Spirituality and the Commitment Wound
Commitment in a relationship is a crucial part of spiritual growth and evolution. But using spirituality as a way to avoid commitment is a coping mechanism that masks a deeper wound. Fully committing means committing to one's own evolution and facing any shadow, pattern, or wound that arises within oneself.
In this episode, Lorin shares his own personal story of commitment, and offers some practical examples of where spirituality offers an escape from commitment.
Join Lorin's workshop – Healing the Commitment Wound
This is a two-and-a-half hour workshop which takes place on June 18, 2023. Book your place now.
Transcript
Today I'm going to talk about how we spiritually bypass commitment in relationships, how spirituality is often used to avoid commitment, to mask a wound around commitment.
Lorin:I'm going to give very practical examples.
Lorin:I'm going to go deep and it might be challenging to hear some of the things I will share with you today.
Lorin:Because you might identify yourself with these things.
Lorin:You might be showing up in this way without previously being aware of it.
Lorin:I invite you to listen with an open heart.
Lorin:All of this comes from a place of love, from a place that is shame and guilt free.
Lorin:My name is Lorin Krenn, and I am the host of this podcast.
Lorin:My mission is to help you experience deep intimacy through the power of masculine and feminine polarity.
Lorin:I want to start today's episode with a personal story of my own relationship with my wife, Liliana.
Lorin:When I fully committed to Liliana, this was at the beginning of our relationship, shortly after we have met, everything changed in my life, and it also completely changed my perspective around commitment.
Lorin:I always knew that I wanted a deeply committed relationship, where we would go to the deepest level possible.
Lorin:However, I never really understood the spiritual meaning of being fully committed in a relationship, and how much breakthroughs and shifts and, and freedom that would bring into my life, how much more that would open my heart and allow me to truly embody my authentic core.
Lorin:I wasn't aware how much my life would change after the act of fully committing to to Liliana, who is now my wonderful wife.
Lorin:And I still remember at the beginning when we met, I heard that voice inside my head.
Lorin:And that voice said to me, Whatever you do, wherever you go, go with her and do it with her.
Lorin:Your path is with her.
Lorin:And I remember I heard that voice, um, in my body, in my head.
Lorin:It was very difficult to explain exactly how I received it.
Lorin:But I remember that day, I was going to Liliana's place back at that time when we met, and I remember when I was walking towards her, every step closer to walking towards her, I felt more love.
Lorin:I felt such a surge of energy moving through me.
Lorin:I even experienced altered states of consciousness.
Lorin:I experienced a state of being that was beyond anything or any spiritual awakening I had before, or.
Lorin:I had profound experiences before in.
Lorin:breathwork sessions and other spiritual awakenings, but nothing would come close to the experience and the act of fully devoting and committing my heart to Liliana.
Lorin:And I remember every step I took, it was just time stopped.
Lorin:And I would feel this immense presence of, of love inside me.
Lorin:And then I, I saw her and she was smiling and I spoke the words I I, something along the lines of I commit my entire heart to this relationship, to you, to our union, and, and until I take my last breath.
Lorin:And as I said these words there, it was just, we embraced, we kissed, and it was just, it was so, everything in my body, everything in my spirit told me, this is where you need to be.
Lorin:This is what you need to do.
Lorin:I, it was this incredible, uh, both a dejavu, both synchronicity and a feeling of immense power.
Lorin:Of purpose.
Lorin:Of mission.
Lorin:Of strength, spiritual strength, and, and all on every other strength.
Lorin:Again, as you can see, it is not easy to describe in words what happened that day, but since that day, something changed inside me, the way I show up in the world, and of course, also, In my relationship.
Lorin:Because I realized that fully committing in a relationship is not just saying the words right?
Lorin:It's the whole energy behind it.
Lorin:Fully committing to someone.
Lorin:Wow.
Lorin:What does it mean?
Lorin:It means that you simultaneously commit yourself to your highest evolution.
Lorin:Because you cannot say, I commit myself fully to this union, to our relationship without actually saying, I commit myself fully to facing any shadow, any pattern, any wound that arises within me that stands in the way between our love.
Lorin:That stands in the way between the highest and purest expression of my love.
Lorin:So this is already where it kind of starts with a, with a, with a wound, um, of commitment.
Lorin:It is that at a deeper level, we know that when we commit ourselves fully to a, to a relationship, we're also committing ourselves fully to our own shadow work, to our own spiritual evolution, to our healing work, and to essentially deepest work.
Lorin:And we're also holding ourselves accountable.
Lorin:There comes this accountability piece into it that is not there when you are not fully committed in a relationship.
Lorin:Because the relationship gives you that mirror, that sacred mirror of showing you, mm, You are not fully committed, you are not bringing your full heart, you're not bringing your full devotion.
Lorin:And if you are not fully committed or you're not in a relationship right, then it's kind of then you don't receive that feedback.
Lorin:You don't receive that mirror.
Lorin:That constant mirror and feedback that a conscious relationship gives us.
Lorin:And that's why I see this as the highest spiritual path, at least for me, is through union, is through sacred union.
Lorin:And you see, I also like to say that the most awakened individuals are also the most committed in the relationship.
Lorin:And obviously I'm talking about being committed to the right person.
Lorin:I'm not referring to just committing for the sake of.
Lorin:I'm referring to being committed to the right person, right?
Lorin:But I always like to say the most awakened individuals are also usually the most committed.
Lorin:And, and this is a way of how we usually don't view spirituality.
Lorin:Spirituality and commitment in relationships don't really get connected.
Lorin:And sometimes we have an idea of, you know, this person meditates for so long and all of that.
Lorin:And, and I meditate.
Lorin:I do breathwork.
Lorin:I do yoga every single day with my wife.
Lorin:It's our daily spiritual practice.
Lorin:But still, that's not how I would define someone's level of spirituality.
Lorin:Because someone can do all these things.
Lorin:But then not be able to fully commit in a relationship, which essentially means they're not fully committing to their own evolution.
Lorin:And this is very, very hard to hear, right?
Lorin:Also, commitment in a relationship matures us incredibly because there is that accountability piece in it.
Lorin:It holds us accountable.
Lorin:It says, boom, you're not showing up with an open heart.
Lorin:You're not fully devoted.
Lorin:You are with one foot in, with one foot out your, um, leaking energy in other places.
Lorin:It, it just gives you that accountability.
Lorin:It shows you again and again when you are not bringing your full energy and your full heart and your full presence and awareness to your relationship.
Lorin:Also, it matures you because it requires you to stop seeking validation in flirting, in jumping from one relationship to the other, right?
Lorin:This is a huge one because many of us use validation for flirting, jumping from one relation to the other.
Lorin:Hookup culture, right?
Lorin:As a sense of gaining validation, as a sense of receiving love, right?
Lorin:And in, in a committed relationship, we have that accountability piece that there will be days where we might feel unworthy.
Lorin:There will be days where, not because of the relationship, but just because we go through our own experience, or our wounds are being triggered through our, our, our union.
Lorin:And then we can't just go and flirt with someone or jump in and text with someone or whatever, right?
Lorin:It could be people doing sexting, right?
Lorin:It could be obsessively watching porn secretly and not sharing with your partner.
Lorin:It could be leaking energy with, with other women or with other men, depending on who is listening right now.
Lorin:And in a committed sacred union, it's just not what you do.
Lorin:It's a no-go.
Lorin:We're not doing that, because we want to keep the sacredness of the connection.
Lorin:And that is my path of commitment.
Lorin:That's how I have experienced the deepest sacredness, and that's how I've taught others who have also experienced the deepest sacredness and intimacy and, and love in their relationship and, and in their life.
Lorin:And it's just that incredible maturity we receive from full commitment in a relationship.
Lorin:And it's, it's, it's just, it's incredible.
Lorin:It's, it's, it's so linked.
Lorin:It's almost one and the same with our spiritual journey.
Lorin:And here is where the spiritual bypassing comes in, and why we often use spirituality because there is often a lack of understanding in spirituality that actually commitment is a huge part of, of being spiritually awakened and healed.
Lorin:A gigantic part.
Lorin:And a wound around commitment is incredibly common and seems to be increasing in today's world more and more.
Lorin:And this makes perfect sense.
Lorin:The proliferation of dating apps, hookup culture, the ability to form new, emotional, intimate connections within seconds provides enormous distractions.
Lorin:I mean, it's possible within seconds, like I've just shared before, to distract yourself.
Lorin:It's possible within seconds to, for people to hook, hook up with someone.
Lorin:It's possible within seconds to form some of emotional, intimate connection through a dating app or whatever.
Lorin:And that can serve as a way to avoid deeper pain.
Lorin:As a way to avoid doing the deep work.
Lorin:And you see many who have a wound around commitments, they use these things as a way of coping with their pain, with their unworthiness, with their trauma, with their wounds.
Lorin:And then some of you might ask, yeah, but why not?
Lorin:Why not be a hedonist and just, uh, enjoy endless connection?
Lorin:Jump, ah, from one relationship to the other.
Lorin:One more hookup and pleasure and intimacy and all day pleasure, pleasure, pleasure.
Lorin:Why?
Lorin:Because it's the path of emptiness.
Lorin:And I'm not saying that because, uh, that's my opinion about it.
Lorin:I'm saying this because anyone who has lived that life feels incredibly empty.
Lorin:Anyone who lives a life of jumping from one relationship to the other might say, Oh that's, that's freedom and that's their path.
Lorin:But they feel incredibly empty.
Lorin:Because at the end of the day, you are a slave to your sexual urges, to your primal instincts.
Lorin:You are just seeking endless validation without coming to a place where you can give that to yourself and enter deep and powerful union that is not based on dependency, but based on two individuals who come from a place of wholeness and celebrate and amplify their wholeness and are essentially in deepest service to this world.
Lorin:As you can see, I'm so passionate when I talk about this.
Lorin:I've worked with so many people, groups all over the world.
Lorin:I've yet to meet someone who enjoys that lifestyle, who is truly fulfilled and able to bring their soul's deepest truth, embody their deepest truth through that way of living.
Lorin:I've yet to see it.
Lorin:I have not had one example.
Lorin:And also, everything points to that in, in really deep ancient spiritual teachings that the path of pleasure, endless pleasure is the path of suffering.
Lorin:The path of true freedom and true deep pleasure is the path of commitment, because it's the highest spiritual path eventually if you go deeper into it.
Lorin:And spirituality provides a perfect escape from commitment in a relationship.
Lorin:The shadow loves to use teachings to fit its own agenda, right?
Lorin:That the shadow loves to use spirituality to avoid a fear or a wound around commitment.
Lorin:So let's, let's use some practical examples.
Lorin:here I am a free spirit.
Lorin:I don't settle.
Lorin:This might, this will be often used by someone as a way of creating a story unconsciously to mask a wound around commitment.
Lorin:Labeling ourselves as a free spirit who just doesn't settle.
Lorin:Committing to a deep union is the opposite of settling.
Lorin:It is the act of moving into the deepest, deepest healing and soul work humanly possible through the mirror and accountability and constant feedback that the relationship container, or the energy of, of, of the, the dynamics give you in the relationship.
Lorin:So this can be used as a story around it, right?
Lorin:I'm a free spirit.
Lorin:Um, also another one is let's live in the moment and not define our relationship.
Lorin:That points to something.
Lorin:Let's live in the moment and not define our relationship.
Lorin:Huge spiritual teachings of presence and living in the moment are being confused with, um, not being clear, not stating our true hearts desire and, and the vision, what we want to create, right?
Lorin:You can give yourselves time.
Lorin:That's a whole different story.
Lorin:It's all about context.
Lorin:I'm not saying you need to have one date and then commit yourself for eternity to the person.
Lorin:That's not what I'm saying.
Lorin:Give yourself that time.
Lorin:But if after months and months you still say, let's live in a moment and not define our relationship and just see what happens, then basically you have no relationship.
Lorin:There is no fundamental, there is no vision, there is no deeper depth there.
Lorin:It's just a going with the flow and whatever that's supposed to mean.
Lorin:That's a story we create, or we use virtual teachings here as a way of masking commitments.
Lorin:By the way, none of this is done unconsciously, right?
Lorin:This happens at an unconscious level.
Lorin:It's a coping mechanism to cope with a deeper form of pain that we are essentially deep down, not aware of or afraid to face.
Lorin:Another one is it's normal to flirt, to exchange sexual energy with others.
Lorin:It is healthy and doesn't mean anything.
Lorin:Now again, I'm not here to tell you what is the right path.
Lorin:I'm not here to tell you this is right, this is wrong, and this is, uh, whatever.
Lorin:But from my understanding, from the way I live and from the way I've worked with so many people all over the world, exchanging sexual energy, whether it's for connection, secrecy, or just flirting around is not a way of honoring a relationship.
Lorin:It just takes the sacredness of the bond away and, and opens and kind of confuses things.
Lorin:And, and people who do that, they, they cannot really show up with full heart in their relationship because their energy is scattered in all kinds of other places, distracted by that.
Lorin:And also to say it doesn't mean anything.
Lorin:It's, it's, it's of course a wonderful way of avoiding that.
Lorin:Perhaps we seek that validation through excessive flirting and texting, whatever it is, right?
Lorin:Another one is monogamy doesn't work because divorce rates are so high.
Lorin:This doesn't make any sense at all because usually people who live the longest are usually in happy, thriving, monogamous relationships, right?
Lorin:And there are many other reasons that point to this.
Lorin:Just, just to say monogamy doesn't work because divorce rates are so high.
Lorin:Is, is a very easy way to kind of bypass commitment.
Lorin:Just because when we don't know how to use something, it's not going to work, right?
Lorin:You can give someone a spiritual teaching, but if they don't know how to apply it, no changes will happen.
Lorin:Same here.
Lorin:If you don't show someone the importance of deep commitment, how to deepen intimacy, how to deepen connection in a relationship on an ongoing basis, well, it's not going to work.
Lorin:You can't just tell someone, yeah, here, relationship, just do whatever.
Lorin:It's not going to work.
Lorin:So the reason why divorce rates are so high is because people don't know what to do in relationships.
Lorin:They don't know that relationships require work, require effort, require a constant and ever deepening of intimacy, of polarity, of working through wounds, require us to engage in our own spiritual and healing evolution at the highest level.
Lorin:Because if we are not evolving, then the relationship will be stuck because the relationship is a mirror of our internal world, and internal evolution.
Lorin:So all of these things are perfect ways to kind of avoid, and spiritual stories to avoid a deeper sense of committing fully, avoid a, a wound around commitment.
Lorin:And again, there is no judgment here.
Lorin:I'm not saying this is bad and shame on you.
Lorin:I'm just pointing towards what I have seen again and again and again and again.
Lorin:As you can see, the shadow can sneak in easily here and create some spiritual story to avoid commitment.
Lorin:All of this is a mask to cope with the pain of not being able to commit fully.
Lorin:Because in most cases, committing fully is confused with losing one's freedom.
Lorin:Now how did that come?
Lorin:Usually for our childhood experience?
Lorin:So for instance, when our parents went through divorce, split up at some point or our parents stayed together, but were, IT relationship was incredibly dysfunctional and they were incredibly unhappy, right?
Lorin:Any negative experiences in past relationships, all of these can lead to a wound around commitment because there is now a fear that we lose our freedom.
Lorin:Perhaps we have seen our mother or father who didn't, who wasn't free, or we were in a relationship where our freedom was taken from us because the person was incredibly controlling and manipulative.
Lorin:And, and now our subconscious associates commitment and relationship with a prison, with, with constriction, with not being able to express ourselves fully.
Lorin:But I I say it's the opposite in a fully devoted and, and sacred and healthy and conscious relationship.
Lorin:Our freedom just blossoms in that.
Lorin:Because our truth comes through more and more because naturally through the dynamics and the mirror of the relationship, we are evolving and evolving, because we're constantly being shown what lies in between going deeper.
Lorin:And what, what prevents us from going deeper in the relationship is also what prevents us from going deeper in our spiritual awakening, in our healing journey.
Lorin:It's one and the same.
Lorin:So now understanding this, that we use spirituality as a way of avoiding a wound around commitment, essentially, what are we avoiding?
Lorin:We're avoiding a deeper pain, uh, a sense of unworthiness, uh, deeper pain that is very challenging to, to confront ourselves with, right?
Lorin:So what is the first step here around healing and working through that?
Lorin:The first step is to identify the stories you use to avoid it.
Lorin:To identify any coping mechanisms, because these coping mechanisms tend to be, are very unique to each person.
Lorin:Uh, the coping mechanisms that our way of coping so you don't have to feel the underlying pain.
Lorin:You cannot heal it if you are creating a spiritual or any other story around it, and are bypassing it, right?
Lorin:You need to confront yourself with that and acknowledge it.
Lorin:Not, oh, I'm so worthless.
Lorin:I've got a wound around commitment.
Lorin:But you need to bring it into the open.
Lorin:You need to bring it into the lights.
Lorin:There can be no more hiding of this.
Lorin:There needs to be a very clear confrontation and then radical honesty with yourself.
Lorin:Okay, there is some form of wound here that is preventing me from experiencing the intimacy that deep down I actually want to experience.
Lorin:Now, the second step is to identify how this wound unconsciously or subconsciously sabotages your intimate life.
Lorin:Because the commitment wound expresses itself in so many subtle ways, right?
Lorin:I'm gonna give some examples here, but I will go very, very in depth in this, in my upcoming workshop, Healing the Commitment Wound on the 18th of June.
Lorin:And there will, I will also go into the healing modalities and we'll do a deep embodiment practice and exactly step by step how you can heal this wound.
Lorin:It's, it's linked in the show notes, the workshop, and also you can find it on my website, lorinkrenn.com.
Lorin:But to mention some of the examples here.
Lorin:When someone touches your heart deeply, you immediately find excuses why it won't work out, right?
Lorin:So when someone touches your heart very deeply, there immediately some form of excuse.
Lorin:Oh it's not going to work out because x, Y and Z.
Lorin:Or you are always with one foot in and one foot out of the relationship there.
Lorin:It's like you need to control some form of freedom and independence in your life, which doesn't allow you to go all in to the, to the, to the relationship, and to really bring your full heart to the relationship.
Lorin:Another one is you suffer from negative thought cycles that create immense internal resistance, that lead you to shut down, to even get into a state of total panic, right?
Lorin:So you have certain thoughts.
Lorin:That get triggered and then it leads to this negative thought spiral, which also often leads to a shame spiral because you are having these thoughts and all of these makes you feel incredibly anxious, your body doesn't know what's going on, and, and, and goes into a total shutdown, and, and, and that's then sabotaging your intimate life because you don't know what's going on.
Lorin:Your partner or, or person you are dating with doesn't know what's going on.
Lorin:And it just creates that, um, that disconnect between the two of you, and that lack of safety and trust, and also that deeper level our nervous systems are always communicating with one another and what our, what your nervous system essentially is communicating here to the other nervous system is this is not safe, this connection.
Lorin:So the other nervous system will try, will tell them to protect themselves, right?
Lorin:Them or, or signal this is unsafe.
Lorin:However it express itself for you, it's important that you find the unique triggers.
Lorin:It's an, that's an assignment I want to give you here.
Lorin:What are the unique triggers?
Lorin:Where does this get activated?
Lorin:Try to find it from the most subtle to the most common ways.
Lorin:And again, some subtle expressions are extreme difficult to point, right?
Lorin:And, and, and, and then when you find them and identify them, that is then where you need to stop feeding it.
Lorin:You need to stop feeding this wound, right?
Lorin:So when it is making excuses and then pushing the other person away, or it's always having some form of independence, that is why you need to stop feeling that wound, or feeling that pattern of self-sabotage.
Lorin:Easier said than done.
Lorin:This is why I've created my upcoming workshop, Healing the Commitment Wound on the 18th of June.
Lorin:This is why I will show you exactly how to heal it.
Lorin:And we'll also do a very, very deep embodiment practice that will allow you to truly, truly connect with the intimacy and love your heart truly wants to experience, and how we can unravel that sense of, that commitment takes freedom away, but instead creates deeper freedom for you.
Lorin:But essentially the way to heal this is by stop feeding the wound.
Lorin:You need to become aware of it and then actively don't follow it when these triggers become activated, because that's how you continue the cycle of self-sabotage and essentially push all people away, and it kind of keeps the commitment wound alive.
Lorin:And when.
Lorin:When you start doing that, what naturally happens is that it naturally loses its grip over you.
Lorin:It no longer creates this intense reaction in your body.
Lorin:And here is something else that is really important and crucial.
Lorin:A commitment wound, it's coupled with trust issues towards yourself.
Lorin:So, for instance, the way it expressed itself is that you don't trust your relationship decisions, or you constantly second guess your relationship decisions.
Lorin:Perhaps you suffer from intrusive thoughts, whether you're in the right relationship or not, even though you are deeply in love, right?
Lorin:All of these can be very difficult to manage because you don't know.
Lorin:Is it the right choice?
Lorin:Is it not the right choice?
Lorin:And the smallest of things can trigger that.
Lorin:So a huge part of working through a commitment wound healing it is to learn to trust yourself.
Lorin:Specifically, learn to trust yourself and your relationship decisions.
Lorin:Now, of course, it makes sense.
Lorin:Where can that come from when we have made decisions?
Lorin:That caused a lot of pain.
Lorin:When we have trusted people who have caused a lot of pain, or when we have seen our mother or father give trust and that trust being broken again and again, right?
Lorin:So a huge thing is learning to trust yourself again.
Lorin:And how do you do that?
Lorin:One of the things is to make clear and courageous choices.
Lorin:You need to be able to be in a place where you can make clear choices.
Lorin:Because at the end of the day, when you cannot make clear choices, you are stuck in the in between.
Lorin:There's always three choices you can make in life.
Lorin:In a relationship, you are either in, you're out, or you are in between, somewhere in and somewhere out.
Lorin:Somewhere in and someone out is the path of highest suffering for everyone involved, and this is where most people who are experience a commitment won't find themselves in.
Lorin:So a huge part to learn to make clear decisions.
Lorin:Remember, whenever you make a decision, even if it's the wrong one, at least you learn from that experience.
Lorin:But you cannot learn anything from being stuck.
Lorin:As I mentioned already, uh, to uncover all of this is not possible in a 30 minute episode.
Lorin:There are so many subtle ways it expresses itself.
Lorin:But today I really wanted to give the focus on that.
Lorin:We use spirituality as a way to avoid this wound, right?
Lorin:And if you want to go deeper into healing it or you are with someone who experienced it and you want to fully understand it, then I invite you to join my upcoming workshop, Healing the Commitment Wound where I will, I will really go in depth, not just make it practical, how you can heal that and continue to heal that even long after the workshop has taken place, but also from the most subtle of ways, how it expresses itself and how you, in the moment when it becomes active can actually start to work through it and start teaching your body and your subconscious commitment is safe.
Lorin:and allows me to experience the freedom and depth of intimacy that deep down I yearn for.
Lorin:So you can find it in the show Notes to workshop or my website, lorinkrenn.com.
Lorin:Thank you so much for listening to this episode.
Lorin:Thank you for being here, for choosing this sacred work.
Lorin:The fact that you have listened to this entire episode means that you are deeply committed and devoted already to doing profound work.
Lorin:So I just wanna acknowledge you here, the fact that you're listening to this in full means and speaks of volumes.
Lorin:If you have enjoyed this episode, if you are enjoying the, the insights and breakthroughs you gain from the episodes and this podcast, then I invite you to rate it five stars.
Lorin:That goes a long way, and also to subscribe to the podcast because then you don't miss any episode.
Lorin:And of course if you know or feel someone who can benefit from this episode or you wanna share it on your socials, that of course would mean the world to us.
Lorin:And it would go a long way in allowing us to reach more people and, uh, allows us also to continue bringing that free content through podcast episodes.
Lorin:Now, thank you so much for being here, and I wish you a really, really beautiful day, wherever you are.
