Why Men Take Women for Granted
Many men seem to take their partners for granted over time, even when they deeply love them. They stop putting in the effort and expressing their love as they once did. This behaviour is often rooted in a sense of unworthiness, a deeply ingrained belief that sabotages their relationships.
Fixing this behaviour takes courage, awareness, and regular practice to keep our hearts open, even when it feels painful.
Without taking ownership and action, men risk falling into a cycle of unworthiness that sabotages our relationships. We may become numb, disconnected, and stuck in our heads. Our hearts may close, and we may stop putting effort into our relationships, causing them to wither.
In this episode, Lorin lays out some daily habits and practices that will keep you connected with your heart and help you break free from the cycle of unworthiness.
Mentioned in this episode:
The Deep Polarity Program
An 8-week immersive journey to unlock the deepest intimacy through masculine & feminine dynamics.
Transcript
Why are there so many good men who clearly love their partner, their wife, their girlfriend, and yet somehow they seem to take her for granted, stop putting in the effort, shut down, and no longer express their love as before?
Speaker:Today I will reveal what is really going on here and how you as a man can radically break free from this.
Speaker:I'm gonna actually provide you with a three step life changing approach, and how you as a woman listening can support a man in this, from an empowered place, without losing yourself in the savior role, in trying to rescue him.
Speaker:This is going to be intense, but it's also of course going to be powerful.
Speaker:It's going to be raw, and I'm really, really pumped to begin this episode.
Speaker:Welcome to the Masculine and Feminine Dynamics Podcast.
Speaker:My name is Lorin Krenn and I'm a coach, author, and hypnotherapist.
Speaker:I help you to understand men and women better to create the relationship you want.
Speaker:Let's dive in.
Speaker:One of the core reasons why men stop putting in the effort, take a woman for granted in a relationship is because of a deeper sense of unworthiness that is unconsciously sabotaging their relationship, that put their relationship potential, the highest potential of what is possible in a relationship.
Speaker:If they no longer show up fully, are shut down and closed up, then the relationship is slowly going to wither and eventually most likely end.
Speaker:And then they receive the subconscious proof that they are not good enough.
Speaker:Now, some of you might go, whoa, that's really complex and abstract, but this is how our unconscious limiting beliefs, specifically the things that we have experienced, the pain and trauma and wounding in our childhood, these are the deepest subconscious limiting beliefs, such as I am unworthy of love, I am not good enough.
Speaker:And that I am not good enough plays out in this way where a man might, at the beginning, really show up during the honeymoon phase and then later on, stop putting in the effort, take her for granted.
Speaker:Not because he doesn't care, not because he doesn't love her, but because this unworthiness programming is running the show.
Speaker:He's not aware of it, but he's in that, that's operating un subconsciously within him, he stops putting in the effort and then there is more disconnect, there is more pain and boom proof.
Speaker:Here and then the shadow or like that, that it's almost like it becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy.
Speaker:Look, I'm not good enough.
Speaker:Look, I just can't get it right.
Speaker:I am not enough.
Speaker:And so many men, we struggle with this.
Speaker:Women listening, we struggle with this deep sense of unworthiness.
Speaker:I've worked with so many men in my men's groups in my one-on-One coaching around this.
Speaker:This is at the core of so much relationship pain that arises for men in relationships, and of course creates pain for the, for the woman as well.
Speaker:The reason why this is so difficult to grasp is because this is so subtle.
Speaker:You see, it's not the cheating.
Speaker:I did an episode about that, or one big painful experience where trust is, um, destroyed with the feminine.
Speaker:It is this subtle, consistent withdrawal, disappearing kind of mentally checking out or better emotionally, I would say spiritually, energetically checking out.
Speaker:This sense of isolation, retreating kind of into the mind and no longer being available for a heart connection.
Speaker:And all these ways, these shutdowns, these kind of internal retreat and heart closure, we can call it the closing of the heart, specifically those subtle expressions are often expressions of unworthiness, of that subconscious programming running.
Speaker:And the reason why, this doesn't mean he doesn't care or doesn't love her, although in some scenarios that might be the case.
Speaker:But usually what it means is that he is in a great deal of internal pain.
Speaker:I want you to listen to this.
Speaker:A man can be in a relationship with a good woman who pours all her love into a relationship and he still feels deeply unworthy.
Speaker:For the men listening, you might connect with that.
Speaker:There's so much love coming your way, and yet there's that unworthiness that's still deep within that's keeping you from actually allowing that fully in.
Speaker:These shutdowns and closure inside you.
Speaker:That numbness that you feel, that's the unworthiness.
Speaker:And for women listening, you can express infinite love through your feminine heart, but it doesn't mean that a man can receive it.
Speaker:He can receive it based on the level of wholeness that he's experiencing.
Speaker:This doesn't mean he's perfectly healed.
Speaker:No one is perfectly healed.
Speaker:As long as we're alive, we've got work to do.
Speaker:But it means one thing.
Speaker:If a man feels entirely unworthy of love, how can he receive your love?
Speaker:I.
Speaker:If a man feels he's doing the work, and that's why it's so important, right, to work through that.
Speaker:As men, when we do, as men do the work and we start to no longer operate from this place of I'm worthless, let me prove my worth in the world, and we start to operate from a place of internal power, we know who we are.
Speaker:We know that who we are is enough, now we become powerful creators.
Speaker:But without going into a different topic here, the level of receptivity of a man for love is determined by how whole he feels within himself or how, how connected he feels to his own heart.
Speaker:There could be another way to make it even more practical.
Speaker:When a man is disconnected from himself, how can he receive?
Speaker:What I'm speaking here about usually doesn't happen at the beginning.
Speaker:This is because of the honeymoon phase, because in the honeymoon phase that can rescue us men temporarily from this unworthiness conditioning, from our usual patterns, our usual pain.
Speaker:For a moment, we are in this bubble of love and we feel alive and we are present.
Speaker:And for a moment it seems that our patterns have evaporated.
Speaker:But there're still there, because we and every individual, this is not solely to speaking to men, but every individual has to do this work within themselves because it doesn't matter how much love you receive from the outside world.
Speaker:If you feel unworthy, then you will always unconsciously create or reaffirm that sense of unworthiness.
Speaker:That's a tough pill to swallow.
Speaker:And it can temporarily rescue us.
Speaker:But then eventually, as the honeymoon phase ends, and I always say, people say the honey honeymoon phase ends and then the pain comes.
Speaker:No, the honeymoon phase ends because more depth awaits us.
Speaker:The honeymoon phase is novelty.
Speaker:Novelty is great, pleasure, excitement.
Speaker:But a sacred union goes so much deeper than just the pleasure of novelty.
Speaker:What is true pleasure?
Speaker:It's depth, true depth of devotion.
Speaker:That is the ultimate pleasure, And everything changed.
Speaker:In my life, I'm married to my wonderful wife and this path of total devotion, all my energy, all my presence goes to her, has absolutely transformed everything for me in my life.
Speaker:Yeah, novelty is cool.
Speaker:But have you ever been in a safe, committed relationship where you experience a consistency of love and trust and mutual respect and growing and evolving together?
Speaker:That's the real deal.
Speaker:The second core reason is that a man feels constantly criticized by the woman.
Speaker:There's subtle nuances to this.
Speaker:There might be responsibility on the woman's side.
Speaker:So maybe she has a father wound.
Speaker:I've done an episode about the father wound when a woman has a father wound in a relationship.
Speaker:That's one of the recent episodes as well.
Speaker:But when a woman struggles with the father wound she might constantly tell a man in a million different ways that he's not good enough.
Speaker:And of course she plays a role.
Speaker:That's not just the man and his unworthiness conditioning.
Speaker:No, she's constantly communicating to, to him that he's not good enough, and that could be a reason why a man stops putting in the effort.
Speaker:Not take her for granted, but stops putting in the effort, because he doesn't feel that he's truly honored and seen as a man in the relationship.
Speaker:However, there are subtle nuances to this.
Speaker:And often what can happen is that we men, we take everything as criticism.
Speaker:Now, I'm not saying women don't have responsibility in how they deliver when you want things to change or challenges or, upset, expressing upset.
Speaker:Of course that plays a huge role.
Speaker:Our relationships are two-way streets, you're both in the dynamic, it's never just one.
Speaker:This is where it gets very complex.
Speaker:And this is why when I work with people, I need to understand the context.
Speaker:It's difficult for me to just generalize this and give you a kind of answer because it's, it won't be right.
Speaker:It all depends on the context.
Speaker:In some cases, the woman might have a lot of responsibility in this.
Speaker:In other cases, the woman might actually be constantly trying to communicate it in the most loving way possible and still the man takes it as total criticism and that he's not good enough.
Speaker:And this kind of unworthiness programming is running and expressing itself in this way.
Speaker:It's like, oh, you're criticizing me.
Speaker:I can never get anything right and nothing is ever good enough for you, and this is how it's then being projected onto the woman.
Speaker:And
Speaker:it's very important here to distinguish.
Speaker:Does the woman play a huge part in her delivery?
Speaker:In this?
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Then the woman needs to work on this.
Speaker:That's very important because as a woman, you can't just want us men to change or to change our behavior, to show up differently if you constantly just criticize and tell us in a million different ways all the things how we are not enough and how we're not doing enough.
Speaker:How we're not being enough or whatever it is.
Speaker:So delivery is very important, but often there's a mixture.
Speaker:The woman has responsibility and we men, for the men listening, we take everything as criticism.
Speaker:She says anything, it's like, oh wow, that's criticism.
Speaker:She's criticizing me again, right?
Speaker:And we are operating from the place of kind of, um, wounding with the feminine, where it's like anything that's in any way threatening to our shadow or, or triggering our wounding in any way is immediately labeled as criticism rather than looking at what is actually being activated within me.
Speaker:That's the ultimate masculine strength, I would say, is to be able to differentiate between the two.
Speaker:Because there are times where we have to stand up and speak our truths, man, and that is the most conscious act.
Speaker:And there are other times we're receiving and listening the feminist is the most courageous act we can do because it's so easy to fall into this conditioning of just pushing her away and not wanting to look at what's actually being activated within us.
Speaker:So what happens in this dynamic?
Speaker:Rather than consciously, the man expressing, speaking his truth, he silently withdraws.
Speaker:So speaking of the dynamic where the woman is constantly criticizing him or he perceives everything as criticism, or it's kind of in the middle between the two, often what happens is that men don't speak their truth.
Speaker:Hey baby, when you shared this, I want you to share everything with me, right?
Speaker:I'm willing to listen and to hear of how I can show up more.
Speaker:However, when you said x, y z, um, that didn't feel respectful to me, right?
Speaker:That's expressing your truth.
Speaker:That's expressing your needs.
Speaker:That's having a courageous and conscious conversation.
Speaker:And many men then don't speak this and silently withdraw, close their heart.
Speaker:And now in an attempt to not feel this pain that they feel of being criticized, they shut down.
Speaker:Rather than voicing and speaking their truth.
Speaker:And from there, you are able to, as a couple in a relationship, you're able to work through this together, to both find your responsibility in this.
Speaker:But of course, if there is no truth spoken, then that's gonna be very difficult.
Speaker:Here too the unworthiness is at play.
Speaker:Rather than speaking his truth or even setting a boundary, he doesn't give the woman that opportunity.
Speaker:He doesn't express his needs clearly, so the woman doesn't really know what he needs, it's very, very important.
Speaker:As men, we need to learn to express our needs rather than just shutting down and withdrawing, because that is not going to work.
Speaker:It's not going to give us what we want.
Speaker:It's an expression of the little boy within us that is heard that shuts down and that one's attention.
Speaker:The man within us is the one who speaks his truth from his heart courageously and truthfully.
Speaker:As men, and this is also important for women to hear, we have this internal question, this is our generational trauma of men.
Speaker:Am I good enough or not?
Speaker:And it's almost like we're asking ourselves these questions subconsciously all the time.
Speaker:Allow me to give an example.
Speaker:The woman criticizes him or it's perceived criticism, then that question of, am I good enough or not?
Speaker:gets answered with I am not good enough.
Speaker:That's where the shutting down the heart closure, the disconnect starts to happen, or an unsuccessful day.
Speaker:Let's say a man is building a business and he has got a good day on that day, the kind of narrative is, I'm good enough, and now he's seemingly operating from a more powerful place.
Speaker:You as a man listening, that is the path of suffering.
Speaker:Because when you source it from something outside, then you will have days where you feel better and days where you, you will feel, where you feel like you're totally crashing, you are dysfunctional, you can't show up fully, you don't have the muscle and the heart and the
Speaker:courage to, um, turn your vision into a living reality because you need that external validation, that sense of, ah, I'm good enough.
Speaker:World, tell me I'm good enough.
Speaker:Fuck that.
Speaker:That's something you source from deep within.
Speaker:But for women listening, we're operating under this.
Speaker:We're kind of walking through life, and then when you express something to us, whether it's perceived for us or it's actually you criticizing us and being in the father wound, that's when the shutdown is going to happen.
Speaker:As men, it is so important that we no longer operate from this lens of, am I good enough or not?
Speaker:Walking through life in this way.
Speaker:It is time to operate from a place of feeling whole, feeling safe, feeling secure inside ourselves.
Speaker:That is our true power.
Speaker:Yes, you can go far in your life wanting to receive validation from the world and showing everyone that you are good enough.
Speaker:You might even become very, very successful, but you will be deeply unhappy, unfulfilled, uninspired in this process.
Speaker:I see this all the time with the men I work with.
Speaker:They might have 200 people working for them in their company, and they might make so much money and even be married to a wonderful woman, a good woman who loves them and pours all her love but deep down, they feel so unworthy because they don't feel whole and secure within themselves.
Speaker:So let's get into the three step approach of how you as a man can break free from the shutting down withdrawal, isolating yourself in a sense, closing your heart, and taking a woman for granted, no longer putting in the effort.
Speaker:And then afterwards, I'm going to talk about how you as a woman can actually support us many this without losing yourself, your own heart and truth in this process.
Speaker:Now, the first step as men is to catch ourselves and to become aware of when we start to shut down.
Speaker:So the best way to describe this is heart closure.
Speaker:When we're shut down, when we are disconnected from ourselves, our heart is closed.
Speaker:So we need to become incredibly aware, and awareness does not lead to changes immediately, but it's the first step, we need to become aware of when this shutdown is happening.
Speaker:Because if you're not aware of it, you are totally trapped in it.
Speaker:So start to become a warrior, a conscious warrior that checks in with himself during the day of what's going on inside you.
Speaker:Are you discarded from yourself?
Speaker:Are you operating in that place of numbness, overly stuck in your head, feeling unworthy?
Speaker:And when you notice that, then I want to bring your awareness to your heart.
Speaker:And that's where the second step comes in.
Speaker:And this is very difficult to put into words, but in these moments, what you can do is take a deep breath into your heart and to really, with all your fucking courage, feel your heart as powerfully as you can, as you experience that shutdown being stuck in your head, and that sense of numbness and unworthiness.
Speaker:You feel it with the entire might of your soul and courage.
Speaker:You stay there.
Speaker:And this is the real practice of the heart warrior.
Speaker:This is true spiritual warriorship.
Speaker:You feel your heart as deeply as you can, and that is going to be the anchor.
Speaker:That is going to be the force of power, spirit helping you, rather than falling and staying stuck in this unconscious pattern to actually break free from this.
Speaker:First, become aware, all the time, every time as much as possible to your best capability of when you are in that state, and then feel your heart.
Speaker:You can do a practice.
Speaker:I call heart breathing.
Speaker:You breathe through your nostrils into your heart, seven to eight seconds.
Speaker:On the exhale, you visualize expanding the energy you brought into your heart, into the rest of your body.
Speaker:Inhale, you bring energy into your heart.
Speaker:Exhale seven to eight seconds through your nostrils.
Speaker:Again, you expand this energy from your heart into the rest of your body.
Speaker:Let's do this a few times.
Speaker:Inhale, cultivating energy in your heart.
Speaker:Exhale, expanding outwards in the rest of your body.
Speaker:And as you do this, your heart remains open.
Speaker:And as your heart remains open, even if it's only a little bit, and it will feel very painful, you will feel so much resistance when you do this for the first time, because this pattern is so strong.
Speaker:This is something you've been unconsciously training yourself in.
Speaker:You've become a master at numbness of being stuck in your head, of being disconnected from yourself.
Speaker:Now it feels like this unbearable task of somehow keeping your heart open, even everything, even though everything inside you is screaming to go numb, to disconnect, to shut down, to withdraw.
Speaker:But that's the work of the conscious and spiritual warrior.
Speaker:One of the greatest acts of courage is to leave your heart open when it wants to shut down and close.
Speaker:The deeper answers will come to you when your heart remains open.
Speaker:The answer as to if you need to set a boundary with the feminine because you are constantly being criticized and she's operating from her father wants.
Speaker:Or if you are interpreting her expression as criticism from your unworthiness, programming and conditioning.
Speaker:These answers will come to you if you are connected to your heart, or if you, if you leave your heart open, because the heart is the gateway to the sacred.
Speaker:You want deeper answers.
Speaker:You have to leave your heart open.
Speaker:Nothing will come from the energetic state of closure being shut down and stuck in your head.
Speaker:Make it a conscious practice to notice every time when your heart shuts down.
Speaker:Journal about it.
Speaker:Journaling is very powerful.
Speaker:I recommended I do it every single morning and every single evening.
Speaker:Become so aware of it that you don't miss it.
Speaker:Become so aware of it that when you are in this state, you feel it so strongly.
Speaker:Even though that's painful at first, it is the pain of clarity that's going to guide you out of this.
Speaker:This is the true shadow work.
Speaker:This is very hard, and potentially you will feel worse off at the beginning because you will be so acutely aware of how disconnected you are.
Speaker:But remember, you are not being more disconnected.
Speaker:You're just awakening and seeing clearly how disconnected you were in the first place.
Speaker:That true is the path of healing, growth, and awakening.
Speaker:And of course, by being aware, by doing the heart, breathing, by feeling your heart with your entire strength and courage and intention in this moment when moments where everything wants to shut down within you, this is also the answer to.
Speaker:How to show up and how to continue to show up, how to not take a woman for granted, how to not stop putting in the effort, because naturally, when you are connected to this place, you'll show up.
Speaker:Why?
Speaker:Because you are connected to the infinite possibilities to express love, to deepen your union, your relationship.
Speaker:It's so easy to deepen the connection, to deepen love.
Speaker:It's the easiest thing in the entire world.
Speaker:But of course, if we are stuck in our hands, we feel completely unworthy.
Speaker:We don't see any of that.
Speaker:It's not a hard job.
Speaker:It's so easy when you are connected and in touch with your heart, and when your heart remains open, at least in some way you are connected to that.
Speaker:There are infinite possibilities in every moment to create deeper trust, deeper safety, connection, and intimacy with the feminine.
Speaker:But of course, you, we as men have to do the work to be connected to this infinite possibilities.
Speaker:And that is only possible by doing the greatest act of spiritual warriorship, and that is to stay connected and in touch and leave our heart open no matter what.
Speaker:And from there, the deeper answers come from their consistency naturally comes, and expressing our love in a consistent, powerfully masculine way.
Speaker:Now, as a woman listening, a, can you support a man in this without losing your power and falling into the savior role?
Speaker:Number one, take full responsibility of your delivery of when you desire for a man to show up differently.
Speaker:Now, of course, I'm not saying to sugarcoat your intuition, no, because that would just play into the generational trauma of women.
Speaker:So press your voice constantly, walk on eggshells and think about how you're gonna say it to not upset him.
Speaker:That's not what I'm talking about.
Speaker:But if you are operating from a place of father wound and you are constantly criticizing him, constantly telling him in a million ways that he's still not enough, then I want to bring your awareness to the things that he is doing amazingly, and I want you to focus on these things.
Speaker:Doesn't mean you don't set a boundary.
Speaker:Doesn't mean you have to be now happy and forget about the other things.
Speaker:But just honor him for these things more and watch what happens.
Speaker:Watch how his heart can exhale with more relief.
Speaker:You are not responsible for us men to work through our unworthiness, and you cannot do the work for us.
Speaker:But by you focusing on what is right in the relationship, it will allow us to breathe deeper, to naturally feel more inspired to connect with our heart, rather than you being focused on what is going wrong in the relationship all the time.
Speaker:And to get even more practical here, you can literally let a man know the following.
Speaker:I don't like when you show up in this way.
Speaker:I don't feel safe when you do X, Y, Z.
Speaker:But I love you and I can see how you're showing up in so many other different ways.
Speaker:This depends on the context.
Speaker:You are not his therapist.
Speaker:Again, you are not sugarcoating, but when you say, I don't feel safe with you, I don't trust you, unless of course something big has happened, then it's going to make it much harder for us men to receive you.
Speaker:But if you let us know, Hey, this behavior.
Speaker:It's not okay for you and you still see us and still love us, that can go a long, long way, specifically when we're talking about this specific dynamic.
Speaker:By focusing on what's right in the relationship and honoring us men for that, it might just inspire us to connect more with our own heart and do the work.
Speaker:And if there's zero willingness from us men to do this, then it doesn't matter.
Speaker:As I've mentioned at the beginning, no matter how much love you pour into the relationship, we cannot receive it because we're operating from this place of I am unworthy of love.
Speaker:So whatever comes our way is being blocked by that, because we don't feel worthy enough of actually receiving the beauty of that.
Speaker:Thank you for listening.
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