When a Man Shuts Down (what is really happening)

Speaker A: 00:00:00

When a man is in the grip of shame and he doesn't have the tools to actually work through it, or to name it, or to own it, or to communicate it to a woman, or truly to anyone, then other people will feel abandoned by him, other people will feel left by him, other people will feel hurt by him.

And then their reaction of either pulling back or becoming more direct and becoming more intense in trying to reach him paradoxically creates the experience that there is something wrong with him. Welcome to the Core. My name is Lorin Kren, founder of the Core Method.

I help people to get to the core of their deepest challenges in relationships, purpose, and life, and to create real change at the root. If you have been here before, you know this show as masculine and feminine dynamics were now continuing as the core. Same depth and same focus.

If you're not subscribed yet, subscribe now. So you never miss an episode. When a man shuts down, there is a deep, nuanced, complex process that actually takes place.

And yet there's so many generalizations of what that means. It means he's avoidant. It means he doesn't care. It means he doesn't love her. It means whatever.

But in truth, there is actually something very deep that is happening inside him.

And it's interesting because when we talk about shutting down, going numb, disconnecting, we would often think that this is a man who doesn't feel, but it's a man actually who's overwhelmed by feeling. It's not that he doesn't feel anything, and that's why he's numb and disconnected.

It's that he's feeling so much, and it feels like too much to process, too much to integrate, too much to be with. So let's go to the core. Let's make this really practical. What is that? Shutting down?

Why is a man shutting down, especially in relationship, especially in relationship with women?

It's because when he's shutting down, he's not deciding when to close off right now and withhold love, even though some people might deliberately manipulate men or women. But in most cases, a man is entering a state of shame. Yes, shame. And maybe you've never thought about this before.

You thought, well, if a man shuts down, he doesn't care. Or as a man listening, if I shut down, you don't actually know that you are in the grip of shame.

And there's a very important distinction between shame and guilt. Guilt says I've done something wrong. Shame says there is something wrong with me. You might want to jot this down or write this down.

Because being in the energy or inhabiting the emotion or the belief or the sensation that there is something wrong with you is incredibly challenging. So from the outside, it looks like a wall. It looks like a shutting down, it looks like a complete disconnection.

But on the inside, it's inhabiting the belief that there is something wrong. It's the belief that I am bad.

And it's one of the most painful beliefs to experience because it is accompanied by such a painful sensation and emotional experience. And yet so many men and women too, of course, are operating unconsciously from that place.

And the crazy thing is that in relationship between men and women, when a man shuts down because he gets triggered, or because a woman is expressing her upset with something in that moment, it's actually shame being activated. But women then will often take it personal, make it about themselves. He's shutting down because of me. I'm doing something wrong.

And then on top of that shame, he shuts down. Or on top of the shame, he feels that he's failing her, so he shuts down even more. She's trying to reach him, right?

Maybe her questions become more intense, her questions become more piercing. She's trying to reach him as he's slowly disappearing into a place where no one can truly reach him.

And then, paradoxically, his belief that he is bad and not good enough becomes affirmed, because her belief that something is wrong with her or that she's too much or too intense also becomes affirmed, because after all, the story might be he's shutting down because of something I did or because of who I am.

So, as you can see, what's happening here is specifically, this plays out in every everywhere in our life, these limiting beliefs or these challenging emotional wounding, this challenging emotional wound we've experienced from childhood. But it's especially an intimate relationship where it surfaces at the most practical and the most direct level.

When a man is in the grip of shame and he doesn't have the tools to actually work through it, or to name it, or to own it, or to communicate it to a woman or truly to anyone, then other people will feel abandoned by him. Other people will feel left by him, other people will feel hurt by him.

And then their reaction of either pulling back or becoming more direct and becoming more intense in trying to reach him paradoxically creates the experience that there is something wrong with him. And after all, it is a story of I'm not good enough.

And you see, this can become especially activated with a woman who's pouring a lot of Love into the relationship. Because that shame state, that has been unconsciously kind of conditioned.

We if you go into that state again and again, it becomes kind of your emotional home.

And I don't know, if you're in a relationship then with a wonderful woman who brings so much love, who's rooted in her heart, who's rooted in her truth, her heart is open, then it can really trigger this shame state in us. And paradoxically will make the woman in most cases think that he doesn't love her or you don't love her, or that we men don't care.

But it's not that. It's being in the grip of shame. It's really painful. I know how it feels. I know this state intimately.

The state of something's terribly wrong with me, I'm bad. It's an awful sensation to live in. It's crushing. It's just.

It's gut wrenching because you already feel like you've lost before you even begin your day. You already feel defeated. Shame, paradoxically, the way we try to deal with shame specifically as men is that we try to push it away.

Or we shame ourselves for experiencing shame, or we feel shame, that we are experiencing shame specifically if we see how much it hurts a woman, specifically as a woman listening, when you cannot reach a man when he's so far away in the distance. This shame state, if we go deeper and more practical now, is an experience that everything feels too much.

This will arise especially in conflict with a woman. A specific tone of a woman might trigger that emotional wound.

And when this state gets triggered, it's a coping mechanism to deal with feeling completely overwhelmed, feeling that one cannot regulate their emotional experience, that they're no longer in control of what's happening, but everything feels too much. So the system does one thing which is actually quite intelligent. It shuts down as a child.

This is usually a man who's been shamed for his feelings, for his emotions, who's been told directly or indirectly that whatever he's experiencing is too much for others. He needs to stop bringing all of him because all of him is too much. He needs to almost put a lid on his experience, right?

Because otherwise he will be too much. It's something I have experienced as a child as well, that my emotional experience and me growing up was too much or deemed as too challenging.

So I shut down. I closed something off inside myself. And that creates a wound with our own heart.

And then of course, when we operate under that belief, that belief becomes affirmed. That's what we start to See, in the world, even though it is not true, the woman feels, I cannot reach him anymore.

And of course you try to reach him, but there is this wall. And as men, sometimes you can feel that we cannot remove that wall in that moment. And that might be true in that very moment.

When you're in the grip of shame, specifically when you're in a high stake moment or a conflict moment with a woman, with your partner, with your wife, you can't get rid of the shame in that moment. But that's exactly what the issue is. The issue is you're trying to get rid of it. So my invitation is, can you allow it?

Because a man who allows himself to have that experience is now in that moment, no longer as much in the grip of the experience.

Because when you're trying to get rid of something, you're trying to push it away, but you're only making it stronger when you actually allow yourself to get in touch with that shame, to face that shame fully.

Now, you have a language, you have an awareness for it, and you can communicate that with a woman and a woman who is open, who is genuine, who's conscious. You as a woman, you will feel so connected to a man who can take ownership and let you know that right now he's in the grip of shame.

Because a man who knows that right now is in a grip of shame is no longer governed by the shame. What you own does not own you. What you don't own owns you. And many men, without realizing it, are owned by shame.

But just because that shame has become so normal, just because that shutdown has become so normal, doesn't mean it is normal. It just feels normal because you've experienced it so many times.

And women, the way they usually respond, as I already shared to a man shutting down, is trying to reach him harder. And it just leads to more shame and more pain.

Usually, even though the response of most women is genuine in that moment, is trying to close that gap, is trying to close that distance, is trying to find a way over that wall that is suddenly there. And women are masters at sensing any wall or any distance in that moment.

We as men, we might tell ourselves, or if we don't mention it, she won't feel it, but she always feels it.

The natural response as a woman to that is that you're going to try to reach us harder, to quicker, with more intensity, but it's the very thing, even though your intention is genuine, it's the very thing that's pushing us further into the shame. Because now we feel that on top of our painful experience that we don't feel in control of, which is why we're experiencing shame.

We're experiencing shame because everything feels too much. Our system shuts down because we don't feel we have the capacity to regulate our emotions.

On top of that, the natural response of most women, even though loving and genuine, creates more shame, which makes men even more unlikely to share what is really happening. This is where wounding affirms wounding. A woman's deepest wounding, that she's too much becomes affirmed.

If I bring all of me, he shuts down, he gets triggered, he becomes emotionally reactive. And as a man, I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy of a woman's love, specifically the woman I love deeply.

That shame is exactly affirming that than a woman being in pain or feeling hurt or feeling unmet. One of the most powerful things that a woman can do in these moments. And it's not up to a woman to change the shame state.

But as a woman listening and here to really understand this, I'm giving you something very, very important that might change your life forever. With men, you say to a man, I notice something is happening. I notice when you say you're fine, but I notice something is happening.

I just want to be there for you. Maybe there is something you want to share with me. And whatever it is, I'm totally open to hearing it. You don't have to use this as a script.

But in that moment, if you can communicate to us men that you want our truth, even if it's challenging, that you're open to receive us as we are and not just some polished high performance machine, which is the conditioning most of us mentioned have experienced growing up, then it makes a man much more likely to feel less like a failure and to feel open to share. Now that's something powerful you can do as a woman. But it's up to us men to face our own shame.

Because a woman might be the trigger, but not the root. A woman is not the root of our shame. A woman cannot make us feel shame. But conflict or challenging moment can resurface.

That shame can trigger that old wound inside us. And it will never be triggered more than in a relationship with a woman you love.

Because that love, when you fully receive it, it touches that identity that you are bad, that you're not good enough. You hit your internal ceiling. We all have some kind of internal ceiling from our childhood that says I'm only allowed to earn X amount of money.

I'm only allowed to experience and rece x amount of love, experience x amount of success, abundance, you name it. And in that moment, as men, our ceiling for love is hit and we default into shame because we feel we're not worthy of more.

So the system shuts down or we're going through a very challenging experience and we feel we can't regulate. And it feels all too much. The system shuts down shame as well. So I talked about what a woman can do in that moment, but what can a man do?

I already talked about ownership. Name it, baby. I'm feeling shame right now. Wow.

Just the ability to communicate that without rescue me, save me, no ownership, full accountability and vulnerability. That is the framework. If there is a leaking of energy in terms of fix me, save me, falling apart, then the accountability and ownership is missing.

Because then it would mean regulate me. But instead the communication should be, I'm in the process of trying to regulate myself, but right now I'm in a grip of shame.

And yes, I really encourage men to be so rooted in their truth in that moment. But you have to be very aware to really feel and sense that. Maybe I'm experiencing a lot of love right now or everything feels too much.

So I'm feeling shame inside me right now. No, needing validation. Just in that moment, owning that fully, staying connected to your breath, staying connected to your body.

Because that's what it means to face the shame fully. You first have to acknowledge and own it fully. Then once it's out in the open, you can face it fully.

The practice becomes about capacity, cultivating the capacity to be with whatever is happening in that moment without shutting down. You won't keep your heart open perfectly. And as a woman, you shouldn't expect a man to shift his state instantaneously. Perfection doesn't exist.

A man fully in the grip of shame, it's already a huge undertaking for him to even leave his heart open a little bit. But that is what it means to cultivate capacity. Not I need to get rid of, I need to have a different experience. It needs to be different.

I shouldn't be. I'm out of control, I'm bad on this.

But can I increase my capacity just a little bit more to still stay a little bit more open, to communicate, to be a little bit more emotionally available, have my heart a little bit more open. That's a really powerful framework because it's the only framework where a man will actually experience true progress. If it's all or nothing.

Either you're shameful or you're not in a State of shame. It will feel like you're never making progress. You're taking two steps forward and two and three steps back.

Exciting at first and disheartening later. I teach this in my Awakened Masculine program.

I teach you how to cultivate the capacity to be with whatever uncomfortable pain might be triggered in your relationship at work, in creating your deepest purpose or living your mission that you're meant to live in this life.

If you want to go deeper and learn the exact practical steps with a like minded group of men, visit lorincrenn.com trainings or click on the show notes or episode descriptions to receive more details about the next cohort of the Awakened Masculine program. Because that's where we go into this in a laser focused way, truly to the core of it, in order to shift that state of shame.

And it all begins by cultivating capacity just a little bit more, becoming a little bit more aware of one thing. Your breath, for instance, you can't be completely in the grip of shame. If you are aware of your breath.

Just by consciously breathing and staying in touch and staying aware of your breathing in that moment, you're already shifting the experience you have with that shame. And it really is about your relationship with that.

Because if something inside you says you cannot experience shame, then you will shut down and you will try to get rid of it. And by trying to get rid of something, you actually don't face it.

And facing it is the only way to really, the next time in a relationship or at work, this gets triggered. To journal with that, to sit with that, to stay connected to your breath, to not distract yourself when the shame seems to be flooding you.

To no longer invest your energy into the old condition pattern, but instead to create a new one. And that is, I will face myself at all times, no matter how uncomfortable the emotional experience experience may be.

And you know what that creates for women? Incredible safety.

As a woman, you will experience so much trust, so much safety, so much magnetism to a man who adopts that way of being and that way of living.

And again, as a man, if you want to learn this way, if you want to start living from this place of facing yourself at the highest level, moving through shame, moving through these conditioned responses to really be the man that deep down you feel you're destined to be or you want to be in relationships, in purpose, in work, in life, then I really invite you to apply for the next cohort of the Awakened Masculine program. It's an absolute honor to have you here. Thank you for listening to this episode. Thank you for watching this episode.

If this resonated with you, then subscribe now. So you never miss the next episode or share this episode with someone who you feel can benefit deeply from this work. It's an honor to have you here.