Why Men Sabotage Relationships – And How to Shift it Forever
At the core, many men feel unworthy of being loved fully. This unresolved belief leads to patterns that push love away.
The way forward is to own our patterns and take responsibility for shifting them. We need to train ourselves to stay present, even when it's uncomfortable.
Intimacy requires us to regulate our emotions and embrace vulnerability without shame. True freedom comes when we stop running and face our fears with courage and devotion.
Otherwise, we remain stuck in a cycle of distrust and emotional disconnection. Our actions create the very distance we fear, and relationships feel unsafe or unfulfilling. We miss out on the depth and love we truly desire.
This episode is an invitation to breathe deeply and commit to staying present, even when it feels uncomfortable.
Mentioned in this episode:
The Awakened Masculine Program
An 8-week immersive journey into the depths of unleashing your awakened masculine power.
Relationship Coaching Fundamentals
Master the art of deep coaching & high-converting sales.
Transcript
Today I am going to talk about why men sabotage relationships and
Speaker:how a man can shift this forever.
Speaker:And when I say forever, I just have to mention this requires
Speaker:incredible unshakeable commitment to growth, evolution and expansion.
Speaker:The truth is many, many good men, men who are trying, men who want to
Speaker:show up, keep sabotaging in their relationship with the feminine.
Speaker:They keep sabotaging the very thing they desire the most: a woman who
Speaker:trusts them, a woman who relies or leans on them, who feels they are
Speaker:reliable, a woman who opens her heart at the deepest level to them.
Speaker:Today we're going to go deep as always, and I'm going to get very practical
Speaker:how sabotage shows up and how to shift it in the most powerful way.
Speaker:Welcome to the Masculine and Feminine Dynamics Podcast.
Speaker:My name is Lorin Krenn and I'm a coach, author, and hypnotherapist.
Speaker:I help you to understand masculine and feminine dynamics.
Speaker:Let's dive in.
Speaker:I have worked with so many men, what in my one-on-one private practice or
Speaker:in my men's groups, and so many men express that they want love, they
Speaker:want a woman who is radiant, a woman who is devoted to the path of union.
Speaker:They say they are ready to go deep, to be trusted, to be relied upon.
Speaker:And while of course that is a true intention, at the same time, what
Speaker:I've noticed is that then when a woman shows up, when a woman who has reached
Speaker:a certain level of consciousness and who truly loves them, truthfully,
Speaker:there is a sense of withdrawing, numbing out, shutting down, becoming
Speaker:defensive in every tense moment in the relationship, desperately
Speaker:needing to prove that they're right.
Speaker:The inner boy becomes activated and starts running the show.
Speaker:I see this a lot where men go I really want this, but then the inner
Speaker:boy, the unresolved wounding, it's coming up in the relationship, and
Speaker:it's coming up again and again.
Speaker:And this can then lead for men to believe either she's not the one
Speaker:and to keep moving to the next relationship and the next relationship.
Speaker:Or they stay in the relationship, but always showing up
Speaker:only at half their power.
Speaker:Shutting down, hesitating, not initiating, not being decisive.
Speaker:There is an element of hesitation.
Speaker:There's an element of passivity.
Speaker:There's an element of where they're just not showing up fully.
Speaker:And here is the truth.
Speaker:To get really practical, it's most likely not about her, and
Speaker:it usually is a part that we're running away from within ourselves.
Speaker:The withdrawing, the shutting down, the wanting to be right in the
Speaker:argument, being highly triggered and emotionally reactive, our
Speaker:little boy running the show, these are all signs of self sabotage.
Speaker:Because all these behaviors, all these patterns, they limit you
Speaker:from actually experiencing the intimacy and love that you desire.
Speaker:Often we don't look at this behavior as self-sabotage, but if
Speaker:you look at it, and self-sabotage is never done unconsciously.
Speaker:No one is consciously, or in most cases, deliberately sabotaging a relationship.
Speaker:No.
Speaker:But this behavior is in direct contrast to the reality of what you want to
Speaker:create and to the truth of who we are in our deepest core as men, because
Speaker:our masculine energy is sacred, our masculine energy is immensely
Speaker:potent and powerful and healing.
Speaker:Now, what is the reason?
Speaker:Why do we shut down?
Speaker:Why do we pull away?
Speaker:Why do we hesitate?
Speaker:Why don't we show up fully?
Speaker:Why do we show up in arguments and moments of tension that can cause
Speaker:distrust, that cause pain, and then cause unsafety for the feminine?
Speaker:What's the real reason?
Speaker:The real reason 99.9% of the time is we actually don't believe that
Speaker:we are worthy of being loved fully.
Speaker:When I did not feel enough inside my heart, when my masculine energy,
Speaker:who I am as a man was not enough, when I felt what I was doing in my
Speaker:mission, in my business wasn't enough, then everything in my life became a
Speaker:reflection of You are still not enough.
Speaker:And yes, even when we as men meet the most wonderful conscious
Speaker:woman, it doesn't mean that her love will make us feel whole.
Speaker:But her love can transform us if deep down we tap into the energy
Speaker:that we are enough as we are.
Speaker:Because only then can we truly receive her love.
Speaker:Look at it from this perspective.
Speaker:If there is a deep belief in the subconscious that says I am not worthy
Speaker:to be loved fully, then in the moment of receiving love, that part rather
Speaker:than receiving it, rather than being receptive, rather than being nourished
Speaker:by it, rather than being transformed by the medicine and beauty and wonder
Speaker:of love, that part is blocking it.
Speaker:Boom.
Speaker:Imagine water that wants to flow into a cup, but there is a lead.
Speaker:There is a lead, and it doesn't go in.
Speaker:And it spills around and people go, what?
Speaker:What is going on?
Speaker:She's loving him, there's so much love, the water is everywhere,
Speaker:but it's not entering the cup.
Speaker:That's what self-sabotage is.
Speaker:Self-sabotage is the lid that doesn't allow the water, the ocean, the well of
Speaker:love to flow into the cup of your heart.
Speaker:Very poetic.
Speaker:But I wanted to use this metaphor to understand this at
Speaker:a, at a more practical level.
Speaker:And the fear is deep down, if she sees all of you, your fears, your flaws,
Speaker:your unhealed shame, that won't be enough for her to stay, that that
Speaker:won't be enough for her to truly be fulfilled in the relationship.
Speaker:So there is a part inside that most likely preempts the rejection
Speaker:before it can happen, even though there is no rejection.
Speaker:But it becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy, self-sabotaging behavior,
Speaker:because it's essentially there's a belief I'm not worthy of love and I
Speaker:might get rejected anyway when she sees me for who I truly am because I feel
Speaker:that all of who I am is, is not welcome, which often comes from unresolved trauma
Speaker:or usually always comes from unresolved trauma, whether in childhood or in
Speaker:adulthood, from challenging experiences.
Speaker:And then we sabotage out of that.
Speaker:We kind of, it becomes this self confirming, self-fulfilling
Speaker:prophecy because when we sabotage, she cannot feel safe.
Speaker:She cannot feel secure.
Speaker:She cannot rely on us.
Speaker:She cannot trust us fully.
Speaker:And when she cannot feel fully safe and trust us fully, then she's naturally,
Speaker:her heart is not gonna fully open.
Speaker:And when her heart is not gonna feel, feel open fully, there's gonna be a
Speaker:lot of challenges in the relationship.
Speaker:And then these challenges are perceived as oc I'm not good enough.
Speaker:I'm not worthy.
Speaker:But it's not that you are not good enough in your core.
Speaker:It's that your behavior, that our behavior is shitty, our behavior is
Speaker:unconscious, our behavior is doing the exact opposite of what it is that
Speaker:we want to create and experience.
Speaker:So it's not that we are not enough, it's that our behavior
Speaker:is causing distrust and unsafety, and that's a huge difference why.
Speaker:Because it's not personal.
Speaker:Behavior is behavior.
Speaker:Yes, it's challenging to shift it, but it can be shifted.
Speaker:We don't need to change, but we need to change our behavior.
Speaker:We need to shift and work through the unworthiness we
Speaker:hold, so many men hold within us.
Speaker:We try to prove our worth to everyone in the relationship,
Speaker:in our business when it comes to money, when it comes to everything.
Speaker:But what we really deep down desire is to feel enough for who
Speaker:we are as a man, our presence, our breath, our open, courageous,
Speaker:loving, hard in our strong spine.
Speaker:These are deeper aspects of who we are, aspects that cannot be taken away.
Speaker:Aspects not determined or measured by success.
Speaker:And funnily enough, it's also the reason why a woman who has
Speaker:reached a certain level of healing and awakening will choose us.
Speaker:She will choose us for this, our integrity, our open heart, all
Speaker:the things I've just mentioned.
Speaker:The second reason why we sabotage is because we are addicted to freedom.
Speaker:We are addicted to freedom because we have never tasted true freedom.
Speaker:We think freedom is having no one to answer to just doing whatever the
Speaker:fuck you want, but that's not freedom.
Speaker:That's called being a little Boy with no Responsibilities.
Speaker:And when I use the terminology Little boy, I want you to know in
Speaker:your heart that I'm not judging.
Speaker:I'm simply speaking about these things in a no sugar coating in clear way, but
Speaker:there is no fucking element of judgment or shame in my heart when I say this.
Speaker:Because I have got a little boy, a little boy that has hurt deeply,
Speaker:that was bullied, that went through so much hardship in his life, and
Speaker:that little boy needs my love.
Speaker:And with all the work I've done and all the work I continue to
Speaker:do on my path of self mastery.
Speaker:Sometimes I still need to tend to a little boy.
Speaker:Sometimes a little boy gets a little bit activated when my wonderful wife
Speaker:gives me a little mirror of a pattern I might have not fully looked at.
Speaker:So when I say that, I just want you to know I'm speaking from
Speaker:a place of service and love.
Speaker:' Cause that little boy needs your love and he doesn't need any more shame.
Speaker:What is real freedom as a man?
Speaker:It's being able to stay when every part of you wants to run.
Speaker:When every part of us wants to run and be like, oh my god, she's
Speaker:exposing all these aspects, this is so hard, this is so challenging.
Speaker:I don't feel free, and we can stay in the fire as true spiritual warriors?
Speaker:That's freedom.
Speaker:That is true freedom.
Speaker:Because we're no longer bound by our unresolved trauma,
Speaker:by our shadow, by our ego.
Speaker:Now we're answering to the higher calling of our soul.
Speaker:The third reason why we sabotage is because we often
Speaker:mistake intimacy for danger.
Speaker:Our nervous system has been wired for the challenging conditioning
Speaker:and experiences to see closeness as a threat, and then we put her away
Speaker:unconsciously, not because she's the wrong partner, but because she's
Speaker:getting too close to the truth.
Speaker:What truth?
Speaker:The truth that we've been running away from ourselves, the truth that
Speaker:we've suppressed our emotions, the truth that we feel unworthy, the
Speaker:truth, that there is a little boy inside us hurting, in pain, and
Speaker:we're trying to act like a powerful man, but that little boy needs us.
Speaker:And she's getting close to that truth, and that's why it hurts.
Speaker:That's why we want to run so much.
Speaker:She's exposing that truth.
Speaker:But intimacy and closeness is not danger.
Speaker:It's only danger when we run, want to run away from ourselves,
Speaker:and it can become liberation if we're willing to stay in the fire.
Speaker:And stay present with all that arises.
Speaker:Reason number four, why we self-sabotage is that we have
Speaker:often built, unconsciously, always, an identity around being
Speaker:alone or not needing anyone.
Speaker:The lone wolf syndrome, right?
Speaker:We have worn independence like an armor, but independence is
Speaker:isolation, it's not strength.
Speaker:That's why the men's groups I host one of the many reasons they are
Speaker:so powerful and life-changing.
Speaker:Transformations take place, men forge deep brotherhoods.
Speaker:Men are witnessed and seen by other men.
Speaker:And that in itself is an act of deep healing because it makes us realize
Speaker:we are allowed to ask for help.
Speaker:We are allowed to suffer and to struggle and to need the
Speaker:support of a group mentor.
Speaker:And it doesn't mean we're not good enough.
Speaker:It means we are warrior king, but also man struggling.
Speaker:Working through our trauma in this life.
Speaker:And reason number five, before I dive into how we can shift it in the most
Speaker:powerful way, reason number five is we don't know yet how to lead emotionally.
Speaker:When she opens her heart, we get anxious rather than lean in.
Speaker:When she's feeling deeply and expressing her emotions, rather than
Speaker:being present, holding space, we shut down, because we've never been
Speaker:shown how to be with the emotional intensity, beautiful intensity of the
Speaker:feminine, without losing our edge, without losing our masculine center.
Speaker:The moment the emotion comes, we lose the center.
Speaker:One of my recent, posts says the strongest man is not the loudest
Speaker:or most dominant, it's the one with the regulated nervous system.
Speaker:Because the man who is continuously learning to lean in, be with challenging
Speaker:emotions, is the strongest fucking spiritual warrior in this world.
Speaker:The reason why is because everyone can put on a display of dominance and
Speaker:strength, but not everyone can actually embody this consistently and ground
Speaker:themselves again and again and again.
Speaker:That's the path of self-mastery.
Speaker:Let's talk about the shift.
Speaker:How can we as men, shift this and change this forever?
Speaker:No fluff, no vague bullshit.
Speaker:Just real tools, real practical steps we can take.
Speaker:Number one is owning it all.
Speaker:When we own it all, we stop blaming women.
Speaker:We stop blaming timing.
Speaker:We stop blaming circumstances.
Speaker:We start to own that we have got a pattern of self sabotage, and we
Speaker:also own that it's our responsibility and our duty to break free.
Speaker:This is the first step.
Speaker:Without that level of ownership, we'll be like, ah, she wasn't
Speaker:right, ah, this, ah, no, I'ma, no.
Speaker:Fuck that.
Speaker:So when we start to own that we've got a pattern of self-sabotage.
Speaker:We stop blaming and we start shifting.
Speaker:We start going within.
Speaker:Number two, we need to train our nervous system for intimacy because
Speaker:our nervous system is not ready in many cases for the intensity of intimacy,
Speaker:specifically with a woman who is embodying her awakened feminine energy.
Speaker:And we can start small, small, but it's a big act.
Speaker:Stay when you want to run.
Speaker:Breathe deeply and remain present when a part of you wants to shut down.
Speaker:Learn to be with the discomfort without fixing, or fleeing or shutting down.
Speaker:Instead, create a practice, a masculine embodiment practice.
Speaker:I teach these in my men's groups and to my one-on-one clients,
Speaker:a really powerful, masculine embodiment practice that allows
Speaker:you to face these uncomfortable emotions again and again and again.
Speaker:And in this practice, you are doing the process of alchemy.
Speaker:You're alchemizing and shifting this energy, and it starts to
Speaker:become your power, your strength, your masculine embodiment.
Speaker:Number three, speak the things before it becomes the sabotage.
Speaker:We often believe that this level of vulnerability with the
Speaker:feminine will make us look weak.
Speaker:And while I'm not advocating for whiny complaining vulnerability,
Speaker:which is not vulnerability, it's still an element of projection.
Speaker:I am talking about vulnerability coupled with full masculine ownership.
Speaker:For instance, I feel like running right now, but I'm going to stay in the fire.
Speaker:I don't know how to hold the intensity of this experience right now, but I'm
Speaker:staying, I'm not going on anywhere.
Speaker:Can you feel the power of this?
Speaker:That's not complaining, projecting.
Speaker:That's a powerful vulnerability and that is real, and I call it
Speaker:sometimes warriorship vulnerability or masculine vulnerability.
Speaker:Number four, choose devotion over dopamine.
Speaker:This shift from the addiction to the sensation, the instant gratification,
Speaker:into commitment to transformation.
Speaker:What do I mean by that?
Speaker:Notice during the day how you are escaping, running
Speaker:and fleeing from stillness.
Speaker:You are going for a walk with your dog, watching on your
Speaker:phone, listening to something, no presence, no intentionality.
Speaker:You are eating foods, you're watching something scrolling on your
Speaker:phone, you're not even tasting it.
Speaker:I like to sometimes say the feminine has a different perception of time.
Speaker:And of course, um, this is humor.
Speaker:We all have our strengths and our certain weaknesses.
Speaker:And let's just put it that way.
Speaker:it's not always easy for my wife to be fully structured
Speaker:when it comes to timings.
Speaker:That's why I'm here as the masculine, not being overly intense
Speaker:around it, but giving her powerful nudges in the sense of baby, we
Speaker:need to get ready by this time.
Speaker:We have X amount of time to get ready.
Speaker:Because my wife, when she hears 10 minutes, she hears
Speaker:something else than me.
Speaker:It's always, it's fun that, and I really mean this from a loving heart.
Speaker:There's no judgment here, but sometimes I like to say the more feminine a
Speaker:woman is, the less she has the sense of structure around time that we as
Speaker:men often will have, but of course, that's not black and white and it's
Speaker:one of the ways I can, I can hold a, a masculine frame in our relationship,
Speaker:creating deep polarity and intimacy.
Speaker:But these moments when you are waiting.
Speaker:Waiting for her to get ready.
Speaker:Waiting for your dog to have a poo.
Speaker:Who knows?
Speaker:In these moments, are you escaping or are you embracing stillness?
Speaker:This is something you have to train yourself at to be with stillness, to
Speaker:train your mind, nervous system, heart, body, soul, to be with stillness.
Speaker:No distraction, just stillness.
Speaker:Let's do this 20 second stillness.
Speaker:Just 20 seconds.
Speaker:And I can already feel myself dropping deeper.
Speaker:And now imagine this becomes a consistent practice.
Speaker:One minute, two minute, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, whatever it is where
Speaker:you're not escaping, but instead you're going into the stillness.
Speaker:Your presence sharpens, you've got more energy.
Speaker:A higher consciousness or your divine masculine energy is able to work
Speaker:through you and be embodied through you, because you are grounded,
Speaker:you are connected to spirit.
Speaker:And this is becoming something that is more prevalent and more
Speaker:important than ever before because the distractions keep increasing.
Speaker:For the first time in human history, we have a comfort issue.
Speaker:Before everything we did to create more comfort led to better
Speaker:health or made life better.
Speaker:But today we've got an excessive amount of comfort and a complete escaping
Speaker:from any discomfort, which is actually making us weaker, slower, fatter.
Speaker:We're losing our edge, we're escaping, we're running, and there is always
Speaker:something that we can escape into.
Speaker:But that's not alive.
Speaker:That's called death.
Speaker:In fact, actually it's worse than death because it's the
Speaker:process of never being alive.
Speaker:You don't want to become a dopamine junkie, and literally
Speaker:it is one of the hardest things, but you gotta train yourself.
Speaker:This is the work behind the scenes.
Speaker:No one is gonna applaud for you.
Speaker:No one will check this.
Speaker:Only you can check it.
Speaker:But when you look into the mirror, you know whether you are
Speaker:bullshitting yourself, addicted to the dopamine, hit all the time,
Speaker:or you are entering stillness.
Speaker:It's hard.
Speaker:You'll fail again and again and again, but you'll return
Speaker:again and again and again.
Speaker:That's the warrior's approach.
Speaker:No one is perfect, but I've got a lot of respect if that is something
Speaker:you do behind the scenes, ' cause that is real masculine warriorship.
Speaker:The moment you stop running is the moment you become the man
Speaker:a woman has been praying for.
Speaker:Not because you are perfect, but because you are here, you are present,
Speaker:you are rooted, you remain in a fire even if you're shaking, but you're
Speaker:not allowing this to make you tremble, collapse, run, fix, flee, shut down.
Speaker:You're staying in the intensity.
Speaker:This is how you shift it.
Speaker:This is how you move from self-sabotage to allowing your intention and
Speaker:desire for the relationship.
Speaker:You want to be in full alignment with your daily actions, daily
Speaker:behavior, level of consciousness, level of intentionality, and level of
Speaker:presence, and your level of devotion.
Speaker:Thank you for listening to this episode.
Speaker:I am deeply honored to have you here and to support you on your path.
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