Why Men & Women Cheat and How to Heal From Infidelity
Infidelity is a painful experience that can shatter trust and cause profound emotional distress. It's a problem that leaves us feeling gutted, wronged and as if the ground has been taken from beneath our feet. It can lead to self-doubt and a severe impact on our trust in ourselves and in our relationship decisions.
People cheat not because they are inherently bad, but because they are dealing with their own trauma and pain. They are out of alignment with their own truth. Healing begins with forgiveness – if we can find it in our hearts – and understanding that the act of cheating is a reflection of the person who cheated, not a reflection of us.
In this episode, Lorin explains why men and women cheat, and offers advice for victims of infidelity as well as those with patterns of cheating.
Mentioned in this episode:
The Awakened Masculine program: Starting 16th June 2024 An 8-week immersive journey into the depths of unleashing your awakened masculine power. You will have Lorin as your personal guide through live calls, written modules, embodiment practices and much more.
Healing Your Relationship with the Masculine: Starting 21st April 2024
Open and trust again. Learn everything you need to know about men in order to be the most embodied and conscious woman you can be in your current or future relationship.
Transcript
Today we will talk about why men and women cheat, and how
Speaker:you can heal from infidelity.
Speaker:Whether you were the one who was cheated on and now your heart feels
Speaker:broken, or you are the one who is experiencing a pattern of repeated
Speaker:cheating in your relationships.
Speaker:I will also speak to, if you are a couple and you're currently
Speaker:trying to heal from infidelity, what is most important to focus on
Speaker:to rebuild the trust and intimacy.
Speaker:As well, I will talk about the subtle differences as to the most
Speaker:common reasons why men and why women cheat in relationships.
Speaker:This is going to be an intense episode because this is a
Speaker:very loaded and intense topic.
Speaker:I invite you to listen with your heart open to take deep breaths,
Speaker:because as you know, I'm not going to sugarcoat anything, and this
Speaker:is a very complex topic, but I'm gonna break it down in the most
Speaker:simple and practical way possible.
Speaker:Welcome to the Masculine and Feminine Dynamics podcast.
Speaker:My name is Lorin Krenn, and I'm a relationship coach and hypnotherapist.
Speaker:I help you to unite the masculine and feminine within you in
Speaker:your relationships and life.
Speaker:Let's dive in.
Speaker:Cheating is an intense form of betrayal, and being betrayed is an
Speaker:immensely challenging and intense emotional and energetic experience.
Speaker:We feel gutted.
Speaker:We feel wronged at a deep level.
Speaker:And we experience the ground being taken from underneath our feet.
Speaker:It's a deeply confusing experience because we start
Speaker:to question, was it ever real?
Speaker:Was there ever love, or was it all an illusion?
Speaker:This starts to lead to a kind of self-doubt that really drains the
Speaker:soul, that really impacts your level of trust in yourself, in trusting
Speaker:yourself in life, but specifically in your relationship decisions.
Speaker:And it can lead that you start guarding your heart understandingly so.
Speaker:It's called betrayal trauma.
Speaker:Now, why do people cheat?
Speaker:Pop culture says they're an asshole.
Speaker:She, he's an asshole.
Speaker:He's a bad person.
Speaker:Ugh.
Speaker:And yes, some people are very selfish, they're very lost, and they don't
Speaker:care about the feelings of others.
Speaker:And some might simply not care.
Speaker:But that number is, from my perspective and all that I've seen very low.
Speaker:Because actually the number one reason why people cheat is because
Speaker:of trauma and because of pain.
Speaker:They are in a deeply confused and painful and wounded state of being.
Speaker:Does this excuse cheating?
Speaker:No, but it makes us understand more why it happens.
Speaker:Let me break this down as practically as possible.
Speaker:Before someone cheats on you, they cheat themselves.
Speaker:Before someone lies to you, they have already lied to themselves many times.
Speaker:Before someone betrays you, they have already betrayed themselves.
Speaker:When someone doesn't have the respect towards you, keeps secrets
Speaker:and looks into your eyes and tells you they love you, they choose you,
Speaker:and then engage in cheating, then it means they betray themselves.
Speaker:They're disconnected from their truth, from their true being.
Speaker:Does this, excuse it?
Speaker:No, it doesn't, but it makes us understand that one cannot treat
Speaker:another without integrity and respect if one is not out of integrity and
Speaker:disrespects themselves their own soul.
Speaker:I like to always say the soul wants nothing more
Speaker:than to live with integrity.
Speaker:Any human being who reaches a certain level of consciousness or healing
Speaker:in their life, simply cannot cheat, cannot betray, cannot deceive,
Speaker:because their energy is so high or so strong that simply all they
Speaker:desire is to treat others right.
Speaker:And what is right is to treat others with integrity, with respect,
Speaker:with kindness, with love the way you want to be treated by others.
Speaker:That is the way of the soul.
Speaker:It's not about right or wrong.
Speaker:No, there is just one way, and this is the way.
Speaker:And deep down, we all want to show up in this way because this is how
Speaker:we are in alignment with the highest intelligence, with the sacred.
Speaker:But of course, we cheat, we are disconnected from our deeper nature
Speaker:that wants to be in integrity, that wants to be in truth.
Speaker:Dostoevsky has this incredible quote, which explains this even
Speaker:deeper and makes it more practical.
Speaker:Please replace man with person or woman.
Speaker:A man who lies to himself and believes his own lies becomes unable to
Speaker:recognize truth, either in himself or in anyone else, and he ends up losing
Speaker:respect for himself and for others.
Speaker:When he has no respect for anyone, he can no longer love, and in him,
Speaker:he yields to his impulses, indulges in the lowest form of pleasure,
Speaker:and behaves in the end like an animal in satisfying his vices.
Speaker:And it all comes from lying to others and to yourself.
Speaker:There's so many aspects about this quote, which I found incredibly
Speaker:powerful and truthful, but specifically the part, no longer being able
Speaker:to recognize truth or integrity.
Speaker:That speaks to the disconnect I was describing before.
Speaker:When we are not operating from a place of truth, when we are not honest
Speaker:with ourselves, in integrity, then we are automatically in a state of
Speaker:confusion, in a state of suffering, in a state of unconsciousness.
Speaker:And cheating is only born from the state of deep inner turmoil and confusion.
Speaker:Because at a deeper level, you have to ask yourself what really is cheating?
Speaker:Cheating is in many cases, destroying and rupturing a
Speaker:great, beautiful, committed relationship for a little fling.
Speaker:For a short, intimate experience that really is not half as
Speaker:pleasurable as in the way the mind fantasizes it thought it will be.
Speaker:And then what?
Speaker:The consequences are brutal.
Speaker:It potentially breaks the whole family apart.
Speaker:It traumatizes the children involved.
Speaker:It is immensely painful for everyone involved.
Speaker:For what?
Speaker:For a short five minute intimate experience with someone who you don't
Speaker:even resonate at a deeper soul level?
Speaker:Who would do that?
Speaker:Who would choose that consciously?
Speaker:Let me tell you.
Speaker:No one in their right mind, but the thing is they are
Speaker:not in their right mind.
Speaker:Let me change the terminology.
Speaker:They're not in their truth.
Speaker:They're not conscious.
Speaker:They're operating from a place of unconsciousness.
Speaker:They don't see this.
Speaker:They know what they're doing, but they are almost unable to, to stop themselves
Speaker:from yielding to the lowest form of superficial pleasure as Dostoevsky
Speaker:so powerfully expressed in his quote.
Speaker:The relationship you have with yourself is mirrored in the
Speaker:relationships you have with others.
Speaker:If you don't respect yourself, you can't respect others.
Speaker:If you lie and deceive yourself, you are going to deceive and lie to others.
Speaker:So really at a general level, the core reason why men or women, or
Speaker:any person cheats is because they're out of integrity with themselves.
Speaker:They're disconnected from who they truly are.
Speaker:They no longer recognize what it means to live in alignment with
Speaker:their soul, to live in a alignment with their deeper spiritual nature.
Speaker:Now let's dive into the most common reasons why men cheat, and
Speaker:then afterwards why women cheat.
Speaker:And of course, there's so many infinite examples.
Speaker:I can only give you here the most common ones, but I'm sure many of
Speaker:you will recognize them, otherwise, this episode will be 10 hours long.
Speaker:Now again, when I say this is the reason why they cheat, it
Speaker:doesn't mean it's justified.
Speaker:Because even when one is deeply unfulfilled and unhappy, a conscious
Speaker:being goes to another and says, I'm unhappy, I'm unfulfilled.
Speaker:They express their truth, they voice their truth.
Speaker:And worst case, if it doesn't work out, they break up before
Speaker:they engage emotionally or physically with someone else.
Speaker:So this is really important to understand.
Speaker:There are no excuses.
Speaker:So here is the reason, one of the most common reasons or the
Speaker:most common reason why men cheat.
Speaker:Usually men cheat in a relationship because they, at a subconscious
Speaker:level, validate, they've been conditioned to validate their manhood.
Speaker:They feel like a powerful man through the chase.
Speaker:Through conquering.
Speaker:And since the chase has already ended and they're now in a
Speaker:committed relationship, they are not receiving this unconscious supply.
Speaker:They're no longer feeling like a powerful man.
Speaker:This happens to men who are constantly chasing.
Speaker:They go into a committed relationship and suddenly they're full of insecurity
Speaker:because they need the constant chase, the constant getting women into bed
Speaker:with them, the constant validation through intimacy and from the feminine
Speaker:in order to feel like a powerful man.
Speaker:Many men in today's world are trapped in this.
Speaker:This can come from both very often a mother wound, but also
Speaker:it can come from a father wound.
Speaker:Now, what's happening here is that the, the, the need for novelty for
Speaker:an exciting, intimate experience, whether it's online, whether it's
Speaker:emotional intimacy with a coworker, emotional cheating is just as bad
Speaker:as physical, cheating, emotional cheating destroys the trust by 100
Speaker:percent and physical cheating by 101%.
Speaker:So is it a bit worse?
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:But at the end of the day, the mere act of secrecy and betraying
Speaker:the one in the, your beloved in this way can't really be measured.
Speaker:Emotional cheating is just as painful for everyone involved.
Speaker:Now, this need for novelty, for an exciting experience with another
Speaker:woman with the feminine for this rush, feeling like a powerful man, this
Speaker:is where the cheating is born from.
Speaker:It's that need.
Speaker:I need to validate myself.
Speaker:I still am looking for the, the chase, the validation of women
Speaker:to, to validate myself as a man.
Speaker:I'm sourcing my confidence from that place.
Speaker:That is the place from where it's born.
Speaker:How to heal this well, of course, starting to source confidence,
Speaker:validation, wholeness from within.
Speaker:That is one of the key things that I teach any man or any woman
Speaker:at the deepest level to work on.
Speaker:It is that we cannot be looking for these things outside ourselves.
Speaker:We need to source it from within.
Speaker:This is especially the case for men where the feminine
Speaker:has become their drug.
Speaker:For some men, drugs are their drug, are their escapism, are their
Speaker:distraction from an internal void, from a deep sense of pain, trauma,
Speaker:abandonment they experienced.
Speaker:But for many men, sex, intimacy, the feminine has become, the drunk, has
Speaker:become the numbing mechanism, and now they're in a committed relationship
Speaker:and what's happening now is that they no longer have that coping mechanism.
Speaker:And then they act ,out often in the form of cheating.
Speaker:Now, again, there is no excuses for this, but it doesn't necess
Speaker:it often doesn't mean that he's in love with the other person.
Speaker:It often doesn't mean that he didn't love you, he didn't care about you.
Speaker:What it means is that he doesn't know how to source security
Speaker:and safety within himself.
Speaker:He feels deeply insecure within, deeply insecure, and he needs
Speaker:the validation from other women on an ongoing basis in order to
Speaker:validate himself in his manhood.
Speaker:And that is why he cheats, or one of the most common reason why he cheats.
Speaker:Now, why, what is one of the most common, uh, reason why women cheat?
Speaker:Also, of course, because they seek their validation from the chase.
Speaker:So the very, very same reason here.
Speaker:But apart from that, there is also another very, very common reason.
Speaker:And that is when the man they're in a relationship with is a nice guy.
Speaker:The typical pleaser guy has lost his spine, has lost his dark mask energy.
Speaker:He's no longer connected to his, to his wilder mask energy.
Speaker:But it's all about.
Speaker:Pleasing saying Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker:He's not showing up powerful anymore.
Speaker:He's, no, He's no longer expressing his truth or setting boundaries.
Speaker:He's just basically, um, allowing the world to treat him like a doormat.
Speaker:And what this does is it creates a lack of polarity.
Speaker:Because it's the feminine, you will not feel safe, and you will
Speaker:also not fully trust such a man because you cannot lean on him.
Speaker:You cannot lean on us if we are like that, if we're showing
Speaker:up from that wounded place.
Speaker:There is a lack of masculine energy, specifically dark masculine energy.
Speaker:And now women start to unconsciously look for that more
Speaker:gritty, darker, wilder, exciting masculine energy through a fling,
Speaker:through another man, through a coworker, through anyone really.
Speaker:It could be anyone who it is projected on.
Speaker:And out of that.
Speaker:Often cheating is born.
Speaker:It's that need for, for more dark mask energy.
Speaker:It's that need for more.
Speaker:Of course, it can be novelty, like I said before, and, uh, some exciting
Speaker:and fear of commitment, like I mentioned before, same with men,
Speaker:but often it has to do with that because there's no polarity and now
Speaker:she's seeing that somewhere else.
Speaker:And of course, once again, there are no excuses for this.
Speaker:A conscious and healed being is in integrity with themselves.
Speaker:So they will go to their partner and let them know that they're unfulfilled,
Speaker:or let them know their true desires.
Speaker:And if they're not met, then it's gonna be a conscious breakup, from a place
Speaker:of love as much as possible, uh, or otherwise, both can find a way together.
Speaker:So these are really the most common reasons.
Speaker:Women really often cheat because the the man is a nice guy and
Speaker:they're no longer feeling that sense of strong masculine energy
Speaker:and they look for it somewhere else.
Speaker:Men often cheat because they validate their manhood through intimacy.
Speaker:Now, the sense of novelty and excitingness, it's the same for women
Speaker:and men that chase needing that.
Speaker:So these are the most common reasons, but at the deepest level, of course
Speaker:it is because we're confused.
Speaker:We're out of integrity with ourselves.
Speaker:We lie to ourselves.
Speaker:We're not honest, we're not, we're not in our truth.
Speaker:And then that is reflecting itself through secrecy and betraying the,
Speaker:the one we say we love the most.
Speaker:On a quick note, being attracted to someone who cheats with you while
Speaker:they're in a committed relationship or married is usually never a
Speaker:good sign because you have to ask yourself, why do you enjoy this?
Speaker:Is this really coming from a soul level?
Speaker:Because if they cheat on their partner with you, they might also cheat
Speaker:on you with someone else later on.
Speaker:So you have to ask yourself why you attracted to this?
Speaker:Does it give you a sense of being more worthy?
Speaker:Do you notice how it boosts your shadow and ego?
Speaker:He's choosing or she's choosing me above them, a sense of competition,
Speaker:which is really superficial and comes from a sense of deep, low self-esteem.
Speaker:This has nothing to do with our souls and hearts true desire.
Speaker:That is an unsafe container.
Speaker:If someone wants to be in a relationship with you, they first have to come
Speaker:from a place of clarity, not half wasted in a relationship, or at worst
Speaker:cheating on their partner with you.
Speaker:There is never a safe container to be in.
Speaker:You should always set your boundaries, or in most cases, walk away.
Speaker:Now let's talk about healing from infidelity.
Speaker:The first question when you are being betrayed is can you
Speaker:find forgiveness in your heart?
Speaker:Is that something you can actually forgive?
Speaker:Or through the act of cheating, has the point of zero return been reached?
Speaker:This is something you need to ask yourself.
Speaker:Whether you're a man or a woman, you need to ask yourself this question,
Speaker:because otherwise, and I've seen this, someone tries to find forgiveness, but
Speaker:deep down they actually no longer and will never trust the other person again.
Speaker:So this is very, very important because this really decides whether
Speaker:the healing is going to be on your own or it's gonna be in the relationship.
Speaker:Now for some people, they can find forgiveness because of whatever reasons.
Speaker:There is maybe a whole history that both were showing of a place of
Speaker:unconsciousness, or you feel at a deeper level that you can find forgiveness.
Speaker:If that is the case, is it possible to heal?
Speaker:Absolutely.
Speaker:And we'll, we'll be talking about that in a second.
Speaker:Now, for the one who has been cheated on, and then we'll
Speaker:talk about the responsibility of the one who has cheated.
Speaker:But for the one who has been cheated on, your work is in understanding
Speaker:that this is not personal.
Speaker:And this is why I've talked about this in such great detail in today's episode.
Speaker:Because them cheating on you is a reflection of the relationship
Speaker:they have with themselves and never are reflection of you.
Speaker:You might have had a huge part in the unconscious dynamic, but
Speaker:still it never excuses cheating.
Speaker:So this is really, really important to understand that it's not personal.
Speaker:It's deep trauma and pain within them.
Speaker:There will be a part inside.
Speaker:It will make it personal.
Speaker:Why did they cheat on me?
Speaker:What is wrong with me?
Speaker:What is this?
Speaker:You have full permission to let that part go, it can speak, it can
Speaker:say things, but do not follow it because it is simply not the truth.
Speaker:I can assure you the one who cheats always cheats on themselves and
Speaker:there is a deeper issue that is within themselves at the deepest
Speaker:level, and that is their work.
Speaker:You don't have to do the work for them.
Speaker:You don't have to take responsibility and understand that.
Speaker:The only thing you need to focus on is opening your heart again.
Speaker:Because your trust has been shattered.
Speaker:And now what might happen is that there is a belief I can no longer ever
Speaker:trust another man or another woman.
Speaker:And that is okay.
Speaker:That is understandably so at the beginning.
Speaker:But just because someone is in a state of confusion and cheats on you
Speaker:doesn't mean that everyone is a cheaer.
Speaker:And if you choose to forgive, it is possible if they really
Speaker:step up and if they really show up and take responsibility.
Speaker:Because as I said, once one reaches a certain level of healing and awakening,
Speaker:they become incapable of the act of cheating, because they are in
Speaker:alignment with their souls integrity.
Speaker:But of course, they have to be open to that.
Speaker:So for the one who has been cheated on your work is to not make it personal.
Speaker:If the relationship is over, it's about giving yourself the
Speaker:grace and time to open your heart again, and to trust again.
Speaker:The heart is meant to open and to trust, of course, the right people.
Speaker:But remember when your heart breaks, you are not broken.
Speaker:Your heart is now breaking open.
Speaker:Always remember When your heart is broken from being cheated on,
Speaker:it doesn't mean you are broken.
Speaker:What it means is that your heart is breaking open to an even deeper love
Speaker:and for spirit and for the light to make its home inside your heart.
Speaker:So surrender to the process of your heart being broken, the deep confusion,
Speaker:and the unsettling of your spirit.
Speaker:Surrender to it.
Speaker:And that in itself, this initiation, even though so painful, will
Speaker:allow you to set your roots deeper in your heart, to become a more
Speaker:compassionate, loving, and ultimately a wiser and more awakened being.
Speaker:Now for the one who has a pattern of cheating.
Speaker:The most important thing to understand here is where does this come from?
Speaker:In many cases, it comes from a mother or father wound, and usually it comes
Speaker:from a deep place of unworthiness.
Speaker:So one of the common ways you can show up, there are many reasons, I
Speaker:cannot provide all of them because I'm not coaching you or I don't know
Speaker:the context here of the listener.
Speaker:But many times it has to do with not feeling worthy of
Speaker:a committed relationship.
Speaker:And from that place of unworthiness, we're engaging in self sabotage.
Speaker:We're engaging in ruining that which we actually, at a deeper
Speaker:level want to experience.
Speaker:That is sacredness and this deeper level of commitment.
Speaker:And then we're ultimately unconsciously recreating a
Speaker:reality where we feel unworthy.
Speaker:So it's almost like that subconscious addiction to suffering, to recreating
Speaker:unconsciously a reality where we feel unworthy, where we experience the
Speaker:familiar, the feeling of rejection, and ultimately a deeper feeling
Speaker:of abandonment even though we, through the act of cheating, have
Speaker:abandoned our beloved in a deep way.
Speaker:So it's really the work for you is to take an honest look into the mirror.
Speaker:Where are you lying to yourself?
Speaker:Where are you not speaking your true desires?
Speaker:It's time to move back into alignment with your soul's integrity, to
Speaker:live a life of truth so that you can look into the mirror and you
Speaker:can be proud of the person and the soul and the being that you are.
Speaker:And the even deeper question you need to ask yourself is, how
Speaker:can I source my confidence and validation from a deep place within
Speaker:me rather than something external?
Speaker:So when you can answer this question and you, you start to source it
Speaker:from a deeper place within you, that can be spiritual practice, working
Speaker:with people, any form of healing modality that you are being guided,
Speaker:intuitively guided towards, can help you in sourcing that, that innate
Speaker:sense of wholeness from within you.
Speaker:So you no longer will yield to these impulses and no longer need
Speaker:that validation from anywhere else.
Speaker:And truly, only from that place can you step into a really
Speaker:conscious relationship because now you're not, you're not escaping,
Speaker:you're not looking for something.
Speaker:You have it within you.
Speaker:And from that place you can love to the fullest.
Speaker:Now when it comes to a couple who has, if you have chosen that you want
Speaker:to heal from infidelity, the most important thing that you need to be
Speaker:aware of is that the cheater needs to work on actively rebuilding the trust.
Speaker:There needs to be clear progress and um, also a total understanding
Speaker:of the pain that the one who has been cheated on is experiencing.
Speaker:There can't be any, oh, well that's a year ago, so you better
Speaker:get over it because I actually showed up great for one year.
Speaker:No, there has to be this hard openness that this will come up again and again.
Speaker:On the other hand, the responsibility, while responsibility, but if what
Speaker:if you are being treated on and you want to heal from this, then
Speaker:you also need to do something.
Speaker:And of course, it's the work of the other who has cheated
Speaker:on you to rebuild trust.
Speaker:But you also at some point have to let them back in again.
Speaker:And of course you need to give yourself grace.
Speaker:It's not gonna go from the beginning on work.
Speaker:But if they really show up, they can only do so much, and at some point,
Speaker:you have to let them back in again.
Speaker:Because if you don't, that is completely fine.
Speaker:But then at the end of the level, you need to ask yourself, is this
Speaker:actually something I can forgive?
Speaker:Because there's nothing more painful than being stuck in the middle.
Speaker:You are in a relationship, but you're both deeply unfulfilled.
Speaker:It's better than to part ways or to take a break and to come to a deeper sense of
Speaker:clarity because you want to be together from a place of conscious choice and not
Speaker:from a place of, well, I never trust you again, but I'm still there physically.
Speaker:So the cheater needs to rebuild trust.
Speaker:They need to show continuous progress.
Speaker:They need to give you the feeling that this will never, ever happen again.
Speaker:So give yourself the grace to slowly open your heart again, but
Speaker:eventually you have to make the decision whether you are going to
Speaker:forgive or you are going to move on.
Speaker:And if you both work together in this way as a team, then you
Speaker:can heal, you can find healing.
Speaker:It is a journey.
Speaker:Be graceful to one another.
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