Episode 90

full
Published on:

1st Dec 2023

3 Ways to Break Out of Your Pattern of Neediness

Neediness in a relationship can cause pain, suffering, and emotional drain. It can turn a source of joy and love into a source of suffering. The good news is that there are powerful ways to heal neediness and unhealthy attachment.

In this episode, Lorin shares how you can Interrupt the pattern of neediness, train your body and nervous system, and allow your partner to show up for you and provide reassurance when needed.

Neediness can lead to a cycle of dependency, anxiety, and pushing our partners away. We can end up staying in unhealthy dynamics and can struggle to be independent. So be open and honest with yourself and your partner about your feelings. Working together, you can cultivate a healthier, more loving relationship.

Mentioned in this episode:

Shadow Work in Relationships & Creating Abundance
Heal the shadow in your relationships and bring forth true abundance in your life.

Transcript
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Today's episode is about three powerful ways to heal neediness in a relationship,

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to heal an unhealthy attachment you might be experiencing in your intimate

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life that is causing you pain, suffering, and emotionally draining you.

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The truth is, relationships at the deepest level are meant to be our

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source of deepest joy and love.

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But they can easily turn into the source of our greatest suffering

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if there is a lot of neediness and unhealthy attachment playing out.

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Welcome to the Masculine and Feminine Dynamics podcast.

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My name is Lorin Krenn, and I'm a relationship coach.

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I help you to embody your awakened masculine and awakened feminine

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in relationships and life.

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Let's dive in.

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The three steps I'm going to share are going to be step-by-step ways,

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how you can deal with neediness in the exact moment when it shows up.

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Before I share with you the free powerful ways to heal it, we're going

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to go into what exactly neediness is, where it comes from, and also exactly

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how that unhealthy dynamic looks like.

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Neediness can usually be best described as what psychologists refer to as hits

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of safety, needing constant reassurance.

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Whether it is through their partner telling them their commitment many,

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many times throughout the day, telling them excessively, I love you.

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Any form of intimacy, sex, whatever that is.

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Desiring intimacy is only healthy.

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It is one of the basic human needs.

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So desiring intimacy is not an unhealthy attachment, and it also is not neediness.

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It's normal to feel when your partner is distant for a long time to feel

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you want to reach out, you feel vulnerable, you feel fragile because

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the level of connection is so important.

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The difference here is when you experience strong neededness and an unhealthy

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attachment, is that this reassurance is something you constantly seek from your

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partner, which is now really starting to interfere with the natural flow of

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intimacy, the beauty of a relationship, the magic of a relationship, right?

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Because as we know, a flower grows when we nurture it, but not when we try to control

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it and try to check it constantly and destroy the, the earth around it, right?

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Like that, that beautiful cliche, um, Buddhist saying, right?

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It just needs the right amount of nurturing.

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And being overly needy and unhealthy attached is something that is

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actually going to cause the opposite of what we want to experience.

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The more we clinging, the more they're going to distance themselves,

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but more about it in a second.

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The issue here is that even if a partner gives you constant reassurance, it only

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fills this void for a short time until it eventually becomes even stronger.

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Unhealthy attachment or strong neediness can be seen as seeing your partner

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or, if you're not in a relationship right now, you might have done it in

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the past, seeing your partner as the.

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Only source of all the joy, abundance, love, and wholeness in this universe.

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And of course everything will go wrong if that is how you perceive life.

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Yes, your partner, it must, should be a great source of joy and love,

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but if they are the only source, then you are completely dependent on them.

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And for instance, if they might go through a difficult state, you will not be able

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to actually be there for them because all that will come up is that you are

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crumbling inside yourself and you need them to, they are state to change and

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they to give you reassurance constantly.

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So this is, this is of course a very unhealthy dynamic that

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is then starting to play out.

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I even worked with clients who, at the beginning of our work, um, thought

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they could not live with that specific person that they were so attached to

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and experience so much neediness with.

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And after doing deep, deep work with them, they, for the first

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time, were able to exhale with relief, realizing they are their own

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source of joy, love, and wholeness.

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And that they are still going to survive, but even thrive if they

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choose to let go and work through that.

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Easier said than done, but it wasn't The reason why I'm sharing this

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because it's incredible when you are with a client, they're like,

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no, I can't live without them.

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I can't, no matter what happens, no matter how toxic the relationship

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is, I can't live without them.

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And then suddenly, ooh, yes, I can, I'm, I'm actually okay

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and I'm my own source of love.

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And it's the whole abundance is not in them.

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Abundance is everywhere and abundance is inside me.

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So, of course neediness always comes from a deeper sense of unworthiness you

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feel within, and your partner is the drug, but each time you take this drug,

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the low becomes longer and the high becomes shorter, and you are seeking

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more highs and more highs and more highs.

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Instead of a relationship being this wonderful, beautiful sanctuary and

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expression and flow of love and intimacy, that so naturally happens when we

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are in our body, when we are in our heart, when we are living our truth,

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embodying our our true core, now this is, this unhealthy dynamic is starting

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to really interfere with that, and is causing so much pain, anticipation.

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are they not reassuring me?

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Are there abandoning me?

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And this is of course the huge thing.

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What is neediness?

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Neediness usually comes because you felt abandoned in the past or rejected.

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Or you had to always please your parents and do all sorts of things as a child

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to gain their attention, their love and approval, which more speaks towards

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the pleaser at the end of the day, but this can also express itself in a sense

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of neediness, that only when you got really needy, when you got really, so

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to speak, in a very, um, difficult, heightened, anxious, stressful, stress

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state that they would pay awareness.

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That they would give you attention.

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But usually it comes through some form of rejection or abandonment.

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Doesn't have to be for your parents.

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Could have been through a past relationship.

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I've actually worked with many people who, well, everyone has challenges in

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their childhood, but they didn't, they weren't abandoned or rejected, but

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then they had this one relationship.

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Boom.

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There was some betrayal, trauma there, because their partner cheated

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on them, or there was some huge, uh, abandonment or, or, or at

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least perceived rejection, right?

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Because this is not, if we look at cutting edge research around trauma,

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it, it's not about this is a trauma and this isn't a trauma, it's about how we

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perceive that in that moment, right?

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And if that is a perceived strong rejection, abandonment, then that

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can lead us to become very needed.

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So neediness comes from unworthiness.

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That unworthiness is usually comes and is rooted in a deeper

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fear of abandonment, rejection.

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That must have happened somewhere in the past, or something you have

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seen your father mother go through, that can also be an expression.

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Finding the source, understanding where your pain is coming from will not heal it.

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That is why it's not one of the ways to effectively heal it.

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Because just conceptually being aware of it is great.

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I still recommend that if you are aware and can find out where this

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comes from, it is very, very helpful.

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But it's still not one of the ways because being conceptually aware is great, but the

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reason why I would, it's important from my perspective, if you can, to be aware

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of what happened is because it creates some distance between the attachment and

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your partner, because when you are aware of it, it creates that sense of healthy

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distance that makes you realize that this is not all about your partner, that this

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actually is something deeper inside you.

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This is very important.

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This is a kind of first step to really start to tackle this.

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Because when you are really in the grip of that attachment, if you're neediness,

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if you're experiencing it right now, you're right now in the relationship,

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then it's all about your partner.

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And, and it's, it feels so real because the anxiety, the stress and all of that it

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causes is real, of course, in your body.

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And, and your nervous system is feeling that strain from this.

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But the moment you're aware of this, it makes you realize,

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okay, this is coming from a deep apart, from something within me.

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So it creates some distance.

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It won't heal it, but it creates some distance.

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And what hurts the most here, of course, is that the more needy you

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become, the more your partner is going to distance themselves from you.

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Which now serves as a perfect subconscious proof and evidence that

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you always get abandoned, that you are unworthy, that you are not good enough.

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Whatever the limiting belief that is In your subconscious driving this behavior.

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So this is the tricky thing.

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When you are in this needy state, you will always get some

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evidence that you are going to be rejected, you are going to abandon.

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Why?

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Not necessarily because your partner really reject or abandons you, but

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if you study nervous systems, then you know that when you are in a

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state of neediness, you are in a state of heightened stress, anxiety.

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You are in fight or flight.

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The sympathetic portion of your nervous system is activated, so you

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are communicating to your partner's nervous system that they need to protect

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themselves, that they need to run, so to speak, when we're talking about

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kind of, It wasn't in the past, it was important when there's a tiger you want

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and you see another person, you want to be able to read their body language.

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And here is where evolution has, so to speak, not caught up, not caught

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up with us, because now we are always communicating with, um, our partners

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and other people's nervous systems.

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And you're in a state of high neediness in that moment, then you

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are communicating to your partner that they need to protect themselves.

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And that will then give you that subconscious evidence in that

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moment that they're pulling away.

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But they aren't pulling away.

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Maybe some.

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In some rare scenarios, yes, but in most cases it is just because their

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nervous system is communicating to them, which is not something

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they're controlling consciously.

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So you're pushing people away by being needy, which only further perpetuates

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it and makes you become more needy, more stressed, more anxious, yearning

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for more approval, more reassurance.

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And of course, this is a very vicious cycle.

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And when you are in that vicious ,cycle that is very, very challenging.

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I personally have been in that vicious cycle because of my abandonment

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wound that I experienced from my father dying early in my life,

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and I know exactly how that feels.

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When your body's shaking in anxiety because you are so sure that they might

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leave you, that you are not worthy, that, that they're pulling away.

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Whereas in truth, it's just that, that trauma is that, um, wounding,

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completely hijacking your nervous system.

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So this really leads us to the first powerful way to heal it.

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And that has to always be, this is gonna be a step-by-step approach.

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Step one is to regulate your nervous system.

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If you can regulate your nervous system, if you can ground yourself

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once more, then you can deal with it.

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Because this is about tolerance.

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You want to increase your window of tolerance.

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As in the end, neediness and any painful emotional, what experience is a sensation

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in your body, and you are unconsciously using your partner's validation and

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reassurance and love as an escapism from the painful sensation in your body.

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Now on the flip side, if you are able to tolerate this sensation, then it

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no longer has the same intensity.

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So we're looking at increasing our window of tolerance.

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Is it going to be nice?

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Is it gonna be comfortable?

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Is it gonna be enjoying?

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No, never, unless you fully heal it, but until you fully heal it, the way to heal

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it is to increase our window of tolerance.

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And you do this by regulating your nervous system.

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So what are, what are some of the fastest ways that is, of course, breath.

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You want to activate the parasympathetic portion of your nervous system.

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So when you are in neediness, as we said, you're in fight or flight, heart

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beating faster, and you are breathing harder and quick and more rapidly.

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So what we're doing here is we want to focus on our exhale.

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So one very simple way.

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Some box breathing.

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For instance, we can breathe in for four through our nostrils,

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long deep breath Ujjayi This means constrict in the back of your throat.

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Hold for four, exhale for eight.

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Especially when you're doing a long exhale like this through your nostrils,

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you will notice that at the beginning it might be difficult, but with time you

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need to, so to speak, time your exhale.

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Because if you do it too rapidly, any of this, then you won't be able to do

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it in the kind of intervals of four seconds, then four second hold, or six

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second hold, and then eight seconds out.

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It doesn't really matter.

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But the key focus here is that we have a long exhalation.

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That if we focus more on the exhalation, if we lengthen, elongate

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our exhalation, we're naturally activating the para parasympathetic

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portion of our nervous system.

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Now, when we are doing that for not once, but we're not doing this for a few

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minutes, it becomes impossible for our nervous system to stay in fight or flight.

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This is the power.

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This is the power.

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If you really fully focus and go into this, you can regulate the nervous system.

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This doesn't mean you will feel amazing and you will love it, and

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you will suddenly say, oh this is the best thing in the world, no.

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But it means you're increasing your window of tolerance and you're able to tolerate

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the sensation, and you need to teach and train your body to be able to tolerate

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the sensation of neediness, as this is how you heal through that rejection,

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abandonment, trauma, or wounding or unworthiness that is at the core here.

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So this is the core because it's really about interrupting the pattern.

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You are interrupting the pattern by no longer escaping through your reassurance

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and hits of safety you require, you need from your partner, as, as a temporary way

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to kind of feel better about yourself, to feel whole, to feel validated.

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You're now interrupting that by learning to tolerate the sensation.

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And this really leads us to step number two.

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And step number two is that you need a practice that works for you, a practice,

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from where you can source love, validation and wholeness, and of course, internally.

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So you want the practice that really works for you.

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That's simple.

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That's not too complicated.

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Something you can do, especially if you are at the beginning of healing

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this, every single day, maybe even a few times, that is completely fine.

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And I'm gonna give you some tips in a second.

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Um, but you want the practice that works for you, that has, um, that is very

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minimal effort that you can do everywhere, or as quickly as possible, right?

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You don't need to do a big setup or anything along those lines,

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um, or take long to get into it.

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And you want to then source that love and validation wholeness from within.

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This is now teaching step number two.

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Number one, pattern interrupt and increasing the window of tolerance.

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Number two, teaching your body, your nervous system, your heart,

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that you are your own source of love, validation and love.

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And of course, this is where the true magic.

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And transformation starts to unfold because it's one thing to interrupt

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the pattern, it's another to actually, you know, step into that power because

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that's true power, spiritual power.

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And we're able to do that.

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That's when our life truly transforms.

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And we no longer need to be in relationships that are unhealthy.

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We no longer need to stay in relationships out of needing validation and all of

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that, because of course through our neediness, we are very prone to stay

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too long in unhealthy dynamics because we feel like we can't be on our own

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and we can't be with the, again, what sensation of that pain, of abandonment,

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of rejection that is playing out.

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So one of the things I recommend here is tapping.

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There is the emotional freedom technique, EFT tapping, which most

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of you might have heard about.

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There are many other versions of tapping.

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There's also energy tapping.

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So of course I teach about, um, exact practices and how to do these things in

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my polarity program, um, with my upcoming couples program where, you really learn

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how to create the deepest intimacy and polarity and connection possible.

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And a part of it is also learning how to regulate yourself, learning

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how to become your own source of validation and wholeness.

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So tapping is one of them.

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Doesn't matter which version, but allowing you to source that from within you.

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Then another one that I recommend here is heart breathing, so you can start

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to breathe deeply into your heart.

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You can sit down in a meditation.

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You can visualize your heart, you can bring your awareness into

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your heart and breathe deeply.

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Inhale, cultivating energy in your heart.

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Exhale, you, you visualize expanding this energy into the rest of your body, right?

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I teach deeper about this practice in my, in my Polarity program and

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other, other, um, in depth offerings.

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But for right now, just take a moment, bring your awareness into your heart.

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Breathe deeply into it.

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Visualize inner guiding energy into your heart.

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Exhale through your nostrils, visualize and ex expand this energy from your

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heart and the rest of your body.

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If you do this for a few minutes, you will start to feel your heart more.

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You feel more connected to it, which means you start to connect

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with the love, the wholeness, the abundance that resides within you,

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that resides within your heart.

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And now from that state, you have not just interrupted the pattern, you have sourced

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that love and validation wholeness within.

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And now you can relate to your partner in an entirely different and in a, in

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a very conscious way, in the way you truly deep down want to, want to show up.

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And this leads us to the final and last step, which involves

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communication of course.

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So the first two are focusing on yourself, and the third is communication.

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So I invite you to be radically honest with your partner.

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Assuming you are in a safe relationship, share with them that

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right now you are feeling very needy.

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Bring it out in the open and you can bring this even in a humor humorous way.

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Instead of it getting awkward by you being in the trap of that vicious

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cycle and you needing approval and reassurance, bring it out in the open.

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That changes things.

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Say, you know what?

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I'm feeling so needy and I'm, I'm really needing to hear I love you right now.

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And it, it's, it's, that's what's happening right now, right?

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But while this takes the pressure and intensity out of it, it kind of

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works through that awkwardness and disconnect that happens because you are

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operating from a place of wounding, but it, it, it really allows your partner

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in that moment to show up for you.

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And again, we don't want your partner to constantly need to reassure you endlessly,

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but it can help, and that is okay.

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But even more important is that when you see your partner being relaxed about

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it, laughing about it, not laughing at you, but laughing and saying.

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Baby, you don't need to worry.

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I'm here, you know?

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But it's totally fine if you feel a neediness, I understand.

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If you see relaxation, it can make click suddenly inside and you go, wait a moment.

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They, they're relaxed with this.

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They are loving me.

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They're accepting me as I am, even as I'm healing through this.

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And this can add so much beauty, so much more humor, and so much

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more take, so much more of the seriousness and intensity out of it.

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So really bring it out into the open.

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To conclude, step number one, pattern interrupt.

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Regulate your nervous system.

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What's the quickest way for elongating your exhale?

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Staying with that, you cannot stay in a fight or flight if

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you stay with a parasympathetic breathing for several minutes.

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Number two, have a practice you always turn to where you can source your own

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love, validation and wholeness from.

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And number three, bring it out into the open.

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Disrupt the awkwardness and unconsciousness around it and, and allow

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your partner to, to, to hold you as much as they can without overly, right?

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That's the danger.

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But as much as they can still being healthy and to hold you

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and accept you and love you in the process of you healing this.

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And then watch transformation take place.

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It might take a while because it is a deeper wounding and

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trauma, but that is fine.

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Be gentle with yourself.

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Baby steps, and each step you feel progress and that

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progress will give you momentum.

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And that progress will give you the fire and courage you

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need to continue to go deeper.

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Now when you are experiencing any unhealthy dynamic, doesn't have to

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be neededness, could be any unhealthy attachment or unhealthy dynamic that you

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and your partner keep playing out, the Polarity program is for you, because it

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helps you to heal and work through that.

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Inside I teach you all the foundations, the practices, the resources for you

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to build the deepest relationship and union humanly possible.

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Now I also have free offerings.

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Every Friday a powerful newsletter coming out with in-depth focus on

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a specific subject, so you can just subscribe to it in a show notes

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and you receive every Friday a really powerful value packed email.

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I also have other offerings.

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If you look at lorinkrenn.com/trainings, you will see all my other offerings.

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About the Podcast

Masculine & Feminine Dynamics
Lorin Krenn is an internationally sought after teacher in the field of relationships who helps people embody their awakened masculine/awakened feminine in relationships & life. The Masculine & Feminine Dynamics Podcast focuses on relationship dynamics between the masculine and the feminine and how you can experience the deepest intimacy humanly possible and embody your authentic nature.