The 2 Biggest Challenges Facing Man Today
Men in today's world aren’t properly initiated into manhood, so they never meaningfully pass the threshold from boy to man. What’s more, loneliness keeps them from fully realising their potential as strong people who can learn from, and teach others.
Men need to find ways to connect with masculine energy, seek role models, set boundaries with their mothers, and prioritise their closest relationships. If they don't, they’ll find it harder to fully embody their masculine power and access their highest potential.
This episode offers practical tips to help men address these challenges and take the necessary steps in their spiritual journey to overcome them. And it will help women understand the challenges experienced by the man in their life.
Mentioned in this episode:
The Deep Polarity Program
An 8-week immersive journey to unlock the deepest intimacy through masculine & feminine dynamics.
Transcript
Have you ever felt really hands-off with someone when they've given you a no, and
Speaker:all that goes through your mind as well.
Speaker:I don't get to say no, how come you do?
Speaker:And then we end up saying that someone is flaky or they're
Speaker:acting a little bit entitled, or we even call them a snowflake.
Speaker:And we end up almost feeling bullied by somebody else's boundaries.
Speaker:And we start to tell ourselves all these stories that it's just not fair.
Speaker:I don't get to do that.
Speaker:Why do they?
Speaker:It's just because I'm the boss.
Speaker:If only I had that luxury of being able to say no, or set some boundaries,
Speaker:And I was talking at a conference the other week, and I had
Speaker:this question from the floor.
Speaker:And the question was Why is it that I can't say no to others, yet I
Speaker:have to put up with other people saying no to me all the time.
Speaker:How does that work?
Speaker:And I've been thinking about this and I've realized that I can get really upset
Speaker:with other people's boundaries, and in the past, I think I've thought that the
Speaker:reason I've been upset and angry by it is that they have been unreasonable, that
Speaker:other person has done something that is unreasonable and caused me to be angry.
Speaker:I thought that I felt upset because that person was wrong, or angry
Speaker:because that was my needs and they are treading all over it and just
Speaker:being unfair and unreasonable.
Speaker:And we all know that when we don't get what we want, we become angry
Speaker:and then we can end up getting really insulting, and even if we don't say
Speaker:it out loud with things to ourselves They say flaky or there's such a
Speaker:snowflake or why can't they cope?
Speaker:And we may go into guilt mode then and feel like, well, I've got to just
Speaker:leave everything now I've got to rescue everybody else because that person has
Speaker:set their boundaries up, and it can make us feel incredibly frustrated.
Speaker:This is a You Are Not a Frog quick dip, a tiny taster of the kinds of things we
Speaker:talk about on our full podcast episodes.
Speaker:I've chosen today's topic to give you a helpful boost in the time it
Speaker:takes to have a cup of tea, so you can return to whatever else you're up
Speaker:to feeling, energized, and inspired.
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Speaker:forget to subscribe to You Are Not a Frog wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker:Now I was listening to a talk by Brene Brown recently.
Speaker:And she said something that stopped me in my tracks.
Speaker:And in fact, when I looked at her book, the Atlas of the Heart, which I would
Speaker:highly recommend to everybody, in the book she says that when she first heard
Speaker:this, it stopped her in her tracks too.
Speaker:Because in Atlas of the heart.
Speaker:Brene Brown talks about all the different emotions that we feel.
Speaker:And she groups them into different classes of emotion.
Speaker:Now when somebody sets boundaries with me, one of the foremost emotions.
Speaker:I feel is resentment.
Speaker:And Brene Brown talks about resentment.
Speaker:She says, it's an old friend she's known resentment and bitterness all her life.
Speaker:But recently she found out that resentment, rather than belonging to
Speaker:the anger category of emotions, actually belongs to the envy category affirmations.
Speaker:Now that brings it into an whole other ballpark.
Speaker:Because the emotion of envy is incredibly different from one of anger.
Speaker:Anger is when someone has traipsed on our boundaries when
Speaker:our needs aren't being met.
Speaker:But envy.
Speaker:Is when somebody else has something that we want.
Speaker:It doesn't mean that somebody else has done something to us.
Speaker:It means that we have an emotion that we want what they want.
Speaker:And side note, they described jealousy as the emotion you feel when you're
Speaker:in a threesome and someone else has something from someone else that you want
Speaker:and you're pushed out because of that.
Speaker:Now envy can make us feel hostile.
Speaker:It can make us feel angry and irritated, but it has a very different route.
Speaker:And what envy can do is show us what we wish we had.
Speaker:So when I'm envious, when someone says no to me, I'm envious
Speaker:that I can't say no to them.
Speaker:When someone puts up a boundary and says, I'm sorry.
Speaker:I can't do that particular thing you've asked me to do I feel envious
Speaker:because I feel that I can't say no to that particular thing as well.
Speaker:So then the problem is not all about them.
Speaker:It's actually all about me.
Speaker:And Brene Brown puts it so well in the book.
Speaker:She says she had thought processes a bit like this.
Speaker:I'm not mad 'cause you're resting.
Speaker:I'm mad because I'm so bones hide and I wants arrest.
Speaker:But unlike you, I'm going to pretend that I don't need to.
Speaker:Or I'm not furious that you're okay with something that's
Speaker:really good and imperfect.
Speaker:I'm furious because I wants to be okay with something that's
Speaker:really good and in perfect.
Speaker:And this line: your lack of work is not making me resentful.
Speaker:My lack of rest is making me resentful.
Speaker:You see if we take our anger about someone else's boundaries, and we realize that
Speaker:anger is coming from resentment, we start to look at ourselves and we can start say
Speaker:What is this showing me about what I need?
Speaker:What do I wish I was able to do?
Speaker:And what happens, it then points to a need that I have.
Speaker:And a need that I need to meet.
Speaker:Not other people.
Speaker:And it points to something that rather than someone else doing
Speaker:for me, I need to do for myself.
Speaker:Now there will be many, many situations where people listening to
Speaker:this podcast are the boss, and the buck does stop with them, and they
Speaker:are going to have to do something.
Speaker:If someone else says no.
Speaker:And they feel that they don't have any choice.
Speaker:Side note, we always have a choice, but you have probably decided that
Speaker:the consequences of not doing it.
Speaker:And not something that you want to live with, or you feel
Speaker:professionally that you can do.
Speaker:But I would just ask you when you do feel resentful that other
Speaker:people can set boundaries and not you, what is that underlying need?
Speaker:And even if in that situation, you have to go ahead and do that, what
Speaker:is there that's the next best thing?
Speaker:What else do you, could you do to meet that need that you've got?
Speaker:You see, I don't think we're very good at recognizing our needs, particularly,
Speaker:not as healthcare professionals.
Speaker:We're so used to expecting other people's needs to come first, to
Speaker:meeting other people's needs, that sometimes we've actually forgotten what
Speaker:it is that we need in the first place.
Speaker:But envy can show us what we wish we had, and recognizing when we're
Speaker:feeling envious is a great way of showing us what we really want.
Speaker:And if we can't recognize envy, then maybe we can start to recognize resentment
Speaker:and resentment that points towards envy.
Speaker:' Cause I don't know about you, but all my life, I felt quite
Speaker:resentful about quite a few things.
Speaker:About the fact that I was stuck at home.
Speaker:A lot of the time with the kids and I can go and travel.
Speaker:I was resentful about the fact that I had to bear the brunt of the childcare, when
Speaker:actually, instead of asking for what I needed, I played the victim and actually
Speaker:didn't do anything about it myself.
Speaker:And I wonder if any of you have had any of these phrases go through your head ever.
Speaker:Things like Well, I don't get to say no.
Speaker:Or Well, I don't get to take time off work.
Speaker:I can't just leave on time.
Speaker:I don't get to shut down my laptop at six o'clock and forget about my
Speaker:emails for the rest of the evening.
Speaker:So by recognizing resentfulness as envy rather than anger because we've been
Speaker:wrongs against, we can start to turn our questions from What have they done to me?
Speaker:To what is it that I'm not asking for?
Speaker:The question says from what is that person doing wrong?
Speaker:What do they need to do?
Speaker:To what I need to ask for, for myself?
Speaker:To what do I need, but I'm afraid to ask for?
Speaker:So when you recognize this, here's a couple of questions that might help.
Speaker:Firstly ask What is it that I am envious about?
Speaker:Is it I am envious that they can set a boundary?
Speaker:Is it that I'm envious that they can say no?
Speaker:Is it that I'm envious that they could bring that thing up with
Speaker:me that they're able to have that conversation whereas I'm not?
Speaker:Am I envious that they don't feel the need to rescue everybody?
Speaker:That they don't feel the need to take on all this responsibility?
Speaker:Once I can pinpoint that, then I can start to see what the underlying need is for me.
Speaker:And you can ask yourself, Well, what actually is that need?
Speaker:Is it for food, rest connection, those basic wellbeing factors?
Speaker:Is it that I want someone to look out for me rather than me
Speaker:looking out for everybody else?
Speaker:Is it that I need to lend to negotiate better?
Speaker:Maybe it's that I want better working conditions.
Speaker:I want a fair workload for myself.
Speaker:Once you've recognized what need there is, you could go deeper and
Speaker:think to yourself, Actually, what is stopping me from meeting this need?
Speaker:And here we can go as deep as you want, but I think we'll end up
Speaker:back with our old friend shame.
Speaker:Is it that I can never admit weakness?
Speaker:Is it that I can never admit that I'm not coping or I feel ashamed that I'm not
Speaker:coping because I think I should always be able to tip it all because doctor is
Speaker:always there and never has any needs?
Speaker:Is it that I feel ashamed saying no.
Speaker:And causing someone else an inconvenience?
Speaker:Or that I feel guilty.
Speaker:And I'm worried that people will think I'm dumping on them and not
Speaker:taking my own share of responsibility?
Speaker:Is it that I'm frightened, anxious about what might happen if I don't
Speaker:step up and ignore all of my needs?
Speaker:So there's old friends or fear of shame and guilt raised the ugly head,
Speaker:and are often behind us not being able to ask for what we need, and
Speaker:not being able to meet our own needs.
Speaker:Now I know that we're all working in a very complex, very stressed,
Speaker:very difficult system, and sometimes we just look at the bare facts and
Speaker:think It's actually going to be very, very difficult to meet our needs.
Speaker:And if you're in a situation where there's just not enough resources, not
Speaker:enough people, not enough time, so you feel that you have no option, I'd like
Speaker:you to ask yourself this question.
Speaker:If I could wave a magic wand, this would all be fixed.
Speaker:What would be happening?
Speaker:And this is a really helpful coaching question, because what it does,
Speaker:it just removes all those barriers that we have, all those things that
Speaker:get in the way like, Well, I could never afford that, or I haven't got
Speaker:enough time or there's no people.
Speaker:You know, if you had all the money in the world, All the time in the world.
Speaker:Enough stuff, what would be happening?
Speaker:And you will come out with some very unrealistic things that will never happen.
Speaker:But I have noticed that when I've asked myself this question, there was
Speaker:some things I said, well, if I wasted magic on this would be happening
Speaker:that actually I could make happen now with just a little bit of ingenuity
Speaker:and resourcefulness on my part.
Speaker:You know, for example, if I could wave a magic wand, I would have a
Speaker:magic housekeeper who would be doing all the housework, doing all the
Speaker:cooking, meeting all of our needs and cooking amazingly delicious food.
Speaker:Now.
Speaker:I can't afford that.
Speaker:I don't even know where to start looking.
Speaker:But I could start upping the hours that my cleaner works, and I could
Speaker:start ordering more food boxes so there are some really nice food,
Speaker:just there, ready for me to eat.
Speaker:So what ways can you get as close as you can, to that magic idea
Speaker:where your wand has been waved and you've got everything that you need?
Speaker:What could you put in place now that would really help?
Speaker:And then finally, I would ask you, how can you express that need
Speaker:and ask for that need to be met?
Speaker:Many of us worry about looking weak or upsetting people if we even express our
Speaker:needs, but there are ways to do this.
Speaker:Just saying, you know, I have this need.
Speaker:I am feeding like this, in a non accusational way.
Speaker:Not because you've done this, I'm feeling like this, but phrasing it
Speaker:as, this is how I'm feeling right now, this is what I think I need, and if you
Speaker:want, so you can even say, you know, and I've got these stories in my head.
Speaker:It's telling me that I shouldn't do this, that I should always do this.
Speaker:And I guarantee that people will start to listen to you, they will
Speaker:start to notice and you know, what?
Speaker:They'll come up with some suggestions.
Speaker:The other day, somebody dropped out from something they had committed
Speaker:to doing, through no fault of their own, through some family illness.
Speaker:I automatically assumed it was something that I had to say and I had to cover.
Speaker:And I was starting to feel quite resentful about it and a little bit hard done by,
Speaker:and I was really going into victim mode.
Speaker:Um, luckily I managed to speak to someone about it.
Speaker:And they just said, Well, that's ridiculous, we'll
Speaker:get that person to do it.
Speaker:And I'll ask somebody else who I thought we could possibly ask, because that was
Speaker:unreasonable and it was not a big deal.
Speaker:But for some reason, stories of guilt, stories of, Well, I ought
Speaker:to, um, the buck stops with me, were going round my head and it stopped
Speaker:me from asking for what I need.
Speaker:So just because you can't see a solution to an issue, it doesn't mean you
Speaker:can't express what you need, because oftentimes other people can say solution.
Speaker:And they may well volunteer to help out in places where you would never
Speaker:have expected them to do that.
Speaker:We often assume that someone else can't do something or it's going to put someone
Speaker:out, but unless we ask and let's express what we need, we're never going to know.
Speaker:So next time somebody sets the boundary or says no to you or sets some limits
Speaker:on their time or their attention, instead of thinking it's something that
Speaker:they've done wrong to you that they need to change, start looking at it.
Speaker:Start recognizing that feeling you get is resentment, which
Speaker:points towards an unmet need.
Speaker:Something that you're envious of.
Speaker:Start to delve a little bit deeper.
Speaker:Think What is that need that I'm not expressing?
Speaker:How can I identify that need?
Speaker:What's stopping me expressing it?
Speaker:And what could I do now to try and meet that need, even if it's not in
Speaker:the most, a hundred percent ideal way, what is the next best thing?
Speaker:Now, please start expressing your needs, setting your own boundaries.
Speaker:Because the more you can set your own boundaries.
Speaker:And express your needs.
Speaker:The less resentful you'll be when other people do it to you.
