speaker:My name is Lorin Krenn and I'm the host of this podcast.
Speaker:My mission is to help people experience deep intimacy through the power of
Speaker:masculine and feminine polarity.
Speaker:Let's drop in.
Speaker:Why is it that we run from love?
Speaker:Because deep down we all yearn for deep intimacy.
Speaker:For intimacy that truly touches our soul.
Speaker:It doesn't make any sense that we are running away.
Speaker:does it?
Speaker:Well, in my opinion, it makes perfect sense.
Speaker:Because we are missing something here in this conversation.
Speaker:No one would run from pleasure.
Speaker:No one would run from a deeply soul touching experience.
Speaker:No one would run from the joy of experiencing deep love and deep intimacy.
Speaker:Why would someone run from that?
Speaker:There is just absolutely no reason.
Speaker:What we are running from is not the intimacy.
Speaker:We are running from the shadow work that naturally happens when
Speaker:we experience deep intimacy.
Speaker:And most of us do not have and hold the capacity within to deal with the burning
Speaker:of our shadow that naturally happens when we experience deep love or deep intimacy.
Speaker:So let me explain what I actually mean by that on a practical example.
Speaker:The healing energy of love, of deep intimacy, does two things to you.
Speaker:It nourishes and nurtures your heart, empowers, energizes, revitalizes your
Speaker:heart like nothing else in this world.
Speaker:But the second thing it does, and this is often overlooked, is it exposes
Speaker:and brings everything to the surface that limits your experience of it.
Speaker:Let me repeat this again.
Speaker:You might wanna write this down because this is really crucial.
Speaker:First thing it nourishes and nurtures your heart, like nothing else, but
Speaker:the second thing it exposes and brings everything to the surface
Speaker:that limits your experience of it.
Speaker:That limits your experience of the highest love, of the deepest, of
Speaker:the intimacy that is truly available for you to experience in this life.
Speaker:Deep intimacies like medicine.
Speaker:And sometimes you need to purge before you can benefit and
Speaker:receive the medicine fully.
Speaker:And this is the case here.
Speaker:In order to benefit, well benefit, fuck that word, in order to receive
Speaker:the healing energy of deep love or deep intimacy, we first need to go
Speaker:through a period of shadow work.
Speaker:We need to go through a period of having our deepest traumas, our
Speaker:deepest core wounds, exposed and ultimately brought to the light.
Speaker:There is no other way.
Speaker:For some people who have done a lot of work on themselves, this
Speaker:process will, by the way, still happen, there is no way to avoid it.
Speaker:As in relationship, we become aware of wounds, hidden deep within our
Speaker:subconscious that normally do not reveal themselves when we are on our own.
Speaker:Doesn't mean that we can't do a lot of trauma work in healing,
Speaker:and all of that on our own.
Speaker:We can do a lot, but we can definitely not do everything, no matter how
Speaker:much work you have done on your own, you will never be fully prepared
Speaker:for a relationship and you too will go through a period of shadow work.
Speaker:But of course the length of that period varies from individual to individual.
Speaker:And the length of this shadow work period has to do with two things.
Speaker:Not just how much work someone has done, but also how much they resist,
Speaker:how much they fight this process.
Speaker:We hear in Hollywood movies about finding the perfect love,
Speaker:finding the perfect partner.
Speaker:Even in a spiritual community, it's all about attracting
Speaker:your conscious partner, right?
Speaker:How to manifest, right?
Speaker:How to manifest your ideal partner.
Speaker:And there is nothing wrong with these exercises and practices.
Speaker:They're indeed very powerful, but, that's not everything.
Speaker:Because it's great to attract it, but it's another thing to actually be able
Speaker:to be in that intensity, to be in the intensity of receiving the healing energy
Speaker:of deep intimacy and having our deepest core traumas brought to the surface.
Speaker:Surrendering to this experience without entirely collapsing into panic,
Speaker:anxiety, and, and being hijacked by our shadow and running the other way,
Speaker:the other direction as fast as we can.
Speaker:You see, that is what it really is about.
Speaker:It's great to do these practices, but it's really about how deeply
Speaker:are you connected to your heart's yearning and how deeply do you really
Speaker:fucking want to experience this?
Speaker:Because if it's not your highest desire or if it's not your biggest priority,
Speaker:then it's ultimately not going to work, because it's going to take all of you.
Speaker:Let's use another example to make it more practical.
Speaker:Let's use the example of being in the bedroom, making love.
Speaker:When we attract the conscious partner or experience deep intimacy for the
Speaker:first time, what often happens is a total shutdown, inside us inside
Speaker:the other person or inside both.
Speaker:A total feeling of overwhelm.
Speaker:Perhaps the man cannot have an erection, right?
Speaker:And this is because the energy of deep intimacy is doing something,
Speaker:both to the man, to the woman.
Speaker:It is moving through them.
Speaker:It is healing energetic wounds.
Speaker:When I experienced deep intimacy for the first time, it was just incredible
Speaker:to, to, to notice how something energy is just moving through my body.
Speaker:I call it experiencing the grace of the universe.
Speaker:Experiencing really connecting to the true nature of love, the highest
Speaker:love, sacred, love, the divine, whatever you wanna call it, but
Speaker:having an embodied experience of that.
Speaker:And having that embodied experience is not just about joy and ecstasy, especially at
Speaker:the beginning, it is about shadow work.
Speaker:It is about surrendering into even certain discomfort that
Speaker:arise, a sense of overwhelm.
Speaker:It's almost as if our heart, our nervous system, our body goes into overdrive
Speaker:because the intensity and the texture and energy is seemingly too intense.
Speaker:And this is because we've never trained ourselves or cultivated
Speaker:our capacity to hold that.
Speaker:And as I said, you can't train yourself before that to do that,
Speaker:but you can connect with your heart's deepest yearning and really
Speaker:make this your highest priority.
Speaker:And then you are prepared enough.
Speaker:Still gonna be immensely challenging.
Speaker:And it is up to you.
Speaker:It is your responsibility to not give into your shadow.
Speaker:But you've got all the preparation you can have.
Speaker:There is really nothing else you can do or not much more you can do.
Speaker:And this is normal to experience this kind of shutdown.
Speaker:A lot of people then also judge that and think, ah, yeah, because in the
Speaker:bedroom, there's this overwhelm or whatever, it's not the right thing, right?
Speaker:And they go back to their eroticized wounds, having sex with people who are
Speaker:not safe for their hearts, and believing that, oh yeah, this is a great pleasure,
Speaker:while in truth, it is actually their eroticized wound being activated.
Speaker:They're actually in a total trauma response, but they are in the
Speaker:assumption that this is pleasure while in truth, it is pain.
Speaker:Bessel van der Kolk, who wrote the famous book about The Body Keeps the Score, one
Speaker:of the, I would say, most popular books about cutting edge trauma work, he says
Speaker:that when we are very traumatized and this is not his exact quote, so don't take this
Speaker:literally, but he says something on the lines of when we are highly traumatized,
Speaker:then we are numbed out to feeling any enjoyment of life, to feeling alive.
Speaker:We no longer feel alive.
Speaker:We feel numbed out.
Speaker:No longer connected to our body.
Speaker:So there's no enjoyment.
Speaker:There's not much enjoyment of life anymore.
Speaker:And then we reengage or recreate our trauma for instance,
Speaker:through our relationships, in order to feel alive again.
Speaker:Because the stimulation, the intense sensations that arise, which is pain,
Speaker:which is a trauma response, which is not the highest love, they at least give
Speaker:us a brief escape from our numbness.
Speaker:Now that's a topic for another thing, but something I really felt
Speaker:called to share with you, because that really, really, whoa, changed
Speaker:my understanding of that intense, strong attraction sexual, but then
Speaker:actually is this really deep intimacy?
Speaker:And deep intimacy can also be a very strong sexual attraction.
Speaker:All I'm saying is I'm not saying that it's boring, not, not at all, but it
Speaker:can be seemingly more boring at first because we have to move through the
Speaker:shadow work for the challenges, and then it becomes the most joyfully
Speaker:aesthetic experience in his universe.
Speaker:And nothing ever compares to it.
Speaker:There is no turning back, simply because you don't want to.
Speaker:There is not a single desire in your soul to go back to that shallow
Speaker:intimacy, because you have touched the true sacredness and depth of, um,
Speaker:deep intimacy or the highest love.
Speaker:The work of attracting a conscious partner or a reality where you experience
Speaker:deep intimacy on a sustained basis is less about some fucking manifestation
Speaker:technique, and much more about being able to hold this energetic reality,
Speaker:to become accustomed, to, to develop a sense of worthiness or the feeling
Speaker:of I deserve to experience this.
Speaker:This is my true nature.
Speaker:And also to remain in the fire that burns your shadow away.
Speaker:The healing energy of deep intimacy, and exposes your core patterns and wounds.
Speaker:We want the pleasure aspect from deep intimacy.
Speaker:The nurturing aspect yet the shadow work we are afraid of.
Speaker:We push away, we label it as not love.
Speaker:Stuck, and then we run.
Speaker:Stuck in an endless maze of trying to find love, trying to find
Speaker:deep intimacy, that only consists of pleasure and feeling good.
Speaker:Yet it doesn't exist.
Speaker:It's bullshit.
Speaker:This is simply not how it works.
Speaker:This is a universal law.
Speaker:Deep intimacy without shadow work, no existe.
Speaker:And the longer you resist it, the more you will suffer.
Speaker:Deep intimacy is not cool.
Speaker:Neither is it fancy.
Speaker:And it doesn't offer an escape.
Speaker:It is the most profound shadow work and most profound and direct and radical
Speaker:shadow work you can ever choose.
Speaker:And if we choose deep intimacy, we also choose our highest evolution.
Speaker:You might ask now, what is the fucking purpose of this?
Speaker:Is the purpose to constantly do the fucking shadow work and working
Speaker:on your shadow day in day night?
Speaker:No, that's another trap.
Speaker:Being constantly in shadow work.
Speaker:You know, I'm working on my shadow.
Speaker:Is this my shadow?
Speaker:Uh, uh, it's great to ask these questions.
Speaker:It's great to do shadow work.
Speaker:It's great to prioritize shadow work, but another trap while practicing
Speaker:shadow work is that we become addicted to the shadow work, the constant cycle
Speaker:of having to prove now we are worthy.
Speaker:But there is infinite amount of shadow work to do as long as we breathe, so
Speaker:that doesn't make any sense because when can you ever feel worthy or when
Speaker:have you ever done an option work?
Speaker:There is no end.
Speaker:It always continues.
Speaker:So you might as well give yourself permission to feel worthy of it already.
Speaker:But you might ask why the constant shadow work?
Speaker:Is, is this suffering and this so intense?
Speaker:Why would I choose deep intimacy?
Speaker:No, this is just at the beginning.
Speaker:When you have to purge.
Speaker:Maybe a few months, maybe a few weeks, maybe for some people a few years.
Speaker:But even that is absolutely worth it.
Speaker:Because the time will eventually come, if you stay consistent with it, where you can
Speaker:fully receive its medicine, its wisdom, its ancientness and its sacredness.
Speaker:And then you realize that it was all worth it.
Speaker:You have grown profoundly.
Speaker:Your soul has evolved like never before.
Speaker:Your heart has become wiser than ever before.
Speaker:And you feel safer than ever before in your body.
Speaker:So, what do you do if you feel it is being too intense and you want to run away?
Speaker:What do you do in this moment?
Speaker:Number one is surrender to it.
Speaker:Allow it to happen.
Speaker:Let your partner or lover know that it is really intense for you.
Speaker:Perhaps you want to cry.
Speaker:Perhaps you want to release emotions.
Speaker:Perhaps you just want to feel your heart, which is deeply moved by the experience.
Speaker:Perhaps you are awakening to pass traumas, which remain deeply
Speaker:locked away in your subconscious.
Speaker:All of this is entirely normal.
Speaker:This is the highest love washing over you.
Speaker:The most powerful healer in this world.
Speaker:Surrender to it.
Speaker:And number two.
Speaker:Notice how your shadow wants to run away from doing the shadow work.
Speaker:Mostly it happens in the following way.
Speaker:Number one, we find excuses, why it is not right, this relationship.
Speaker:We overemphasize things that actually are not really significant and we convince
Speaker:everyone around us and ourselves of a bullshit story that doesn't make any
Speaker:sense, and doesn't actually express the true yearning of our heart at all.
Speaker:But we convince ourselves, we convince others, we humans our masters at that,
Speaker:then we suffer silently and every time the true yearning of our heart
Speaker:emerges, we push it away and go back into our illusionary bullshit story.
Speaker:The other thing is our shadow self sabotages.
Speaker:For instance, we end up messing up the relationship.
Speaker:For instance, we let our ex-partner back in.
Speaker:Our partner feels betrayed and leaves us.
Speaker:A conscious partner will do that.
Speaker:I mean, this is another topic, but I'm talking about communicating with
Speaker:your ex-partner in an intimate way.
Speaker:I'm not talking about if you share custody and have to
Speaker:communicate with them, obviously.
Speaker:Or another thing is someone cheats or someone says something irreparable.
Speaker:Ultimately all of these things, self-sabotage only to get abandoned, and
Speaker:then to not have to face the shadow work.
Speaker:The shadow is immensely sneaky.
Speaker:It will do everything to avoid the shadow work, even if it means getting addicted
Speaker:to the shadow work and then no longer experiencing any joy or worthiness.
Speaker:You need to take control of this, otherwise it will control you.
Speaker:Another important thing is the mere awareness that this is normal to
Speaker:experience this intensity, to have the feeling to want to run away.
Speaker:There is nothing wrong with you.
Speaker:That is simply part of the journey.
Speaker:I have spent a lot of time sitting with myself in moments where my shadow
Speaker:wanted to run, and simply allowing it to burn, allowing the healing energy
Speaker:of deep intimacy and the highest love to burn through directly until
Speaker:it started to touch my soul, and started to heal and transform my life.
Speaker:It is not easy.
Speaker:Perhaps it is the most challenging thing in this universe.
Speaker:Yet you will receive the highest rewards.
Speaker:As when you experience a sustained reality of deep intimacy, your nervous
Speaker:system becomes naturally more resilient.
Speaker:You heal your inner child.
Speaker:Your heart becomes wiser, deeper, and you start to feel safer in your own body.
Speaker:You start to thereby also trust yourself more.
Speaker:Trusting ourselves is in direct correlation with how
Speaker:safe we feel in our body.
Speaker:And it takes time for your body, for your entire being to adjust to this
Speaker:new reality, a reality, which is one of harmony, soothing to your entire being.
Speaker:It is very different than how most of us experience their childhoods, their
Speaker:past relationships, or in general life.
Speaker:The hecticness of life being constantly stuck in fight and flight mode.
Speaker:But when you go through the perhaps years, even of surrendering to this,
Speaker:of letting your shadow burn, then you start to build a sanctuary.
Speaker:Your relationship becomes the embodiment of the divine, of the highest love.
Speaker:And then of course, through your union, through the energy field you co-create,
Speaker:you start to deeply inspire others.
Speaker:You allow others to soften around you.
Speaker:This is the path, not only of your deepest heart, but the path for whole humanity,
Speaker:the path of union, the paradigm of union.
Speaker:Thank you for listening.
Speaker:Thank you for being here.
Speaker:I'm honored to have you here.
Speaker:And please share this episode with someone who needs to hear this.
