How to Become a Safe and Secure Man
So many men struggle with feeling safe and secure in themselves and in their relationships. This lack of safety can stem from deep wounds, like losing a father figure early in life. In this episode, Lorin explores how to become a safe and secure man by undergoing an awakening journey.
It all starts with self-reflection – this can be through guided sessions, men's groups, or your own private practise. The goal is to strengthen your inner security, to address past wounds and learn to feel safe within yourself, without relying on validation from outside.
If you’ve found yourself stuck in a cycle of seeking reassurance from others, you might have looked for other things to fill the void, like doomscrolling on social media, or looking for attention outside of a committed relationship.
But by reflecting on your past experiences and identifying areas where you feel insecure, you take the first step towards healing and developing a stronger sense of self.
Mentioned in this episode:
Healing Your Attachment Style
Create deeper relationships and more abundance
Transcript
In today's episode, I am going to talk about the journey of becoming a safe and secure man.
Speaker:I'm going to talk about the awakening journey for us men and the common traps that many men fall into on this path.
Speaker:I will shatter common myths and reveal at a practical level.
Speaker:What it really means to become a safe and secure man.
Speaker:And this episode is not just for men.
Speaker:As a woman listening, you will understand the awakening journey of us men after this episode at a much deeper level.
Speaker:Welcome to the Masculine and Feminine Dynamics Podcast.
Speaker:My name is Lorin Krenn and I'm a coach, author and hypnotherapist.
Speaker:I help you to understand masculine and feminine dynamics.
Speaker:Let's dive in.
Speaker:I have not just guided countless men one on one or in my men's groups that I host, several per year, through the journey of becoming a safe and secure man.
Speaker:This means safe and secure in relationship to others, but also, of course, feeling safe and secure within.
Speaker:But I've also gone through the journey myself.
Speaker:I lost my father at an early age due to cancer.
Speaker:When I was 11 years old, my father was diagnosed with colon cancer, and it was a three year brutal battle.
Speaker:I.
Speaker:And after three years, I held his hand and he died while I was holding his hand, telling me for the first time that he loved me.
Speaker:And this experience, of course, changed everything in my life.
Speaker:It really was the starting point of my awakening.
Speaker:But in the context of this episode, and the reason why I'm sharing this is because this is where a very strong father wound was created.
Speaker:I lost my masculine role model.
Speaker:I felt as if the ground was taken underneath my feet, and I felt this immense, deep sense of insecurity, not feeling safe and secure in my body, in my manhood, in who I am as a man.
Speaker:And it took me many, many, many years of healing to work through this in order to regain an internal sense of safety and security, both within and in relationships.
Speaker:I would find myself in rock bottom several times, immense anxiety, tears rolling down like streams because I could not deal with the pain and insecurity and anxiety I would feel in my body around relationships, for instance.
Speaker:So I know firsthand the journey of how it feels to really in this world feel completely unsafe and insecure in your own body as a man.
Speaker:I know how that feels.
Speaker:I know how painful it is, and I can tell you it is possible to heal this.
Speaker:The biggest way this showed up for me was looking for safety in the feminine.
Speaker:So I would look for that sense of safety and reassurance to feel like a powerful man in the feminine.
Speaker:And of course, that creates immense pain.
Speaker:And so many men experience this where they are looking for a sense of safety in women.
Speaker:And of course, this completely reverses the dynamic or the dance between the masculine and feminine.
Speaker:Because while both need to be feel safe in the dance of intimacy between the masculine and the feminine, it's the feminine that desires a deeper sense of safety and holding space in the relationship.
Speaker:Now, if the masculine identified being comes from this place of I need you to feel safe in my masculinity, then that's going to cause a lot of pain.
Speaker:It's going to lead to a lack of safety for the feminine, and that lack of safety for the feminine then reinforces the lack of safety and insecurity that the man feels within, it becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy.
Speaker:I need you to feel safe, and by doing that and showing up in this neediness for validation, I make you not feel safe because your desire for safety is not met.
Speaker:And then I in turn feel even more not secure and unsafe inside myself, and it's like this limiting story.
Speaker:The wounded story becomes reaffirmed.
Speaker:But now let's get really practical.
Speaker:The big realization that I had, and every man eventually comes to this realization.
Speaker:There's a high chance that for the men who are listening to this, you have already come to this realization, is that the only way to be a safe and secure man is to feel safe and secure within.
Speaker:The first step to make this practical is what I call reclaiming integrity.
Speaker:This is one of the main focus in my men's groups or any work I do with men, reclaiming integrity.
Speaker:It is impossible to feel security within and to feel safe within or in relationships, if a man has not reclaimed his integrity, I will now make this clear and give laser focused examples to make this really practical.
Speaker:Reclaiming integrity ultimately means to look in your life where you are, outsourcing your sense of safety and security.
Speaker:That's not the entire encompassing definition.
Speaker:There are other parts to this, but in the context of this, reclaiming integrity means looking, where in your life are you outsourcing your sense of safety and security?
Speaker:Is it in flirting around?
Speaker:Is it in hookups?
Speaker:Jumping from one relationship to the next?
Speaker:Being distracted on social media?
Speaker:Not having the hard conversation in a relationship with your boss, with a colleague, with a team member, whatever it is?
Speaker:Or avoiding something specific in your life that you know you need to do in order to shift your life back into alignment, but you keep avoiding it.
Speaker:Integrity is not just about doing what is right, it is about creating energetic alignment.
Speaker:If you are in any way outsourcing your sense of safety and security, then you are ultimately out of integrity.
Speaker:And when you are out of integrity, then you don't respect yourself, and when you don't respect yourself, you are not standing in your power, you're not standing in your truth, your energy will be depleted.
Speaker:A man who doesn't live with integrity, with everything around him or everyone around him, so they could be with the feminine, with his relationship with money, abundance, with his business, with his team, whatever it is, absolutely everything, will always feel a lack of clarity, a lack of energy, and be immensely depleted.
Speaker:He will show up to life already half or mostly empty.
Speaker:That is because reclaiming integrity ultimately means to be in integrity with absolutely everything around you and everyone around you.
Speaker:We are in relationship to everything, relationship to money, relationship to business, relationship to ourselves, relationship to another, to a woman.
Speaker:And every single of these relationships needs to resemble the virtue of integrity needs to be something where you respect yourself deeply, where you know you are showing up to the fullest.
Speaker:You know you are taking responsibility, you are taking accountability.
Speaker:And if that is not the case and you are outsourcing safety and security in any areas here, or you are not doing what is right, you are avoiding what is right, you are avoiding what is needed, then you are ultimately going to feel a complete lack of security and you won't feel safety within and distant translates into all your relationships with absolutely everything.
Speaker:So the first step.
Speaker:Is to literally take a pen and paper and write down two questions.
Speaker:Question number one, where in my life am I out of integrity?
Speaker:And question number two, what do I need to do to reclaim my integrity?
Speaker:These are some of the most important questions that you can ask yourself as a man because it's the foundational work.
Speaker:Everything else is bypassing if you don't focus on this foundational thing where you feel in integrity with yourself and with everything around you.
Speaker:I invite you to pause this episode right now and to start journaling.
Speaker:Take your time and if you don't feel there's an answer coming, just drop deeper, connect with your breath.
Speaker:The answer will come, and if there is no answer, then you are simply bullshitting yourself and avoiding really going deep in that moment.
Speaker:Because there is always something.
Speaker:And this is the key thing.
Speaker:It's not like you are majorly out of integrity or you are in integrity.
Speaker:The more you do this, the more you realize how this is playing out in the macro and in the micro meaning it's playing out in very subtle ways.
Speaker:But then there are also major ways how you're out of integrity, maybe cheating, um, lying, betrayal.
Speaker:These are major ways.
Speaker:But then there are subtle ways avoiding a confrontation, avoiding a conversation, not facing yourself and strolling on social media, your relationship with social media and avoiding certain challenging emotional states.
Speaker:These are more subtle expressions of it.
Speaker:So the more you do this, the more you find, and that's not because there's something wrong with you.
Speaker:That's because this is an ever evolving practice.
Speaker:It's the ever evolving practice of you stepping into your power, of you fully reclaiming your healthy masculine core, you allowing the spirit of the divine masculine to work through you.
Speaker:You know, sometimes when we listen to things, you might be in the car or wherever you are right now, and you think we we're gonna do it later, jot it down.
Speaker:Put a reminder right now to ensure that you're going to do this with these two questions because this is life changing.
Speaker:You have to help yourself in order for the universe, the highest intelligence to help you.
Speaker:If you don't help yourself, no one and nothing can help you.
Speaker:So let's go deeper now and identify a specific area of course, that will show up and there will be of interest for most men listening.
Speaker:Reclaiming integrity with the feminine.
Speaker:As I mentioned before, the way this showed up for me and the way this shows up for many men is looking for a sense of safety and security in the feminine.
Speaker:Now, what is the way to break that pattern?
Speaker:To break free from that?
Speaker:It is to enter a state where you no longer need to change her, fix her, or want her to be different than the way she's right now.
Speaker:So I'm, what I'm describing here is the art and the power of holding space as the masculine.
Speaker:Holding space is not an action in that sense.
Speaker:It's more about what you don't do.
Speaker:So you don't debate her, you don't defend yourself, you don't try to fix her or change her.
Speaker:Because the moment you stop doing these things, you are naturally present, you are naturally acknowledging her deeper feelings and her emotions, and you are naturally holding space.
Speaker:And, and here where gets really practical, the moment you don't need her to be any other way than the way she's right now.
Speaker:This doesn't mean you don't have boundaries or needs, but you don't need her to be in any other way than she's right now.
Speaker:And you bring that full acceptance, that full presence to her.
Speaker:In that moment you are literally breaking free from this pattern.
Speaker:You are breaking free because.
Speaker:Wanting safety and security from the feminine always means that you are wanting her to be a certain way in order for you to feel a certain way, for her to show up in a certain way in order for you to feel a certain way, for her to shower you with compliments and be like this and be in this energy or be in this state so you feel better about yourself.
Speaker:The moment you are no longer there, you don't need her to be anything else than what she's authentically in that moment is the moment you break the cycle.
Speaker:Is the moment where you actually start to shift this, and instead of creating distrust and a lack of safety, you now start to create this immense level of safety for her.
Speaker:And as you create that level of safety for her, she's naturally just gonna open herself much more, much more to you, right?
Speaker:In every possible way.
Speaker:And you in turn also become more grounded.
Speaker:You start to feel even more secure and safe inside yourself because you're getting this incredible feedback.
Speaker:And what is that feedback?
Speaker:It's not just her feedback, but it's the universe saying, Hey, you are on the right path.
Speaker:You are doing what you need to do to evolve to the highest level.
Speaker:You are embodying your highest and truest power.
Speaker:So I invite you to jot down the question, where are you still in need of her to be a certain way for you to feel a certain way?
Speaker:Where do you still need her to be different for you to feel a certain way?
Speaker:If you identify this and you break the cycle around this, then you completely shift this.
Speaker:You transform this pattern that creates so much pain in your intimate life, and you start to actually create the opposite.
Speaker:You start to become magnetic, authentically magnetic because of your energy.
Speaker:And I cannot emphasize, I know I say this often, but I cannot emphasize this enough.
Speaker:When you are in this state of not needing her to be different and you're not even doing any action, you're not even doing something specifically, that energy is so magnetic.
Speaker:It's so powerful.
Speaker:It draws her towards you.
Speaker:It draws her heart towards you.
Speaker:It opens her heart towards you.
Speaker:And in that moment, all you are doing is you are embodying this higher state of consciousness.
Speaker:You aren't even saying something specific.
Speaker:You aren't even doing something.
Speaker:You don't have to do anything.
Speaker:It's an energetic, it's a state of consciousness that you embody in that moment, and it's so powerful, and perhaps as you are listening to me, you can feel this at least slightly in your body.
Speaker:The state of power that comes with that.
Speaker:So now of course it also goes to other areas being out of integrity in the relationship with yourself, the relationship specifically with challenging emotions inside yourself.
Speaker:So here what we need to learn is to learn to be, with the lack of safety and lack of security, we feel within, we can call this sitting or being in the fire.
Speaker:Now, sitting with it doesn't necessarily always mean you have to sit down and sit with it and just endure it.
Speaker:That can be one way of working with it.
Speaker:But there are other really powerful ways.
Speaker:In today's world where we're so distracted all the time.
Speaker:Notifications are our phone.
Speaker:It's hard, right?
Speaker:No matter how much breath work you do and practice you do, we all find ourselves drawn to our phone and just scrolling and looking.
Speaker:And when you are bored, when you're waiting for something, look at your tendencies.
Speaker:What do we humans do?
Speaker:We just get our phone out and start scrolling.
Speaker:And this is not a judgment.
Speaker:You can do whatever the hell you want, however.
Speaker:How do you feel when you do that?
Speaker:Do you feel in your power?
Speaker:Do you feel present?
Speaker:Does your breath go deep all the way into your lower belly, all the way into your cock, into your balls, into your feet, into your grounding lower body root chakra?
Speaker:And you see, this is what this is about.
Speaker:It's not about me telling you this is right or some kind of codex of what it means to be a man.
Speaker:And if you are not that perfect idea, then shame on you, no.
Speaker:This is about doing what's right for you.
Speaker:And of course, as you go deeper, you start to realize that just escaping and avoiding deeper emotions is never the right way because you'll always be creating suffering for yourself and those around you.
Speaker:So become aware of your coping mechanisms, and how do you do that?
Speaker:By becoming aware of what actions or what things you do, what patterns you fall into when you feel low, not when you feel amazing, not when you hear, when you just made a lot of money or when your beloved tells you how much they love you, when you just had the most amazing sex with your beloved.
Speaker:Not then.
Speaker:It is when you feel low, when there is a challenge, when you're in a grip of a challenge, when there is something external or inside you that's causing pain inside you.
Speaker:That's why you need to look out what you are doing, where your mind is going, where your energy and focus is going.
Speaker:For many of us scrolling on social media, for others, it could be flirting around.
Speaker:If you're not in a relationship, hookups, or needing validation from the feminine.
Speaker:These are the moments to master yourself you eventually need to go beyond the emotion, or in other words, if this doesn't resonate with you shifting your energetic state in these moments.
Speaker:Now, how do you shift your energetic state?
Speaker:By learning to be present with it?
Speaker:Now, how do you do this?
Speaker:One easy way, how you can start this: take regular walks, ideally in nature.
Speaker:But if you can't, if you're in a city completely fine, take in a park, take a walk, wherever you are.
Speaker:And as you walk, don't have your headphones on.
Speaker:Don't check your phone, put it on flight mode or not ringing.
Speaker:And as you walk, just stay present with the walk, breathe, feel your body.
Speaker:And you will start to notice that the more you do such things, the more naturally you'll be confronted with challenging emotions.
Speaker:So when you feel challenging emotions, go for a walk, for instance.
Speaker:This is much easier than telling a man, okay, sit in the fire with it and just be with it.
Speaker:That's more of an advanced practice.
Speaker:That's powerful, but it's not necessarily always something you have to do.
Speaker:So just go for a walk
Speaker:Ultimately, it's creating space for you to force yourself almost to be with the emotion.
Speaker:And the way you force yourself is by removing the coping mechanism, and usually the coping mechanism is your phone, because your phone translates to so many things.
Speaker:Getting validation on Instagram from a woman or whatever it is.
Speaker:It doesn't always, it's not always the phone.
Speaker:It could be something else, another device or whatever, but finding that and then creating actively space where you have to be confronted.
Speaker:Like, I've got a dog, my wife and I have a dog.
Speaker:I love the most wonderful Japanese Spitz.
Speaker:Her name is Cara.
Speaker:She's eight years old now, and we have to walk her three times, or it's ideal to walk a dog three times per day.
Speaker:And when I walk her I make it a conscious practice to not have my check my phone, not listen to music, but in that moment to just be there fully.
Speaker:And it's surprising how challenging that can be when you are actually facing deeper challenging emotions.
Speaker:So you, you'd be surprised how often you can kind of.
Speaker:Music it away or scroll it away, but you are not scrolling or listening it away.
Speaker:And again, music is very powerful.
Speaker:It's about how you use it.
Speaker:Music can be very powerful to shift your energy, but it's different when you go into a meditation or when you shift your energy from music or you kind of just trying to distract yourself from being with it.
Speaker:Only you know that, and that's your own relationship with your own soul and your own journey.
Speaker:No one can tell you exactly what you what to do and give you feedback.
Speaker:Only you, yourself ultimately can find the deeper answers, because you are the only one who can be fully honest with themselves.
Speaker:But ultimately the moments where you feel low are the moments where you need to learn to be with the emotion, and then eventually you start to go beyond the emotion.
Speaker:You start to go beyond the negative thoughts.
Speaker:You don't get rid of, but you go beyond that.
Speaker:Beyond that meaning your energy becomes higher.
Speaker:You embody a higher state of consciousness.
Speaker:As you embody a higher state of consciousness, for a while, these thoughts and emotions might still be there because they've been conditioned, but they no longer have the same grip over you.
Speaker:You're no longer as identified.
Speaker:And in that state of presence and consciousness, they naturally start to dissolve and fall away.
Speaker:And it doesn't matter whether they're still there a little bit in the background because as long as it don't have power over you, you are in your power.
Speaker:So these are the moments where you have to teach your body, where you have to teach your nervous system, that you are in charge of your life.
Speaker:You are in charge of your state of consciousness.
Speaker:You are in charge of your energy.
Speaker:And this is a big component of becoming a safe and secure man.
Speaker:It's learning to be in charge of your energy.
Speaker:No one can do that for you.
Speaker:And of course, things will impact you.
Speaker:You are not this invincible, perfect, ideal, enlightened man.
Speaker:No one is.
Speaker:We all have our imperfections, and specifically those who are closest to us, they will impact us.
Speaker:They can make us feel disappointment or we feel anger and response, or we feel sadness or the frustration, whatever it is.
Speaker:But you are in charge of your energy.
Speaker:And this is really what this is about.
Speaker:It's about.
Speaker:In these moments, teaching yourself to not fall into the coping mechanism, which is only going to feel more lack of safety and security.
Speaker:But in these moments, you take charge of your energy.
Speaker:And as you do this, you naturally start to feel more safe and more secure within..
Speaker:So really, when you reclaim integrity in all areas of your life, specifically when it comes to your, your relationship with the feminine, your relationship with yourself, and your challenging emotions, you naturally reclaim your power.
Speaker:You start to feel secure and safe in your manhood.
Speaker:And as you do this, you respect yourself deeply because you are rooted in your power.
Speaker:You are doing what you're meant to do in this life.
Speaker:And.
Speaker:From this energy, you naturally create safety, not just for the feminine, but for ultimately everyone around you because you are living in a higher state of consciousness.
Speaker:The energy you were designed ultimately from birth to live, from.
Speaker:There's a saying that goes, healing happens in one moment.
Speaker:Everything before that is preparation for this one moment.
Speaker:This doesn't mean it is wasted all these years of preparation, but it's really, the healing is an instantaneous shift in that moment.
Speaker:And what happens at that moment?
Speaker:It's that moment where you decide you are done with something.
Speaker:And many times we have to face something so many times in order to be truly done with it.
Speaker:I can tell you there was a moment in my life.
Speaker:When I was done with feeling a lack of safety and security inside myself, where I was done with feeling out of integrity with myself, the world and things and people around me.
Speaker:There was a moment where I could no longer look into the mirror and say I respect myself, and that was the moment I made a deep internal decision.
Speaker:So all these years of suffering, working through it, trying to find ways or preparation to choose in that moment, that enough is enough.
Speaker:So let's make this episode for the men listening the moment where you choose enough is enough where you choose to no longer avoid this, but start to make this the highest priority, where you really, truly take charge of your life by reclaiming integrity and by reclaiming responsibility of your state of presence and your state of consciousness.
Speaker:Thank you for listening to this episode.
Speaker:It means the world to me that I'm part in your healing journey.
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Speaker:If you want to benefit from other free offerings of mine, I've got a newsletter that I send out every single Friday with a lot of deep, powerful personal stuff, not just personal, but it also includes personal stuff of my own journey and experiences, and focusing on a different theme every single week.
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Speaker:The Awakened Feminine ebook, the Awakened Masculine eBook, a shadow work ebook and more is coming.
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Speaker:Once again, thank you so much for being here.
Speaker:It is a true honor to guide you on your path.
