Understand Men Better: Why Men Get Defensive
Men have been conditioned to see life as either winning or losing, and to avoid failure at all costs. So when a woman expresses upset, a man invalidates her feelings and tells her it’s no big deal. This just pours gas on the fire.
In this episode, Lorin explores the problem of defensive behaviour in men, particularly in their intimate relationships with women. This behaviour creates a lack of safety and trust, leading to disconnection and even relationship breakdowns.
For women facing a transgression by a man, the solution is to communicate their upset by criticising the incident, and not attacking the person. For men, it’s to understand and heal the generational trauma that causes defensive behaviour, and to learn to remain grounded and non-reactive in the face of conflict.
Mentioned in this episode:
The Deep Polarity Program
An 8-week immersive journey to unlock the deepest intimacy through masculine & feminine dynamics.
The Deep Polarity Program
An 8-week immersive journey to unlock the deepest intimacy through masculine & feminine dynamics.
Transcript
Today I will share with you why men get defensive, especially in relationship with the feminine, and why so many men struggle with defensive behavior, creating distrust, a lack of safety and disconnect with the feminine, even though they do not want to show up in this way.
Lorin:This is one of the many episodes I will record about understand men better with the key focus of what lies at the root of a man being defensive in his intimate life.
Lorin:This episode will serve both men and women.
Lorin:Women will understand why men defensive in specific moments and what subtle mistakes they might be making.
Lorin:Even though you might have a pure intention, but it has the opposite effect and just puts his guard up and makes him more defensive.
Lorin:And men will learn more about their own generational trauma because this is where it origins from, the defensive behavior and how to shift that, how to break through that so that they no longer need to become defensive with the feminine all the time, but are able to be non-reactive, are able to remain grounded in their masculine core.
Lorin:Now, this is a dynamic between the masculine and the feminine, so it needs both to shift out of this dynamic, not just one.
Lorin:Usually it's both involved and both are contributing and feeding this dynamic.
Lorin:And once you shift out of this, you of course create deeper intimacy connection and polarity.
Lorin:Welcome to the Masculine and Feminine Dynamics podcast.
Lorin:My name is Loren Krenn and I am a relationship coach.
Lorin:I help you to embody your awakened masculine and awakened feminine in relationships and life.
Lorin:Let's dive in.
Lorin:To understand defensive behavior and why it is so common in men, we need to look at its origin.
Lorin:And its origin is the generational trauma of men, of the masculine.
Lorin:Now, this in itself needs a whole podcast episode to really understand in depth where it comes from, how it works, and how it impacts men in today's world, every single man, and of course, in a different way, however, it impacts every man in a certain way.
Lorin:Now, part of the generational trauma of men Is that life is all about winning or losing.
Lorin:You are either a winner or you are a failure.
Lorin:And when you fail at something, it means that you are weak.
Lorin:So men will give everything in order to not fail.
Lorin:Now, what does this have to do with relationships and defensive behavior and relationships?
Lorin:Well, actually everything, let me explain.
Lorin:Men adopt this, um, conditioning they have received as part of the gener generational trauma, and they want to now win at relationships.
Lorin:And this is where the defensiveness comes in.
Lorin:But here is the interesting thing for every man listening.
Lorin:You cannot win on your own in a relationship or as an individual in your relationship.
Lorin:You can only win together.
Lorin:And of course, defensive behavior will certainly not allow you to win and thrive together.
Lorin:So let's say a woman expresses her upset.
Lorin:A man becomes defensive and invalidates her feeling by telling her it shouldn't be such a big deal, or she shouldn't feel about that way because x, y z, which is a usual expression of generational trauma.
Lorin:Of course, this can also go in the realm of emotional manipulation, but that's not what I'm talking about.
Lorin:I'm talking about men who are stuck in a generational trauma, who are unconscious of that.
Lorin:So they're invalidating her feelings and trying to be right.
Lorin:Defensive about I am right and here is why you are wrong, and here is why all your feelings are also wrong, because x y z.
Lorin:Now here, he's trying to win.
Lorin:He's trying everything possible to avoid feeling that he's a failure, that he has failed, that he's done something wrong, that he has upset her, whatever the situation is.
Lorin:The problem is that this defensiveness and need to be right only worsens everything.
Lorin:It only adds more fire to it.
Lorin:And the truth is actually when a woman expresses upset, where it usually comes up defensiveness, and you are able to take that in as a man, you remain grounded.
Lorin:You're able to listen and to not react out of your conditioning towards her, then it's usually no big deal and you reestablish connection and it's actually an opportunity to connect deeper to make her feel safe, to make her feel seen and listened to.
Lorin:She feels like, wow, he's able to take that in so powerfully.
Lorin:That's my man.
Lorin:That's my warrior, that's my king, you know?
Lorin:But the thing is, expressing upset.
Lorin:The upset usually is not as bad as the defensiveness that follows it.
Lorin:So we men, in our generational trauma, we get so defensive and want to be right, and now we're actually not just worsening the upset, actually what the way we're showing up is even worse, most likely than the upset that she's expressing about whatever thing that is.
Lorin:Let that sink in.
Lorin:You cannot win.
Lorin:There's this saying, do you want to be right or do you want to be in a relationship or something?
Lorin:Something along those lines, right?
Lorin:And it's so, so true and especially men with very, a very strong masculine core, a very strong connection to their masculine, virtuous will struggle with that.
Lorin:I personally struggled a lot with that, and I can still notice how this defensiveness wants to creep in at times.
Lorin:No man is perfect, but I certainly have my practices and I have my way in order to then work through it as quickly as possible before it creates that disconnect and that immense tension that it used to create in the past.
Lorin:So to really understand is at a deeper level, usually a man gets defensive when a woman expresses her upset or asks for an improvement in any area, right?
Lorin:He subconsciously sees this as her saying, you have failed, you are a failure.
Lorin:All his defensive mechanisms come alive, and he wants to be right.
Lorin:He wants to be right in proving that he's not a failure.
Lorin:And now of course, by showing up in this way, he invalidates her feeling, he creates disconnect and pain for both.
Lorin:Now, of course it matters how a woman says something, but this is a very, very thin line.
Lorin:Because even when a woman expresses her upset in a loving way, It can be very difficult for men to receive it, because it immediately triggers generational trauma.
Lorin:Now, of course, still there is a difference in when a woman belittles a man or is hugely disrespectful.
Lorin:Then he can only become defensive, and this has nothing to do with an unconscious response, but it simply means he's standing his ground, he's protecting his truth.
Lorin:If you as a woman belittle a man or a huge disrespectful, then of course his guard is going to come up and he's going to protect himself and be defensive.
Lorin:This is because you are projecting your shadow, of course, onto him.
Lorin:However, it's a very thin line.
Lorin:Because, for instance, if the masculine does something which really, really upsets the feminine many, many, many times, and she ex, you have expressed this in a loving way so many times, and then boom, you say, Hey, I cannot take this anymore, this is too painful, this is happening all the time, and it's really impacting me, you might express this in a much fierce way.
Lorin:Now we need to be mindful.
Lorin:Because also for the men listening here, this can now be labeled as, oh, she's projecting her shadow onto me.
Lorin:But you need to be very discerning because this might be coming from a Oracle because it has shown up again and again and again.
Lorin:And then it becomes a fierce expression, which is naturally born through her because, she, the feminine is connected to the highest vision of what is possible in a relationship.
Lorin:And she's intuitively senses that this dynamic is keeping you both.
Lorin:From evolving.
Lorin:And if you don't do anything, even though she expresses it so many times in a loving way, then of course it's going to become fierce.
Lorin:This is a very, very gray area.
Lorin:It all depends on the context.
Lorin:You gotta trust your truth and you have to be open also to perhaps, being wrong because I certainly in the past believed the times that my woman was disrespectful, but actually she was really loving.
Lorin:But I just completely got triggered because the generational trauma was so strongly rooted inside me.
Lorin:How dare anyone points out any mistake or anything inside me.
Lorin:Now I got a fiercely.
Lorin:Protect myself, my inner my warrior archetype, going into total overdrive.
Lorin:Now, this is all about context.
Lorin:That's why I can't answer this based in your specific dynamic.
Lorin:I would have to coach you on it to really understand the subtle nuances.
Lorin:But for you listening, it's about trusting your truth.
Lorin:It's about being discerning.
Lorin:Now I would like to talk about what is the responsibility of the man and the woman in this dynamic where there is a lot of defensiveness showing up, and where perhaps the feminine is also provoking without knowing that, um, or, or activating the defensive behavior and strengthening it even more.
Lorin:Now, what can you do to shift out of this dynamic?
Lorin:I will start with the, with the feminine responsibility that is, that is usually, not always, but usually at play here.
Lorin:Now what happens to many women is that they take it personally.
Lorin:So when a man gets defensive, the woman, um, can have that sense of he's resisting me.
Lorin:He doesn't care about me, he doesn't love me.
Lorin:So very important.
Lorin:When a man gets defensive, many women perceive this as, he doesn't care about me, he doesn't love me, he's resisting me.
Lorin:But often what he's resisting is your approach of voicing it.
Lorin:Even though you might actually voice it in a very, very loving way, but he gets so triggered that he cannot see it.
Lorin:So an example here would be he goes out with his friends and he promised that he'll be back by a certain time, and you being able to have your, your evening together.
Lorin:And he doesn't come home until late in the night, and you are kind of pissed and you ask him what's going on?
Lorin:And he thought you're gonna have your evening together.
Lorin:And he, he didn't reach out to you and he says, oh God, I totally forgot, uh, had a good time with my, with my brothers, whatever, and I totally forgot about it.
Lorin:So sorry.
Lorin:In your, in your anger, for feeling neglected and not cared of, you say You are so selfish.
Lorin:And in that moment, his defensive mechanism will come majorly up.
Lorin:And he might say to you, well, but okay, maybe I was selfish here.
Lorin:What about yesterday?
Lorin:What about this thing I did?
Lorin:What about x y z?
Lorin:I, I always do this for you and this and that.
Lorin:Now, now, how can you say that I'm selfish?
Lorin:You see, men, we men, we see this in a different way.
Lorin:When I would say to a brother of mine, You are fucking selfish, or You are really selfish.
Lorin:Then, um, I'm speaking about his characteristic.
Lorin:That is, that is quite a brutal, brutal way of speaking it, where the feminine often just voices, um, in that moment how she feels.
Lorin:So for you as a woman, it's important to be mindful.
Lorin:Instead of saying, you are so selfish, I invite you to say That was very selfish of you.
Lorin:Or that action felt really selfish to me, or that action that you did or you not doing that felt like you didn't care about me.
Lorin:Boom, there is a huge difference in you never care about me in really when you did that, it, I felt like you didn't care about me, because it didn't even bother to reach out.
Lorin:It makes a huge difference.
Lorin:You can still voice your highest truth in that moment, but instead you separate the, the action from his character and you focus on the action.
Lorin:Because in that moment, especially when a man is a little bit more conscious and is working on himself, he will be much more receptive and be like, Yes, you are right, that was very selfish of me.
Lorin:What do you need from me to be clear?
Lorin:Or, I really wanna make this up and I wanna ensure that this doesn't happen again, because I care so much.
Lorin:But it doesn't matter, right?
Lorin:It all depends in the moment.
Lorin:And he gotta speak.
Lorin:He, he will have to speak from his truth and from his heart In that moment now to recreate trust and safety.
Lorin:So this is very, very important for the feminine.
Lorin:But of course, here comes the subtle nuance.
Lorin:And the subtle nuance for the feminine here is if you are too careful with how you say things, you are also going against your own oracle, because you're starting to police yourself in a way, so to speak.
Lorin:What you are doing is you're restricting yourself, because again, when he hasn't done something that he said it will do, and you said it many times in a loving way, and then you are a bit more fierce, you can now as the feminine go into overdrive in that moment, and can constantly think about how I'm gonna say this, how I'm gonna say this, no.
Lorin:You are allowed to voice also your fierce truth, your.
Lorin:Part of your medicine is to embody your oracle.
Lorin:It's just important that you're mindful of where it goes below the belt, where it becomes disrespectful and where you are starting to project your shadow onto him.
Lorin:That's kind of your practice, your practice to, to discern, okay, is this coming from my oracle?
Lorin:Boom.
Lorin:Then this is what's most likely necessary, what is necessary in that moment for him to have a wake up call that, um, something needs to change in this regard for you both to continue to evolve and to experience deeper polarity and intimacy.
Lorin:And otherwise to be mindful of where you are actually triggering and provoking his defensive mechanisms and then actually kind of adding fire to that already cycle and challenges that he experiences.
Lorin:Now for men, the most important thing in order to shift out of this dynamic is to be able to create a pattern interrupt.
Lorin:Because in that moment when you get defensive, defensiveness is reactivity.
Lorin:You are reacting to her.
Lorin:You are having an unconscious response to her.
Lorin:You are expressing conditioning.
Lorin:She does, Ah, now you need to prove yourself.
Lorin:You need to be right.
Lorin:It's the same conditioning playing out again and again and again.
Lorin:You're not conscious in this process, so you need to, you need to ensure that you regain consciousness.
Lorin:What's one of the most powerful ways to regain consciousness?
Lorin:It is to do a pattern Interrupt.
Lorin:What is a pattern?
Lorin:Interrupt what it says.
Lorin:It already, you interrupt the pattern of how the conditioning is playing out.
Lorin:Because that conditioning has a story that has a beginning and is, and, and it continues throughout it.
Lorin:So you get defensive, then, uh uh, maybe you raise your voice, then you shut the door, you go out or you shut off, or you shut down your body, whatever, you go numb.
Lorin:Whatever it is, you gotta interrupt the pattern or to break the conditioning, you know, to break the unconscious cycle.
Lorin:Now, what's one of the ways you can do this?
Lorin:Breath.
Lorin:I invite you to bring your awareness into your cock, into your balls, both feet firmly standing on the ground, visualizing roots underneath res, and opening in your soul's earth energy, feeling the ground underneath you, connecting with Mother Nature grounding.
Lorin:And in that moment also breathing all the way down into your cock and balls.
Lorin:So you can bring your awareness into your cock And from here through your nostrils, all the way down to your cock, expanding the lower belly on the inhale and bringing the navel towards the spine on the exhale, long, deep, long, but deep breaths through your nostrils, and awareness remains in your cock and balls, and both soles firmly rooted on the ground.
Lorin:By doing that, you are, you are, you are grounding yourself.
Lorin:What this creates is through the pattern interrupt, you are able to regain consciousness and then you are able to choose consciously your next action, your next, uh, words that you're going to say and how you will show up.
Lorin:This changes everything.
Lorin:You need to train yourself to listen to a woman without becoming reactive.
Lorin:As a man, one of the greatest skills you can have is to listen and hear a woman out without becoming immensely reactive and responding from your conditioning, from unconsciousness, and, and really responding consciously, remaining grounded in your power.
Lorin:The most important thing for you to remember as a man here is you can still disagree.
Lorin:You can still stand your ground and say that this is, that you don't think this is true or, or, right, or this is not how you see it, but you can do so in a loving and grounded way.
Lorin:And it will make it even more powerful, because if you set boundaries for defensive behavior, Which is another topic, but that will never be powerful because it will make her feel really unsafe.
Lorin:So at the end of the day, if you can remain grounded, if you can remain non-reactive, then everything you want to voice, even if it's a boundary or that you disagree, will be much, much infinitely more powerful.
Lorin:And remember, no one wins in an argument.
Lorin:There is no winner, there is no loser.
Lorin:The only way you can win in relationships is by winning together, is by ensuring that you deepen the trust and safety with the feminine.
Lorin:Defensive behavior and reactivity, unconscious conditioning, responding to her, um, invalidating her feelings, needing to be right, is definitely not the way in order to win.
Lorin:It's the opposite.
Lorin:It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, so to speak.
Lorin:So essentially here, women need to understand why men struggle from this.
Lorin:Understand that this is not about them, but it's about men intergenerational trauma.
Lorin:This way, the feminine can support the masculine much better.
Lorin:Support does not mean that you can heal it for him.
Lorin:You as a man have to work on this yourself.
Lorin:But the acknowledgement, understanding of the feminine, the shift in tonality and change of words, of separating the action from the character and all these little subtle things make a huge difference if a man is conscious and if a man is choosing this sacred path of growth.
Lorin:If he doesn't, then it won't make any difference because he's trapped in that unconscious conditioning in the generational trauma.
Lorin:And, and of course you as a man, you have to understand that by being defensive, you're creating the opposite effects.
Lorin:By trying to be right, you're pushing her away, you're invalidating her feelings, and that is going to create distrust and unsafe for her and not allowing you to experience what you want to experience.
Lorin:At the end of the day, deep healing happens when a woman can share freely her upsets, and hopefully she does so in a conscious way, or it comes from her oracle and not from her shadow.
Lorin:And her man remains grounded and doesn't become reactive, and can respond to everything in a conscious way.
Lorin:Even if he disagrees, he can do so in a conscious, grounded, and loving way.
Lorin:And this is a different form of self-mastery.
Lorin:This is a incredible form of self-mastery.
Lorin:It takes a lot of practice, but then again, if you can do this two out of 10 times, that's already much better than for most people because most men just get defensive, shut down, and that's it.
Lorin:And there's this same pattern playing out again and again.
Lorin:Eating away the trust and safety, destroying the polarity, boom, and either you stay, stay together as brother and sister.
Lorin:No polarity, no intimacy, or they Split up because it's too painful for both involved.
Lorin:So two out of 10, and then the more you work on it, it will become less and less and less until it's no longer the norm that you become defensive, but it's a rarity.
Lorin:And, and especially a woman who is awakened or awakening and she understands this about you, um, po, there's a, there's a, that's a huge game changer already because even if you get defensive for a moment, but then you apologize, you take responsibility, you make her aware that you are seeing what is going on, that goes a long way because the awaken feminine knows that you're not perfect and your ability to see through this and recreate trust and safety and intimacy, that is true gold.
Lorin:At the end of the day.
Lorin:That makes all the difference.
Lorin:Now, of course there is much more to share on the subject, but it was my intention to bring this to you as practically and clear and with many examples as possible.
Lorin:If you have enjoyed these episodes, then it would mean the world to me.
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Lorin:And of course if you share this on your social medias, if you share this with a friend or other people, then this way you're also doing something huge because this way we're reaching people we might normally not reach unless it comes through you.
Lorin:So thank you so much for being here.
Lorin:Thank you for listening to the end.
Lorin:The fact that you are listening to this as a woman or as a man, you're hearing this, you're looking at what is my responsibility, what is my, what is my work here to do means that you are doing amazing work.
Lorin:It means that you are truly, truly committed.
Lorin:Because this is different than just going on Instagram and looking at a post.
Lorin:This is listening to an in-depth podcast episode and really looking at, okay, how can I understand the masculine or the feminine or myself better?
Lorin:Yeah, it's just amazing.
Lorin:So thank you so much for doing this work.
