Spiritual Bypassing in Relationships: Don’t Make This Mistake!
We're all guilty of using spirituality to sidestep or avoid dealing with unresolved emotions from time to time. It’s called spiritual bypassing, and it’s quite common, especially in relationships. It's yet another way our shadow self prevents us from evolving and becoming our highest self.
The key is to lean into it – to face our deeper core wounds head-on and focus fully on them instead of trying to avoid or bypass them. This means acknowledging our behaviours and patterns.
If you’ve found yourself feeling stuck, experiencing inner conflict, resistance or emptiness, that pain might be the result of avoiding your deeper wounds. But by asking a simple question, we can reconnect with our deeper truth and avoid spiritual bypassing.
Mentioned in this episode:
The Deep Polarity Program
An 8-week immersive journey to unlock the deepest intimacy through masculine & feminine dynamics.
The Deep Polarity Program
An 8-week immersive journey to unlock the deepest intimacy through masculine & feminine dynamics.
Transcript
Today I will talk about spiritual bypassing in relationships.
Speaker:Why is it so common, and why is it so easy to actually spiritually bypass our deeper core wounds, and especially in relationships?
Speaker:And most importantly, I will share with you a clear framework how you can ensure that you are no longer avoiding your deeper wounds, that you are focusing fully on them in order to evolve into your highest self, in order to step into your highest power and truth.
Speaker:This episode is for both men and women and singles and couples.
Speaker:I will also provide very clear and practical examples that many of you will be able to relate to and from which you will gain deep insights.
Speaker:Welcome to the Masculine and Feminine Dynamics Podcast.
Speaker:My name is Lorin Krenn, and I'm a coach and hypnotherapist.
Speaker:I help you to evolve through masculine and feminine polarity, shadow work, men's and women's work.
Speaker:Let's dive in.
Speaker:The term spiritual bypassing was first introduced in the 1980s by John Wellwood, who was a Buddhist teacher and psychotherapist, and here is his definition.
Speaker:Spiritual bypassing is a tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.
Speaker:Now, it's very important here to mention that there is no shame or judgment.
Speaker:I have in the past, spiritually bypassed my own wounds.
Speaker:In relationships as well, and really in any area, in every area of my life.
Speaker:And what I've realized is the immense emptiness and pain that comes from it.
Speaker:Because what is happening when you're spiritually bypass your deeper wounds?
Speaker:Well, you're not evolving, you're not growing.
Speaker:And we are here, just like the universe is in a constant state of evolution, we are here to continuously evolve into our highest self, into our highest power, whatever name you give that.
Speaker:And when we're not doing that, that feeling of stuck, that creates immense inner conflict and resistance within us.
Speaker:And it is also important to note that it is incredibly easy to spiritually bypass.
Speaker:Let me give you a very clear example.
Speaker:You experienced abandonment, for instance, as a child from your mother or father.
Speaker:Out of this, you develop the fear of commitment.
Speaker:Now, whenever a relationship gets deep, you pull away and find reasons that might sound like the following.
Speaker:It is not spiritually aligned.
Speaker:I no longer feel it.
Speaker:My intuition is telling me to go.
Speaker:And while this might be absolutely true in a certain context, where really your intuition is telling you that it's not an an alignment here, what happens is that we unconsciously start using spiritual concepts to bypass our deeper fear of commitment that, for instance, can come from an abandonment wound.
Speaker:This doesn't mean that you shouldn't trust your intuition.
Speaker:This doesn't mean you should doubt yourself.
Speaker:All it means if you start to see a pattern that every time it gets deep with someone in your intimate life and you pull away, that is a clear sign that there is some potency in that for you.
Speaker:That you are avoiding something, that you are running from something that this is activating within you.
Speaker:Spiritual ideas here serve as a scapegoat because it's so much easier to just say oh yeah, it's not aligned.
Speaker:I no longer feel it.
Speaker:My intuition.
Speaker:X, Y, Z.
Speaker:None of this is done consciously.
Speaker:This is usually entirely unconscious, so no one is just choosing and saying, I'm going to spiritually bypass my wounds right now.
Speaker:This is simply avoidance, escapism, and our shadow is a master at avoiding the real work.
Speaker:This is why it's not as simple as just become spiritual, just do some healing work.
Speaker:I wish it were that simple.
Speaker:But your shadow, my shadow, our shadow, which is the shadow is within us all, our shadow is a master at so, to speak, finding ways of how we, instead of doing the actual work, we engage in some naval gazing, strengthening ultimately our spiritual ego or our spiritual shadow in the sense
Speaker:that, oh look, I'm doing all this healing work, and we are still at a subconscious level running away from our true wounds, from the true pain.
Speaker:And why?
Speaker:Because it's so hard to face.
Speaker:There, most likely within you is a certain part that does not want to be exposed, and it will do anything to hide.
Speaker:It will do anything for you to distract yourself with whatever.
Speaker:But that's something that's your highest potential or within transforming, that, lies your highest potential because when you go into that, that's when you really start to create breakthroughs, rapidly awaken, rapidly transform.
Speaker:That is the real shadow work, and there's no better place for this than in relationships.
Speaker:And of course, if you're not in a relationship right now, you are doing this with yourself as well, because you also have a relationship with yourself.
Speaker:So this is also, this is shadow work individually and it shadow work in relationships.
Speaker:Spiritual bypassing is ultimately your own shadow or avoidance that doesn't want to face the heartbeat of real spirituality.
Speaker:Because real and grounded spirituality gives you both.
Speaker:The potential for the highest joy, love, intimacy, bliss, ecstasy in your life, and also it's going to absolutely be mortifying.
Speaker:It's going to crush you to the highest degree, and you will have to die a thousand deaths and many more.
Speaker:When I say this, I'm dead serious.
Speaker:To say that spiritual work is easy is nonsense.
Speaker:Because if you look in the world, many people, even though it's great that spirituality is more trendy, it's important, but it's actually very easy to get lost on the spiritual path because there's so many illusions, so many distractions because our shadow is a master at avoidance, at sneaking into everything we do in order to essentially keep us from our highest evolution.
Speaker:Because us evolving, truly evolving, truly facing the parts that are really uncomfortable, the parts that are ugly, dark, that we judge heavily, that are almost like mortifying to just look at or feel for a moment, that's when we really start to evolve.
Speaker:And when we work through that, that's when we naturally start to integrate our shadow.
Speaker:We step, so to speak, into our highest power.
Speaker:Awakening is amazing.
Speaker:Spirituality is amazing.
Speaker:But that doesn't mean it's always going to be easy.
Speaker:That doesn't mean there won't be moments in your life where you have to go through a dark night of the soul.
Speaker:I am not saying this in a pessimistic way.
Speaker:On one hand, it is incredibly challenging On the other, you are evolving into your highest self.
Speaker:You're experiencing more abundance, more heart openness, more freedom, and the deepest sense of joy, love, that you can experience.
Speaker:But on the other side, you are also facing yourself at a deepest level.
Speaker:And these spiritual deaths, which is so to speak, the death of your old self and the rebirth of your true self or the losing our old identity, which is conditioning, which is not actually who we are, that sounds all cool and fancy, but when these parts really go, when it's time to really let that go and we do the deep work around it, it's going to be very challenging.
Speaker:It's going to be extremely intense, because that experience is intense, because it needs that intensity, that force of energy for us to really transcend, for really big breakthroughs to emerge and to take place.
Speaker:That are also remaining at a sustainable level.
Speaker:It's not just, oh, I'm feeling great right now, but it's really a deeper change and transformation in consciousness.
Speaker:This is essentially what we're always looking for and we're doing the real spiritual work, is that we're looking for this, not just having a good moment, but really transforming our everyday life, shifts that are.
Speaker:Permanent, so to speak.
Speaker:That doesn't mean hold onto anything, but what it means is that you go deeper and you go deeper and you go deeper.
Speaker:So what is the practice?
Speaker:What is really important here in relationships?
Speaker:The practice is to really learn to lean in when things get hard.
Speaker:To really learn to embrace the challenge.
Speaker:In the moment where there is the biggest tension.
Speaker:In the moments where there is the highest trigger is your highest opportunity to evolve.
Speaker:So don't look away, don't distract yourself, don't project onto your partner or onto your future partner.
Speaker:Instead, use these moments to ask yourself a simple question.
Speaker:This is how you avoid spiritual bypassing.
Speaker:This is the question, what is really arising within me right now?
Speaker:Or what is really happening inside my body right now?
Speaker:What is that really activating inside you?
Speaker:That discomfort, that moment of tension that, when you feel the need to run, when you feel the need to escape, to judge, to blame, whatever it is, what is that activating within you?
Speaker:And when you no longer look away, when you use these moments of challenge which are inevitable in any relationship, but specifically in intimate relationships, because they mirror us our core wounds and core patterns and conditioning and trauma at such a precise and deep and confrontational way for us to evolve in higher service of love of course, that's really the practice.
Speaker:So what are other ways our spiritually bypass?
Speaker:Other ways is that we easily judge our partner or our beloved or our intimate partner, and we don't have an honest look at our own behavior.
Speaker:We're quick to pass judgment onto the other.
Speaker:We know all about their shadow.
Speaker:We all know all about their wounds, about their issues.
Speaker:What about our own stuff?
Speaker:That seems justified, and that in itself is a sense of entitlement, and that comes through spiritual bypass.
Speaker:Quick to pass judgment, but quick to excuse our own patents and our own conditioning that we bring into the relationship or into our relationship.
Speaker:It is important to mention here that this does not apply to any form of abusive relationship or relationships that are not safe for you.
Speaker:it's important that you can discern and see, and when someone really crosses your boundaries, um, then it's not about looking within and, and not judging them.
Speaker:Then it's about protecting yourself.
Speaker:So protect yourself.
Speaker:I'm speaking about a, about a conscious union here and not about a dysfunctional, unsafe environment where you have to protect your heart.
Speaker:These things do not apply in that scenario.
Speaker:So as you can see here, when things go deep, you run, you shut down, you, you avoid and then you might spiritually label it, or in a relationship you are very easily to judge your partner, to blame them, without having an honest look at your own behavior.
Speaker:And again, the way to count that is asking yourself, what is this activating within me?
Speaker:What is this bringing to the surface?
Speaker:I call this connecting with the truth of the body or our highest truth.
Speaker:Our body always tells the highest truth.
Speaker:Our body's our temple, our body's our highest intelligence.
Speaker:And of course, I'm referring to not just our physical body, but our energetic body, our true home, our center.
Speaker:And you will notice when you ask this question, what is this really activating?
Speaker:What is really happening inside my body is you drop 10 levels deeper.
Speaker:Usually we're in some kind of story or whatever is going on, but we're not connected to what is really at the deepest level happening.
Speaker:And we connect and we like kind of let the stories fall away that so often come through spiritual bypassing.
Speaker:We start to connect with a deeper truth.
Speaker:And as you connect with the deeper true of what's going on, boom.
Speaker:Suddenly, whoa, I'm shutting down because of my fear of commitment.
Speaker:I am overly judging them because I'm afraid to look what I am actually bringing here into the relationship.
Speaker:And this can express itself in so many other ways.
Speaker:But as you connect to the deeper truth, that is when you really start to face yourself.
Speaker:And specifically facing yourself in moments where are really hard in our relationship.
Speaker:So the message is lean in when it gets hard, lean in, when it gets challenging, when there is tension, when there is disconnect, when you're about to project, when you're about to blame, when you're majorly triggered, when you feel confused.
Speaker:That is the time where you want to lean in.
Speaker:Because even though it is very challenging, this is where the real shadow work happens.
Speaker:This is where you really start to transcend and evolve.
Speaker:This is where you ensure you are not just doing some naval gazing spirituality of theory and concepts, but you're actually grounding it.
Speaker:That's why I like the word grounded spirituality, because now you are really practicing it when it actually matters, and that's why you learn the theory to actually embody and practice it.
Speaker:Otherwise it's just mental, blah blah Great to know, important to be aware of, but it's not, it's not gonna be enough to lead to true transformation.
Speaker:It has to be embodied.
Speaker:It has to be practiced.
Speaker:Another thing is also looking at our pleasing tendencies.
Speaker:For instance, when you start to notice you are sugarcoating, you are not expressing your truth in relationships, This avoidance of potential rejection can be a spiritual bypassing.
Speaker:Because for instance, you might have been conditioned to believe that anger is not spiritual.
Speaker:Here it goes the other way.
Speaker:This is where it gets tricky, because here you might go, oh, I shouldn't judge my partner.
Speaker:I shouldn't have anger, I shouldn't, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker:Now I'm sugarcoating and I'm keeping the peace.
Speaker:And that's the spiritual thing to do, isn't it?
Speaker:Well, in this context, it absolutely is not.
Speaker:Because you are suppressing yourself and when you suppress something, it goes into the shadow.
Speaker:It then comes out in an even more unconscious way.
Speaker:That is why people who are people pleasers, I'm gonna do a separate episode about this, people pleasers have anger issues.
Speaker:Why?
Speaker:Because they're suppressing their anger.
Speaker:Does it mean it's going away?
Speaker:No.
Speaker:It's going deep into the shadow.
Speaker:It's going deep into the darker parts, where then, poof, later on, explodes in a sudden moment, and all that suppression now boils and erupts like a volcano.
Speaker:So here you can see that the polar opposite is also spiritual bypassing.
Speaker:As you can see, it all depends on the context.
Speaker:In one way, you might be quick to pass judgment and blame your partner, in another.
Speaker:You might be using this as a way to bypass your fear of confronting someone out of fear of rejection, out of fear, of losing connection.
Speaker:I believe now most of you will.
Speaker:Start to understand how easy it is to do this, because it really all depends on the context, and you can use any spiritual teacher to just kind of justify your reality.
Speaker:But you need to look deeper.
Speaker:Are you applying this in the way that leads to true evolution and transformation?
Speaker:Or are you applying it in a way that actually leads you to suppress yourself, to feel stuck, to bypass your true challenge, your true potential for awakening.
Speaker:Then we need to look at our sexual shadows.
Speaker:How are we potentially out of integrity with our sexual energy when we are in a committed relationship?
Speaker:For instance, someone might be texting with potential lovers, sharing intimate details with a potential lover.
Speaker:And this is not about right or wrong.
Speaker:If you're in a polyamorous relationship and you really feel that's where you can evolve, amazing.
Speaker:You most likely know my take.
Speaker:I don't like the word mon monogamy because of the associations that people of the rigid associations people are with, but I believe in a conscious, deeply devoted, fully committed relationship.
Speaker:That is for me, the path of sacred union.
Speaker:But I'm not saying it's the path for everyone.
Speaker:Neither do I have a judgment or do I have a problem with it.
Speaker:Because if I had, that will be an issue on my end.
Speaker:If you truly feel you can evolve, amazing.
Speaker:But either way, this is not about morally right or wrong.
Speaker:This is about looking where we are potentially still distracting ourselves, not facing deeper challenges.
Speaker:And one of the challenges here is that perhaps sexuality, validation, intimacy, emotional intimacy is a way for you to validate yourself, is a way to distract yourself from potential pain, trauma, and wounding you have experienced.
Speaker:And now anytime this wounding comes up, boom.
Speaker:You go on a dating app.
Speaker:Every time the wounding comes up, boom.
Speaker:You watch porn.
Speaker:And now where is this coming from?
Speaker:Where is this behavior coming from?
Speaker:It is coming from unconsciousness.
Speaker:It's coming because you want to avoid something.
Speaker:So also here we need to look at how are we spiritually bypassing through our sexual energy and our arousal, whatever that looks like to you.
Speaker:Now, in the context of a monogamous relationship, in the relationship I choose to have in my marriage, here it is about leaking in sexual energy.
Speaker:Where are you still leaking?
Speaker:Where are you still opening doors for others to come in, in order to receive validation?
Speaker:As minor and minuscule as it seems, these are always how we spiritually bypass a deeper pain that we don't want to face, that we want to mask.
Speaker:And this is just simply one ex, one of the many expressions of it.
Speaker:Again, or spiritually bypass, that someone might be unsatisfied in their relationship and now they start taking the relation somewhere else, but in they're spiritually bypassing, because the real challenge is actually expressing that from their deepest heart to their partner,
Speaker:and coming, moving back into alignment, or seeing whether it is still in alignment, before going out and doing these things unconsciously.
Speaker:These are always essentially of how we are bypassing the deep work of truly facing ourselves through the mirror of a relationship.
Speaker:Our relationship provides the greatest and most profound mirror for us to face ourselves.
Speaker:The truly is nothing as powerful as a relationship where everything is being brought to the surface and you have the possibility to lean in.
Speaker:In a conscious relationship with the right partner, you wanna lean in and lean in, and lean in anytime when it gets challenging, because that's where you really start to face yourself.
Speaker:That's where you evolve, and the relationship and the intimacy and connection, the trust, everything ultimately evolves.
Speaker:Now you will naturally experience more bliss, more joy, deeper intimacy.
Speaker:But it's sustainable.
Speaker:It is real.
Speaker:It is a permanent transformation.
Speaker:It is true and the only true freedom.
Speaker:And it's, it's not rocket science at the end of the day because the key is just to be really aware of when you are using spirituality to avoid the deeper issue.
Speaker:Ask yourself right now, that's my assignment to you.
Speaker:Where might you be still avoiding facing yourself using any spiritual or personal development jargon in order to not look at were you still running, were you still, distracting yourself?
Speaker:Where are you still afraid to face and feel what's underneath?
Speaker:What's the deeper emotion?
Speaker:What's the deeper truth in your body?
Speaker:So in, in one sentence, the conclusion is always stay connected as much as possible to the deeper truth of what is really going on within you.
Speaker:And chances are high, the moment you escape and distract and find easy excuses that you are avoiding something, you're not looking in the right place, ' cause when you start looking in the right place, which is always within you, that's when you truly start to evolve.
Speaker:And that is ultimately the real spiritual work, the real shadow work, and also where the real healing and real transformation and real evolution takes place.
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